The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #005

When I was anorexic, I used to start worrying in July about how I was going to handle the ordeal of "The Christmas Dinner". (I jokingly referred to it as "The Last Supper"!)

I always found it difficult getting the right balance of eating enough not to offend, but not eating so much that I was thrown into a complete panic.

In a culture where the refusal of food is the ultimate rejection, you can imagine how horrendous the situation was for everyone present.

Thankfully those fearful days are in the past and I can now enjoy the occasion with my loved ones.

It may sound ludicrous to get so wound up over one meal, but to the anorexic, the Christmas Dinner, or any other festal occasion is a time of great fear and anguish.

Kerry.

Eating Disorder recovery. (Part Four).

Afterword..

(It's advisable to read parts one, two and three before you get to this one!)

I'm very fortunate that I did recover from my eating disorders. Of course, there is the whole debate about what recovery actually means. A full recovery? Or maintaining symptoms to achieve a decent quality of life?

For me, it was a full recovery..a thing I never thought I'd see. It was done entirely by me..I had been discharged from the eating disorder clinic four years by that time. They tried many things to crack the disorder, but in the end they gave up. If I didn't know what had triggered my illness and what was driving it, how on earth were they supposed to know how to help me?!

There were many reasons I became anorexic in the first place..buying time..a fear of growing up and responsibility, sex, a job, having a partner, becoming a mother and more. Now I have the majority of these and don't know what I was so scared of..I guess back then I just wasn't ready. 

I now eat food without a second thought as to how much of what is in it. I used to know the calorific content of each slice in every brand of bread stocked by my local supermarket or every type of (diet) yogurts on the shelves, or tomato or banana or...you get the picture! (I was a walking calorie guide in my day!)

You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you that I have no lasting food/weight issues from my illness years. This is true - up to a point. There are a few things which are nothing to do with weight/calories/body shape or disordered eating which I am left with:

The first few months in to my recovery everything was almost psychedelic. Food tasted amazing and I devoured it quickly. 

Now I don't seem to have much of a sense of taste. I don't know if it was the excess of regurgitated acid (or my love of hard-core sour sweets) that caused this deadening of my taste buds but because of this, food is more of a function than a pleasure. 

The other thing is I tend to cut food up in to squares all in one go before I eat it (dunno where that comes from!) It's possibly a control thing but I haven't really thought about it. I just know I do it!

I get very annoyed if people comment on my weight. I know I have no problems now and it just takes me back to those illness years where many people were unbelievably rude. Complete strangers came up to me in the street and felt they had the right to comment on my weight when in normal life it would be unthinkable. I'd rather forget about all that now.

I'm still very unfit compared with most of my contemporaries. I lost a lot of muscle and never regained it. Often I'm fatigued and very frustrated by my limitations but I'm making it a priority this year to get really fit. It's not always easy and my lazy side can get the better of me, but I'm fitter now than I've been for years and I'm enjoying that!

It seems a whole other world away now..It's been nearly six years since I recovered and I'm almost double my lowest body weight (and I still feel too thin). Looking back, I now wonder how I managed at all...

I guess I see the whole mental illness/eating disorder journey as a path to self-knowledge and learning to look after myself and listening to my body..facing my fears, overcoming them, and realising that things are not as scary as I think they are.

If you want to ask any questions about recovery, feel free to get in touch. I'll try my best to answer them if I can!

Kerry x

Eating Disorder recovery. (Part Three).

I tend to be guilty of being a bit long-winded in my posts, so this time I'll get down to the nitty-gritty of my eating disorder recovery. It was so long ago, and there's still probably a lot I've missed, but I'll give it my best shot anyway! If there's anything you want to ask that I've missed, just get in touch!

It's probably useful to have read parts 1 and 2 first which has more background info.

Questions that I'm asked about my own recovery.

1-What was different about this time, from the other times you had tried?

This time was different because I was fully committed to getting well. I was sick of the way things were and I wanted to live a normal life. I'd made that decision fully in my mind whereas before it had only been half-hearted and didn't really mean it. It was do or die this time. Quite literally. I knew if I carried on I would die. I was too young to die. There were things I wanted to do and see. My survival instinct kicked in.

Around this time I started a woodwork and upholstery training programme which was to last 2 years. In retrospect it was this that saved me. It gave me something to focus on rather than food and I got to interact with people in the real world who had a normal attitude to diet. 

It also gave me a routine - something that had been lacking in my life for years.

2-Was it really scary?

It was terrifying. I had been discharged from specialist ED services years before, so I was doing this completely on my own. I was starting my life over, with no idea of what to expect or where I was going.

I knew my journey was going to be a very difficult one, but I reasoned if I had the determination and willpower to get as sick as I did, then I could bloody well use those qualities to get better again.

3-Did you gain lots of weight?

This won't be the answer you're looking for, but initially I did. My metabolism was so mucked up and my thyroid under-active. It took about a year for my metabolism to get back to normal and after that the weight gain slowed down and actually stabilised for several years. The first three months were the worst but it did get better.

