I never set out to be bulimic. Anorexic, yes, but I could never understand what people got from something that seemed so disgusting. Most people hate being sick, so why would you subject yourself to that on a frequent basis?
A month after I stopped eating completely I found out. Anorexia is a hard habit to acquire - it goes against all the natural bodily instincts. I was in hospital at the time and I was getting quite chuffed that I'd managed a whole month without food. Then one day, BAM! Without realizing it I had cleared the entire lunch trolley intended for the other patients. And all the rolls in the bread bin. And the biscuits in the tin too. My hunger was at last satiated but the panic and guilt that engulfed me afterwards that I would put on weight was too much to bear so I calmly walked to the toilet, closed the door and brought the lot up. Barfing on demand and the silent barf are other things that are not easy to acquire but which I perfected over the years. Many people hate vomiting. So do I. But the barf at the end of a binge is very different from when you're ill - there is no shaking, no nausea and afterwards I felt a huge buzz. Manic almost. This is caused by an electrolyte imbalance after the disgusting act. It wasn't pleasant but it solved a lot of problems. I intended to fast for as long as I could and then give in to the occasional binge when it all became too much. It didn't quite work out like that and the binges became more and more frequent. I didn't tell my doctors but I think it soon became apparent to them that I'd appear to eat normally then immediately disappear off to the toilet for an extended time. The fact that I was also losing weight rapidly was another clue.
Initially I thought bulimia was great. It is a bit mingy, but you just do it, and just imagine - you can eat ANYTHING you want and never gain any weight! Fantastic! That didn't last. Soon I began to feel a fraud..a feeling that haunted me through my entire "career" as an anorexic. People who looked at me would see an emaciated girl thinking that I didn't eat, but in reality I couldn't cope with the extreme hunger and had the guilty secret of bingeing, sometimes 20 times a day. A good day for me would be 3 binges, a typical day, 5 binges, and horrendous days had 10 binges or more.
I hated those days. By the end of them I was exhausted, my mouth raw and blistered, my sitting room resembling a rubbish dump and I was usually left with the flimsy resolve that this would be my last day as a bulimic. Of course, a few hours later I was awake and absolutely starving, counting the minutes before the shops opened, fantasizing about all the delicious things I would be eating that coming day.
My bulimia very quickly turned in to a physical addiction and at its worst, uncontrollable. It was constant. The food that I ate during a binge was the only food I ate. I didn't eat meals or snacks. My aim was to get through each day without eating at all, but that rarely happened.
I took strange fancies for things..I relied on takeaways a lot, so often it was Indian, Chinese, Italian or the chip shop. I'd get weird cravings for binges consisting entirely of courgettes or rice or tomatoes and I've always believed that if I craved a meat dish I was anaemic or if I fancied dozens of bananas, I was lacking in potassium etc. I was well known in my local grocery stores. I visited them 2-3 times every day and I felt ashamed each time, especially if it was the same cashier.
I hated bulimia. It took me to some very dark and lonely places. It disgusted me, and I was disgusted with myself. After every binge, I would say to myself "NEVER AGAIN", but it always happened again which made me hate myself even more. I felt such a failure that I couldn't overcome it. It was like a strange beast living inside me that was impossible to satiate. Once one binge was over, I was planning the next. If I'd chucked leftover food in the kitchen bin, I'd be back in there an hour later retrieving it for my next binge.
Payday was a day of great excitement and my binges could be a little more lavish, but by the end of the fortnight I was absolutely broke and getting by on ones that consisted solely of porridge.
I believe that I was bulimic because I was starving myself, and it disappeared almost overnight as soon as I started eating normally again. It took me a long time to realize that until I relinquished my anorexia, the bulimia would stay with me. If I was lonely, upset, or just plain bored, I'd have a binge. Long after I considered myself recovered, the terrible food cravings I had caused by PMS drove me to the occasional binge..maybe once every 3-4 months. I considered these to be crazy-girl-hormone related rather than an eating disorder. Thankfully I've not felt the need for one since my Mirtazapine withdrawal.
Bulimia and Me - some funny and not so funny stuff..
- Bulimia got me in to serious financial debt. Over the years I wasted so much money and I really regret that. All my money went on binges. I could have traveled the world with the money I wasted. The most I spent in one day on a binge was £200, though this was rare.
- For some strange reason, I always used to binge whilst watching the film "Titanic". I must have watched it hundreds of times and now can't bear to see it ever again! And I must also state the very sad fact that I am word perfect...I think the same also goes for "Pride and Prejudice" starring Colin Firth which is a shame as I quite liked it but now can't watch! If either of those films come on, I instantly find my mouth salivating and my fingers twitching in anticipation! It's very weird!
- I nearly lost my life several times when I had seizures due to potassium deficiency and electrolyte imbalances. Not nice. The habit is not relevant anymore, but I can still be seen carrying tons of bananas in my bag which I always forget about. More often than not I end up with lots of stinky mush all over my stuff after they've been bashed around a bit!
- I had an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in relation to my purge ritual. I won't give you all the gory details but it involved something like drinking 30 gulps of water, then jumping up and down 60 times, heave..then repeat twice more. (Maybe doing a little dance too!) If anything got in the way of this ridiculous, but oh so important ritual, I'd get very agitated and panicky that food was left in my stomach. At the next available opportunity I'd repeat the whole circus until I felt the world was at rights again.
As I'm typing this, I can't believe how hilarious the ritual sounds, but at the time I felt very restricted by it. This cleared up once I stopped being bulimic, but it gave me a harrowing insight in to the lives of those who suffer from OCD permanently, who are so restricted by their disorder that it's impossible to lead a normal life.
- Thank goodness for Sensodyne toothpaste! Thanks to it, I can now eat rhubarb, gooseberries, citrus fruits, chewing gum, Granny Smith apples and sour chewy sweets - hurrah!
I lost a couple of back teeth, but compared to many bulimics I've been very lucky with the condition of my gnashers. This is probably due to not having the energy to brush my teeth when I was depressed. I was warned never to brush straight after the purge as teeth are more vulnerable..
- Sometimes I packed away so much food that I thought my stomach was going to burst.
- I think my tongue is dead! After years of acid regurgitation I'm not really able to taste food with the intensity that I could before.
- Of course, there is the famous Pizza Hut incident which I mentioned previously in The Ludicrous side of Mental Health..#001. I find it hilarious now, but back then it wasn't quite so funny!
I never could have imagined the hold/effect that bulimia would have on me. I stupidly thought it was something I could rely on occasionally when I couldn't stand the hunger anymore. It was amazing how quickly I got sucked in to it, and a very short period of time after that I realized that I was up against something that had a life of its own and which I couldn't control.
About 2 years in to my eating disorders, I was treated as an outpatient at a specialist clinic, but after a couple of years they told me there was nothing they could do to help me.
Some people disagree, but I believe bulimia is a form of addiction, and I've always said that recovering from bulimia is harder than other substances because food is all around you. If you are a recovering drug addict or alcoholic, alcohol and drugs can be avoided, but you still have to eat food. The trigger is always there.
I'll talk specifically about my recovery in another post, but a life free from anorexia and bulimia was unimaginable. Looking back, they are distant memories and behaviours that seem so alien to me now.
Bulimia can be a very lonely existence. It made me a hermit, and I never really had the guts to tell people around me what was going on. I had no trouble admitting to suffering from anorexia (and it's pretty obvious anyway!) but the bulimia was harder to own up to. Anorexia, in a perverse sort of way represents strength, self-control, denial, focus and willpower, whereas bulimia can be associated with the opposite, and that's difficult to admit to.
I'd maybe see this post as aimed at the layperson who finds the disorder difficult to comprehend, and this is just a little snippet of what it is like. I don't really want to go in to how awful and disgusting bulimia can get, but believe me..it can get pretty disgusting!
Kerry.