My weight gain was very rapid in the beginning and ironically I was told to cut down on what I was eating, as I was at risk of cardiac arrest because my heart hadn't got used to my heavier body yet. I had quite a laugh over that one!

4-How did you cope with the loss of your anorexic body?

I was devastated at the loss of the body I knew so well. It was something that had been my companion for the last 10 years and I knew I would never see it again. But I had reached the point that I couldn't carry on like this and this fuelled my determination to recover. I closed my eyes to what was happening to my body and I couldn't bear to look in the mirror for a long time. I shed many, many tears over it. It was a bereavement in a way. 

I know it sounds silly, but before I started eating again I said a proper goodbye to my body which in a way gave me a sense of closure and more prepared for the start of a new beginning.

A slight compensation was that as I went up dress sizes, I had to buy new clothes which is my all-time favourite activity! That part was fun. Plus, clothes fitted me much better as I put on weight. No more hunting for hours in the children's department!

5-I'm worried if I start eating I wont be able to stop. Did this happen with you?

Initially I went a bit crazy. Everything tasted very vivid - psychedelic almost! I'd deprived myself for so long and allowing myself the opportunity to try out all these foods I had never tasted was very exciting! My stomach had stretched due to the bulimia and my medication at the time made me very hungry, so it took a while to learn to adjust things. I'd not eaten properly in over a decade and had to relearn basic everyday things around eating.

My appetite did calm down after a few months once my body knew it was to continue getting food, but I was terrified that it would never stop. 

6-Did you crave things?

At the beginning I craved Mcdonalds chicken Mcnugget meals. It had to be a large meal with extra fries! For the first few months I had to go down there about 3 times a week, the cravings were so strong. I also had cravings for cheese, and I put grated cheese on top of every meal that I made for months! Oh, and also buttery microwave popcorn! It did eventually calm down!

7-Did you keep taking laxatives?

No. I was committed to getting better and that meant no half-measures. I think stopping the laxatives was one of the hardest things about my recovery. My laxative abuse wasn't that bad compared to some..once or twice a week at most..I stopped them cold turkey..not entirely as part of my recovery, but also because they made me feel like I was having a heart attack every time I took them..I'd be up all night, shaking, sweats, pains in my chest and a rapid heartbeat. They tasted so disgusting that I retched every time I took them. 

The down side of stopping the laxatives was that as I had been relying on them for years..my gut was unable to work properly..it took a month before I could "go" at all. It was uncomfortable and very painful but I persevered with it and things got better. My gut was very sluggish to begin with, but drinking a lot of fluids and eating fibre helped. It took well over 6 months before my gut functioned normally.

8-How did you manage to stop bingeing or resist temptation? 

To try to combat any slip-ups, I did not keep anything that might be a temptation in my flat. No biscuits, sweets, bread, crisps, jams..anything. Of course I had a few slip-ups where I thought individually wrapped biscuits might be the answer, but nope!.. If anyone gave me boxes of chocolates for Christmas or birthdays..I would give them away. I knew that I could never just have one chocolate...I had to have the whole lot and I'd be back to square one..so initially it was best to avoid them completely. I actually had to keep doing this for several years and eventually I just got in to the habit of it. 

Eating in the first place was the biggest help for stopping the binges. The majority of them were because I was starving. 

9-Did you get rid of your scales?

I tried a couple of times to ditch my scales, but could be seen retrieving them from the bin the next morning in panic. I needed to know what was happening with my weight. I only managed to part with them for the final time last year, and it was pretty liberating! It was nice to be finally free from them - the old shackles gone!

Since then I've moved in with my partner who has his own set of scales and I weigh myself maybe once a week or less.

10-Does it affect you if you see an anorexic in the street? Does it trigger you to relapse?

It doesn't affect me any more, but I used to get very upset if I saw an anorexic. I used to think wistfully "He/she's so lucky that they can be that way and I can't." I got very jealous, but it never triggered me in to going back to my old ways. I think the first two years of recovery were the most vulnerable in this respect. 

When I was ill, I used to buy lots of magazines with eating disorder articles (and hopefully pictures), but I stopped that too as it was very upsetting. I still have that folder of articles buried somewhere in the house. I don't know why I keep them..I never look at them..but I guess they are from an era in my life. A part of my history.. 

I never bothered with Pro Anorexic websites. 

11-Was it strange eating 3 meals a day? It seems so much!  

It took a long time to get used to eating normally. The concept of a meal time was completely alien to me. I had my meals at the same time every day..even if I wasn't hungry. Sometimes I really had to force through the fear, but as time went on it eventually became habit. 

I was stunned the first time it hit me a few years into recovery that I was in town, it was lunchtime and I'd gotten lunch and eaten it without a second thought. Progress!

12-What did you do if you really wanted a bar of chocolate but knew it would trigger off a binge?

If I ever did fancy a bag of crisps and chocolate, I went to the shop and bought a small bag of crisps and the smallest bar of chocolate and just stuck to that. There was no other temptation. If I "allowed" myself those treats, I didn't feel so guilty. It was very tempting to go back in to binge mode when I was buying these treats, but the control-freak side of me made sure I stuck to what I'd intended to buy. Five years on I still go by this. - Not because I'm worried I'll binge, but because it's just habit now.

13-How did you handle meals?

 After the initial euphoria wore off and the panic set in, I was very rigid about my meals. I cooked the same meals every night..ready meal sized so my tummy would shrink. I'd literally not cooked or eaten a proper meal for a decade, and had totally got out of the way of set meal times or amounts. I had to relearn everything. My stomach had over-stretched due to the bulimia. For the first few months after deciding to take the plunge I lived off ready meals which were roughly the same size as each other: I knew exactly what I was eating, and they allowed my stomach to shrink back to a normal size again. 

Later when I felt more confident in cooking for myself I would cook things, put them in ready meal-sized boxes, and have the same thing for dinner each night. I was eating, but I felt safe..I had cooked it, so I knew exactly what was in it.

I expanded my cooking repertoire later on, and slowly discovered the delights of eating out, though I got very self-conscious to begin with. Sometimes I took a book with me which distracted me. I shut my mind off completely to any thought of calorie counting and it all got easier and easier as time went on.
Shopping in supermarkets was excruciating to begin with. I felt very self-conscious that I shouldn't be there.
Again, perseverance and not paying attention to anyone else got me over that one.   

14-What are some of the things I can expect if I start eating again?

OK, this is the hard bit which will make you want to give up straight away, but bear with me on this one!  

Anorexics tend to have 'delayed gastric emptying' which is a way for your body to hang on to food. When I started eating again nothing moved for a long time. I became very constipated and my stomach stuck right out. 

It was very upsetting and sometimes I felt I looked pregnant. Don't let this put you off. Once you get past this, things ease very quickly and recovery seems more possible after this first scary stage.

Your digestive system will be very sluggish to begin with, but once it gets used to working again, it soon speeds up.

You can expect that you will gain weight quite quickly the first few months, but it DOES taper off - You will not end up huge!

You may have cravings for foods. These will also die down.

You will find you have more energy and as you put on weight, not as cold all the time. 

15-How long did it take for your periods to restart?

My periods restarted about 6 months after I had reached a normal weight for my height. I had found the loss of periods one of the few bonuses of anorexia but despite this, I still called up all my friends screeching down the phone to them that my periods had started again! It was a sign that my body, after years of abuse and neglect, was healing. 

16-Do you miss being bulimic and anorexic?

No. I don't miss it at all. Life is much easier without them. There are aspects that I do miss..there is less expectation placed on you when you are ill, and when I'm stressed about stuff I get nostalgic about a time when there wasn't so much pressure on me.

Sometimes I miss the ruthlessness and single-mindedness. It was the only time in my life where I have done something just for me with such focus and drive. Now it's difficult to focus on anything very much or for very long and I flit from thing to thing not knowing what my purpose is.

I miss the rebellion against the system and what was expected of me. In a weird way it was liberating to have had that rebellion, but in the long run, the only person I was hurting was me. Everybody else by that point had given up on me.

But I don't miss the misery, loneliness, self-disgust, having no money, despair, feeling cold and hungry all the time, the critical illness episodes and the things that an eating disorder forces you to do that make you despise yourself.

17-Did you have any relapses?

I've mentioned in a previous post that once I started eating normally again, my bulimia calmed down. A lot of my illness was habit, and I had to learn new ways of coping rather than reaching for the crisps and biscuits..

There were a few bulimic slip-ups from time to time but these gradually got less and less and now I no longer feel the need for a binge. 

I did have one anorexic relapse about 18 months in to my recovery. I wasn't hospitalised, but I was threatened with it. I guess I just wanted to see what would happen..but it was so awful to be back in that horrible place. It was quite a relief to get back to my recovery.

18-How did you keep going when things got tough?

When I felt my resolve weakening or I was just so shit scared, I remembered my friend who had passed away..and the reason I was doing this was for her.

I had to learn a whole new way of coping. Distraction. Once the starvation binges stopped, I noticed I still binged occasionally if I was bored, lonely, upset or angry. Emotional eating.

I increased my social life, started volunteering which gave me a purpose and something to do out-with my home. I did more exercise which combated any agitation and took my mind off the need for a binge. 

Nights were harder when everything had shut down for the day and loneliness kicked in, but when I started going out with my boyfriend we would hang out in the evenings which was another distraction.

Also.. a bad memory can be a good thing. I kept plodding away at my eating..and eventually it became habit. 

19-Do you eat many sweets?

Not really. Sugar is one of the things that can cause my depression to get out of hand, so no sweets for me! I also try to avoid fizzy drinks, but I do eat crisps sometimes (carbs freak!) but often I will make up my own popcorn and put salt, or a little bit of sugar or even chilli powder on it depending on what I fancy. 

20-How is your diet now?

If I got one positive thing from anorexia, it's being very aware of what I eat. I don't calorie count, but I am aware if things are processed or full of chemicals and sugar and I try to avoid them. I now have a wheat/gluten intolerance and I have to be careful. If I eat too many carbs, caffeine and sugar my mood really suffers and I get anxiety-ridden. It's a very fine line... 

People think it is a result of my past eating disorder that I eat healthily, but it's in fact to stave off depression and digestive troubles. Sometimes when I get PMS I have the odd craving for a can of fanta. I enjoy this occasional guilty pleasure but I know in a day or two I'm really going to pay the price with my crashing mood and lethargy.

21-Do you have any lasting effects from those years?

When you're in the midst of an eating disorder, you don't think about the future. The thought of recovery is impossible and you think you'll either be stuck with this forever, or it will end up claiming your life. You can't picture yourself after you are well. I never knew that I'd now be riddled with osteoporosis, extremely sensitive teeth, throat and gastric troubles, food intolerances, fatigue, a crappy immune (I catch everything going), low muscle mass and intolerance to the cold. I don't know yet if I'll have trouble conceiving if and when the time comes, but I still have a bit of time left before I have to worry about that. 

My initial weight gain was very rapid and I have a few stretch marks from this time. Many mothers my age have stretch marks so I don't feel too bad about them!

I'm very hypersensitive if anybody comments on my weight and I can end up attacking them verbally if I feel they are particularly rude. It bugs me that they feel they have the right to comment. It's none of their business. I lost a lot of weight during my Mirtazapine withdrawal and I got a lot of hassle from those who weren't aware of the withdrawal situation.

Nothing scares me more now than losing weight. I get paranoid that I am far too thin and that people will get the wrong idea. Each time I get a comment, it takes me back to those illness years and dredges it all up again. I'd now rather move on now thank you! 

Oops! I didn't realise how long this was going to be when I started it - sorry folks!

Kerry.

Eating Disorder recovery. (Part Two).

Arriving at the decision.

Time and time again I started out with good intentions to get rid of my anorexia and bulimia, but subconsciously I wasn't entirely committed to giving up all I had known and I inevitably chickened out after only a couple of days, thankfully returning to my security blanket and the familiarity and safety of the toilet bowl.

I'd tried and failed many times to break free from my crappy disordered eating patterns but I was so scared of the weight I would put on, or that I'd never be able to stop eating once I had started. Deep down I knew those weren't the real reasons but I didn't want to - or maybe wasn't ready to contemplate those.. 

The fear of the unknown was overwhelming and I would do anything rather than face up to this. 

But things were gradually starting to change. It was getting harder and harder to be anorexic. When I started out, it was exciting to see how far I could go with it. Initially it was very easy to lose weight, but as the years went on, it took me a lot longer to lose the weight. My metabolism was completely fucked up. 

Once my doctors latched on to what I was up to, they were much more vigilant and hospitalized me sooner and sooner. Eventually I was tired of the slimming down/fattening up drama in hospital. What was the point in going to all that pain and effort in getting emaciated if I was just going to be stuffed up with food yet again?

Latterly I noticed a shift in my attitude towards my eating disorders. In the beginning I had enjoyed the rebellion, the challenge, the excitement and the sense of achievement, but later on I began to feel a huge sense of guilt over it. I'd pushed my family to the limits. My friends had all but deserted me and I knew from my medical results, seizures and irregular heartbeat that I was killing myself and that it could happen at any time. Dying was and still is one of my greatest fears. This sounds weird considering I tried to take my life many times, but I guess with the suicide attempts I was "in control" of my life (or death)..but the thought of a heart attack or ruptured stomach, when I later knew deep down I wanted to live? It was frightening and I lived in constant fear.

My anorexia was once my identity..a thing that belonged to me which made me stand out from the crowd. A thing which few people had. I used to believe people looked at me and think "what strength!" But later I got uncomfortable with this and developed a paranoia about people staring at me..and when they did stare at me..I saw pity in their eyes..or anger. I'm not sure why people were angry with me..but it was deeply distressing. Those looks were probably there right from the beginning but I never noticed them..or maybe I chose not to notice them.. 

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And cold..lonely..miserable and broke. I had wasted so much money on binges..frequently to the extent of having just £5 a week to live on. I wanted to be able to afford nice things. I was sick of a life of poverty. Bulimia got me in to serious debt which I'm still paying the price for now..

I started to yearn for a normal life. I hated the life I had and I wanted more. I had punished myself long enough and I wanted to be free from this crippling illness. After being banged up in an institution on and off for a decade, I wanted to travel the world. I wanted to see places that people talked of. I wanted to be free.

I wanted to enjoy food..to experience foods I had never tasted before, and I wanted to be able to enjoy a cup of tea and a cake with my friends without the fear and panic and the obsessive calorie counting that went with it. 

I wanted to be able to go out where no-one would stare at me or look at me in pity. I wanted a normal body with boobs, hips, and an arse you could grab on to..and so that I could buy a pair of jeans without having to hunt for hours in the children's clothing section in department stores. 

I envied women who were so obviously women..

Finally, I wanted a partner. Somebody to share my life with and who found me attractive. And maybe have children one day. The longer I went without periods, I knew I was significantly reducing my chances of the possibility of that happening.

Spring 2008. I was back in hospital. Again. But somehow it was different this time. I just had a feeling deep down that this would be my last admission. 

The week leading up to my final discharge I mulled things over. It wasn't exciting any more. It wasn't a challenge any more. What was the point of it if you never ever achieved what you set out to do? My ED made me hate myself and I felt like a total failure. 

If I wanted a better life, only I could do something about it. And that's when I had this thunderbolt moment and realized I couldn't go on like this and that I'd have to give it all up. It just wasn't worth it any more.

Around the same time as this, I received the news that a friend I had lost touch with years ago had passed away. She had been bulimic though I never knew. The cause of her death had been a heart attack due to an electrolyte imbalance after a binge. She was in her 30's.

I went round in a stunned fog for days afterwards. This was real. It wasn't just some distant person that you have no connection with..I knew her. If it happened to her, it could happen to me. This fuelled my determination to finally recover and for the first time, I felt excited about the prospect of recovery. The world was out there, waiting for me! There was so much I wanted to do!

Ironically, my final hospital admission was also my most violent. I won't go in to the gory details but I absconded as much as ten times in a day and ended up attacking a member of staff. I've deeply regretted this ever since, but at the time I felt threatened and vulnerable and justified in my actions. 

I've thought often about the aggression and violence during this last admission and wondered if it was my final rebellion against the mental health system. Yes..I know..that sounds totally bizarre! But looking back, it's the only explanation I can give..

Despite all this, I complied with the diet plan and put on the weight they asked. An Occupational Therapist suggested I sign up for a 2 year carpentry and upholstery course, which I did.  

It was a start anyway.

On my discharge, I told them this would be my last admission. I don't think they believed me.

This time there was no going back. I knew I had a very difficult journey ahead of me..

Kerry.

Eating Disorder recovery. (Part One).

I was at an open eating disorders meeting the other night which was really interesting. There were all sorts of folk there - people who were interested and wanted to know more, sufferers from all over the ED spectrum, advocacy workers, health workers, those in recovery and loved ones of sufferers who wanted advice.

Heading home afterwards a young woman in her twenties caught up with me. She was obviously anorexic, and her pain was visible in her eyes. I remember those eyes well..they stared back at me every day in the mirror for years. Misery..hopelessness..fear..despair.

She was quite shy, but after talking about the meeting for a few minutes she quietly asked me the question I'm often asked but dread.."How did you get better?"

I remember asking the exact same question myself to a recovered anorexic years ago, and being baffled by her enigmatic answer. She had made it sound so simple and had this air of belonging to some exclusive club which I didn't have admittance to.

As I was making a hash of trying to explain my recovery to the young woman, I could see the same look of awe and disbelief on her face I had all those years ago. Then came the inevitable, "You make it sound so easy." It wasn't and there were just no words to describe to her just how difficult it was.

We parted a few minutes later and I felt a little uneasy that I couldn't give her the magic answer she was looking for, but as I walked home I started thinking about my own recovery..

It wasn't easy. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, though as the years have gone by it has faded from my mind quite a bit. But I've been thinking about it a lot since that meeting and I hope that I can somehow get it down on paper without it sounding like a total breeze in the park or that I'm in that exclusive club or something..
This post will be mammoth, so I have split it up in to a series of posts to make for easier reading.

Looking back, my ED had 3 distinct phases:

Phase 1 was the new and exciting bit, almost like a new romance, and then there was the added thrill of rebelling against my doctors and pushing my body to extreme limits. It did feel unnatural at first, but I ploughed through that. I had a brief liaison with excessive exercising but I soon gave up because I'm lazy as hell and not even the anorexic voice inside my head was going to get me off my backside!

I think this phase lasted a year or two..certainly 3 or 4 hospital admissions anyway.

Phase 2 was the comfortable period. My ED was established and I felt safe and secure. Despite this, there were huge family arguments that I was ripping them apart. I couldn't see why they were so upset..this was my problem..not theirs. I also isolated myself to avoid those awkward social food events that people take for granted. My Anorexia and Bulimia were my life, and there was no way I was ever going to give them up. They were my comfort and my reason for living.

Phase 3 was the time things started to change. My eating disorders no longer satisfied me and I wanted something more from my life. I wanted to be normal, and the only way that was going to happen was if I gave them up. Despite this, it was not easy to break out of those ingrained habits that had served me so well..

All in all it took me five years to get to the point that I realized I wanted to get better, but it took several years after that, and many, many false starts before I succeeded on the journey.

The following posts in this sequence will try to explain how I finally recovered and what led me to make the decision. Part 2 focuses on arriving at the decision, Part 3 - the recovery process and Part 4 - afterword all of which will be added later.

There's a lot I've probably forgotten or missed out but I hope this gives you an idea of my journey anyway!

If you want to know anything more about my recovery - anything I've missed, or even to share your own story - don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kerry.

The life of Bulimia..

I never set out to be bulimic. Anorexic, yes, but I could never understand what people got from something that seemed so disgusting. Most people hate being sick, so why would you subject yourself to that on a frequent basis?

A month after I stopped eating completely I found out. Anorexia is a hard habit to acquire - it goes against all the natural bodily instincts. I was in hospital at the time and I was getting quite chuffed that I'd managed a whole month without food. Then one day, BAM! Without realizing it I had cleared the entire lunch trolley intended for the other patients. And all the rolls in the bread bin. And the biscuits in the tin too. My hunger was at last satiated but the panic and guilt that engulfed me afterwards that I would put on weight was too much to bear so I calmly walked to the toilet, closed the door and brought the lot up. Barfing on demand and the silent barf are other things that are not easy to acquire but which I perfected over the years. Many people hate vomiting. So do I. But the barf at the end of a binge is very different from when you're ill - there is no shaking, no nausea and afterwards I felt a huge buzz. Manic almost. This is caused by an electrolyte imbalance after the disgusting act. It wasn't pleasant but it solved a lot of problems. I intended to fast for as long as I could and then give in to the occasional binge when it all became too much. It didn't quite work out like that and the binges became more and more frequent. I didn't tell my doctors but I think it soon became apparent to them that I'd appear to eat normally then immediately disappear off to the toilet for an extended time. The fact that I was also losing weight rapidly was another clue.

Initially I thought bulimia was great. It is a bit mingy, but you just do it, and just imagine - you can eat ANYTHING you want and never gain any weight! Fantastic! That didn't last. Soon I began to feel a fraud..a feeling that haunted me through my entire "career" as an anorexic. People who looked at me would see an emaciated girl thinking that I didn't eat, but in reality I couldn't cope with the extreme hunger and had the guilty secret of bingeing, sometimes 20 times a day. A good day for me would be 3 binges, a typical day, 5 binges, and horrendous days had 10 binges or more.

I hated those days. By the end of them I was exhausted, my mouth raw and blistered, my sitting room resembling a rubbish dump and I was usually left with the flimsy resolve that this would be my last day as a bulimic. Of course, a few hours later I was awake and absolutely starving, counting the minutes before the shops opened, fantasizing about all the delicious things I would be eating that coming day.

My bulimia very quickly turned in to a physical addiction and at its worst, uncontrollable. It was constant. The food that I ate during a binge was the only food I ate. I didn't eat meals or snacks. My aim was to get through each day without eating at all, but that rarely happened. 

I took strange fancies for things..I relied on takeaways a lot, so often it was Indian, Chinese, Italian or the chip shop. I'd get weird cravings for binges consisting entirely of courgettes or rice or tomatoes and I've always believed that if I craved a meat dish I was anaemic or if I fancied dozens of bananas, I was lacking in potassium etc. I was well known in my local grocery stores. I visited them 2-3 times every day and I felt ashamed each time, especially if it was the same cashier.

I hated bulimia. It took me to some very dark and lonely places. It disgusted me, and I was disgusted with myself. After every binge, I would say to myself "NEVER AGAIN", but it always happened again which made me hate myself even more. I felt such a failure that I couldn't overcome it. It was like a strange beast living inside me that was impossible to satiate. Once one binge was over, I was planning the next. If I'd chucked leftover food in the kitchen bin, I'd be back in there an hour later retrieving it for my next binge. 

Payday was a day of great excitement and my binges could be a little more lavish, but by the end of the fortnight I was absolutely broke and getting by on ones that consisted solely of porridge.

I believe that I was bulimic because I was starving myself, and it disappeared almost overnight as soon as I started eating normally again. It took me a long time to realize that until I relinquished my anorexia, the bulimia would stay with me. If I was lonely, upset, or just plain bored, I'd have a binge. Long after I considered myself recovered, the terrible food cravings I had caused by PMS drove me to the occasional binge..maybe once every 3-4 months. I considered these to be crazy-girl-hormone related rather than an eating disorder. Thankfully I've not felt the need for one since my Mirtazapine withdrawal.

Bulimia and Me - some funny and not so funny stuff..

• Bulimia got me in to serious financial debt. Over the years I wasted so much money and I really regret that. All my money went on binges. I could have traveled the world with the money I wasted. The most I spent in one day on a binge was £200, though this was rare.

• For some strange reason, I always used to binge whilst watching the film "Titanic". I must have watched it hundreds of times and now can't bear to see it ever again! And I must also state the very sad fact that I am word perfect...I think the same also goes for "Pride and Prejudice" starring Colin Firth which is a shame as I quite liked it but now can't watch! If either of those films come on, I instantly find my mouth salivating and my fingers twitching in anticipation! It's very weird!

• I nearly lost my life several times when I had seizures due to potassium deficiency and electrolyte imbalances. Not nice. The habit is not relevant anymore, but I can still be seen carrying tons of bananas in my bag which I always forget about. More often than not I end up with lots of stinky mush all over my stuff after they've been bashed around a bit!

• I had an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) in relation to my purge ritual. I won't give you all the gory details but it involved something like drinking 30 gulps of water, then jumping up and down 60 times, heave..then repeat twice more. (Maybe doing a little dance too!) If anything got in the way of this ridiculous, but oh so important ritual, I'd get very agitated and panicky that food was left in my stomach. At the next available opportunity I'd repeat the whole circus until I felt the world was at rights again.

As I'm typing this, I can't believe how hilarious the ritual sounds, but at the time I felt very restricted by it. This cleared up once I stopped being bulimic, but it gave me a harrowing insight in to the lives of those who suffer from OCD permanently, who are so restricted by their disorder that it's impossible to lead a normal life.   

• Thank goodness for Sensodyne toothpaste! Thanks to it, I can now eat rhubarb, gooseberries, citrus fruits, chewing gum, Granny Smith apples and sour chewy sweets - hurrah!

I lost a couple of back teeth, but compared to many bulimics I've been very lucky with the condition of my gnashers. This is probably due to not having the energy to brush my teeth when I was depressed. I was warned never to brush straight after the purge as teeth are more vulnerable..

• Sometimes I packed away so much food that I thought my stomach was going to burst. 

• I think my tongue is dead! After years of acid regurgitation I'm not really able to taste food with the intensity that I could before. 

• Of course, there is the famous Pizza Hut incident which I mentioned previously in The Ludicrous side of Mental Health..#001. I find it hilarious now, but back then it wasn't quite so funny!

I never could have imagined the hold/effect that bulimia would have on me. I stupidly thought it was something I could rely on occasionally when I couldn't stand the hunger anymore. It was amazing how quickly I got sucked in to it, and a very short period of time after that I realized that I was up against something that had a life of its own and which I couldn't control. 

About 2 years in to my eating disorders, I was treated as an outpatient at a specialist clinic, but after a couple of years they told me there was nothing they could do to help me.

Some people disagree, but I believe bulimia is a form of addiction, and I've always said that recovering from bulimia is harder than other substances because food is all around you. If you are a recovering drug addict or alcoholic, alcohol and drugs can be avoided, but you still have to eat food. The trigger is always there.

I'll talk specifically about my recovery in another post, but a life free from anorexia and bulimia was unimaginable. Looking back, they are distant memories and behaviours that seem so alien to me now.

Bulimia can be a very lonely existence. It made me a hermit, and I never really had the guts to tell people around me what was going on. I had no trouble admitting to suffering from anorexia (and it's pretty obvious anyway!) but the bulimia was harder to own up to. Anorexia, in a perverse sort of way represents strength, self-control, denial, focus and willpower, whereas bulimia can be associated with the opposite, and that's difficult to admit to.

I'd maybe see this post as aimed at the layperson who finds the disorder difficult to comprehend, and this is just a little snippet of what it is like. I don't really want to go in to how awful and disgusting bulimia can get, but believe me..it can get pretty disgusting!

Kerry.

Anorexia.

It gets on my nerves when the glossy girlie magazines are often blamed as the cause of anorexia. It wasn't like that for me, and the anorexics that I have come in to contact with rarely mentioned the images in magazines as the cause of their illness. Instead the reasons ranged from trauma, neglect (emotional or physical), being afraid of sex or growing up, to have some control in a chaotic life, the many forms of abuse, lack of self-esteem, being in the shadow of a dominant sibling, a dominant mother, and many, many other reasons. Every anorexic is different, and the reason(s) that he or she became that way also differ.

A person suffering with anorexia is often seen as attention-seeking, fussy, stubborn, or the whole situation is a silly diet gone wrong, or a way to manipulate people, revenge, or the person is just being plain awkward and "for F*** sake, why can't you just EAT?"

This was something I heard frequently when I was ill. Unfortunately, not being able to eat is the tip of the iceberg. It's more complicated than just shovelling food into your mouth, chewing and then swallowing. How do you explain to someone (if they are even willing to listen), that being presented with a meal is like attempting to climb Mount Everest with a broken leg? Or that the innocent action of a friend inviting you out for coffee can evoke extreme terror and the probability of you saying "no" is about 99.99%? Or the only way you can go to sleep at night is with the knowledge that you haven't eaten today, that you've notched up 1000+ calories on your exercise bike, and as you slump in to bed exhausted you are so hungry that it's painful. But you feel safe. And clean. As you drift in to sleep, you dream about food. Every night. Huge banquets. You can taste it in your dream. It's wonderful. But then you wake up and realize that you will never be able to attend that banquet or eat that food for fear of the consequences-whatever they may be.

During your waking hours, you think about food constantly. You salivate and your tongue craves the feel of food on it. You gaze longingly into the windows of cake and chocolate shops, savouring every smell hoping it will satiate your desperate hunger. But it doesn't. You want to go in and buy the whole shop. But you can't. You mustn't. It would be weak. Your bathroom scales are your best friend and your worst enemy. They determine your mood for the day. You also develop an uneasy relationship with your toilet. The fear that any food has been ingested is so great that you will go to great lengths to get rid of it. Vomiting, laxatives, ipecac, enemas and colonic irrigation to name a few. After a while, the laxatives don't work any more. Your body has gotten used to them and you need more and more just for them to take effect. When they do, you are perched on the toilet for hours in the middle of the night with stomach contractions comparable with what I imagine childbirth to feel like. They also make you have cold sweats, palpitations and chest pains which make you think you are having a heart attack.

I was fairly uncommon in that my anorexia wasn't about my weight or body image. It was about what putting on weight represented. Growing up. Becoming a woman. Sex. A boyfriend. Motherhood. A job. And just being in a world that I felt too young for and which I hated. At my lowest weight of 69lbs and a BMI of 9, I could see how thin I was. I looked like a concentration camp victim. I looked disgusting. But I felt safe.

In hospital, being stuffed up with food, calorific nutrition drinks, drips and a nasogastric tube terrified me. It brought me closer to a life that I was frightened of and one that I didn't feel ready for.

I have photographs of myself from those days. I used to be proud of them-the achievement of getting that thin! But now when I look at them, I feel sick.

I didn't really know all my reasons for becoming ill until far on in my recovery process. I made a conscious decision to become anorexic. Initially it was to buy time until I worked out what the hell I was going to do with my life after the devastation of the breakdown. I'd devoted my life exclusively to music and that had gone. I was left with nothing. I needed something to focus on. Anorexia fitted the bill.

As a person, I am determined, goal orientated, a perfectionist, single-minded, stubborn and I like my own way. These qualities are fatal in an anorexic.

Looking back, I'm not surprised I ended up that way, and my reasons for becoming so were much more complicated than I'd originally thought.

I mentioned in a previous post that I'd wanted to be a nun for years. Now I can see that my motives for that were not fully religious, but an escape from the world, living in an ordered environment with somebody telling me what to do 24/7 for the rest of my life.

I'd felt a decade too young for my age. At university when my contemporaries were talking about jobs, in the back of my mind was a small voice telling me that I felt about 12 and too young for all of that. My childhood home-life was complicated; single parent, dominant younger sibling, and my own personality as a child, blah blah, which stunted my emotional development. I also believed I needed to punish myself for my failures. I felt I didn't deserve to live a normal life or to have love, so I deliberately destroyed the potential for both. There are other layers to the onion which I won't go in to, but it was definitely not a glossy magazine that gave me the idea to embrace an eating disorder!

It's hard to say if I regret those years. I do and I don't. I wasted a decade of my life which I can never get back. I am now left with osteoporosis, dodgy teeth, digestive troubles and food intolerances. I had no periods for 8 years and it's unknown whether I will have trouble conceiving when the time comes to have children.

Sometimes I feel very old for my 34 years.
Despite all this, I learned a lot. About me. About people. About life.

I feel a much richer person having come out the other end. I hit rock bottom and survived, and I found that life is not as scary as I once thought it was. Yes, I get anxious about all the crappy little things, but my attitudes towards the bigger picture have relaxed significantly. It irritates me when I see parents pushing their children to be something they clearly don't want to be which can cause emotional damage in the long run. As long as that child is healthy and happy, who cares if he wants to be a barista rather than a barrister?

I learned that life is precious and fragile and should never be taken for granted. I also learned that life can be very cruel.

I'll talk about my path to recovery in a later post, but I am extremely glad that I have no lasting food issues from those years. I put this down to my reasons for becoming anorexic in the first place-buying time and hiding from life rather than a distorted perception of my own body.

It's a sad fact that people have fewer expectations of you in the midst of anorexia, and now that I am recovered this is the thing I find hardest to deal with. I could never go back to that way of life, but sometimes when I'm having a crap day and stressed with the demands on me, I occasionally yearn for that simpler life where the only things I worried about were my weight and when my next binge would be. (I had bulimia alongside my anorexia, but I'll talk about that in time). Then I remember the fear that surrounded those years, how lonely it made me and how I nearly lost my life on several occasions. It makes me realize how lucky I am to be alive and how far I have come since I decided to face my fears and make the decision to recover.


Kerry.