Back to work diaries #008 - Job hunt back on!

So, the job hunt is back on! It's been nearly three months since my surgery and if I don't get back out there soon, I'll go mad!

Physically it'll be a challenge when I start working again...I'll probably be sleeping most of the time when I get home at night, but that's only temporary! Back to the gym methinks!
I've seen several things that catch my fancy..still admin type things, but in more unusual settings...more interesting that your usual admin role..

My main worry is the interview...not my strongest point, and if you have as many gaps in your CV as I do, it can get a bit awkward..
The last interview I had, they mentioned the gaps (which I thought was rather cheeky actually!) and I stumbled and fudged my way through my answers. I tried to explain the gaps in the best light I could, (for example, things like makeup model, starring in a film, and working in a care home are not that relevant to a admin role), but I still felt I was hiding my past.

The thing is, I now see my past as an advantage, but I can't exactly say to a prospective employer, "Oh yeah, 10 years off work with severe depression and anorexia/bulimia, but I'm okay now!"
How much is it safe to reveal, if anything, and what do you say when the awkward questions come?

Then there's the concentration issue...the blank mind and zoning out in the interview! It doesn't look good if you're seen, eyes glazing over and looking drugged... I have a herbal concoction that I sniff, and coupled with a strong cup of tea which sometimes help, but it's a hit or miss kind of thing..

I'm getting support with the interview side of things, and I hope as time goes on, I'll get better at thinking on my feet.

I know I can do a job, and do it well. It's just getting over that first hurdle.

Back to work diaries #007 - Job hunt suspended.

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

These last few weeks have been a bit frustrating on the job front.
My temporary job ended 3 weeks ago..I was quite sad about that as I'd become very fond of everyone, but maybe it was just as well - I was taken in to hospital the next day and had emergency surgery the day after. The day after that, I received three phone calls offering me job interviews. Talk about bad timing!

So the job hunt is off for the moment. Things are slowly getting better but I'll be out of action much longer than I'd originally hoped.
My plan is a few more weeks recovery from the surgery, then gradually building up my strength and fitness and then back in the game!

(Control-freak Kerry must remember she can't plan things such as recovery and her body will take it's own time and not a specific time-frame dictated by her!)

I'm a terrible patient and already I've been guilty of overdoing it. Maybe I should just enjoy the privilege of having this time off - when I'm working I'll be wishing I'd taken more advantage of it.

My main worry is the loss of mental and physical stamina which took me so long to build up, but I guess they can be built up again over time.

Jobs are always being advertised and the right one will come along at the right time.

This whole episode has been a bit of a kick up the backside as far as fitness and learning to give up control are concerned.

Some very useful lessons in there..frustrating, but useful!

Back to work diaries #006 - A reflection.

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

I wanted to apologise for the last post I wrote - the Back to work diaries #005 - Square peg in a Round Hole?
When I read it back, I thought, My God..this is so negative..I shouldn't have published it.. 
I make a point of keeping my blog as positive as I can, and given the subject matter it's not always easy, but I think I've done quite a good job!

When I reviewed this diary entry a few days later, I felt I looked like a spoilt brat going in to a strop or something! I was just about to press the delete button when something stopped me.

When I write a blog post, a great deal of time and effort goes in to each post. Sometimes a post can take months and several drafts, or a complete overhaul in some cases. But the Back to work diaries are different from my other posts. They are exactly what they say they are - diaries. These posts are not crafted. I write them down just as they come into my head. They chart my journey back to employment and all the highs and lows that come with this.

In the end I decided not to scrap my post. Yeah, it's not the most positive entry in the history of blogging, but it's how I was feeling on the day...

Back to work diaries #005 - Square Peg in a Round Hole?

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

I hated school. I mean, I really hated it. I felt trapped in a horrible system where I never fitted in and somehow felt very different from all the other students. I resented teachers telling me what to do when I didn't want to do it, or having to sit tests on subjects that I had absolutely no interest in. Once I lost interest that was it for me.

I think possibly a Montessori or Steiner school may have suited me better...

And now I find myself in the same situation in the world of work and I feel very very low and discouraged.

At the moment I'm doing a temp job and while I enjoy the front of house side, the admin side is making me lose the will to live. I've always had trouble with admin. I just find it so boring and tedious and somehow I just can't seem to crank my brain into gear and just do it.

I've tried self-bribery, 'Okay Kerry, if you do 5 more rows on the database, I'll treat you to a nice chai latte.' (Kerry then goes and gets the chai latte without doing the 5 rows..)

I've tried the mindfulness approach..'Hmm..those computer keys feel like scrabble pieces under my fingers..that computer screen is so bright..concentrate..keep calm..keep calm..breathe..that breeze coming in through the window reminds me of being outside..ooh..I really want to be outside right now playing with those cute dogs...'

I've tried the 'Just fucking well get down and bloody do it' approach..
This is probably the least productive method and my brain just tends to zone out...dissociation I guess..

I hate that I'm like this. It makes me feel weak, lazy and if I'm honest, a total failure.

I have great admiration for those who can stay in jobs they hate for years and they still have the will to get up every morning and go to work.

Me? If I find myself in a situation I don't like, I begin to feel trapped, then I shut down and start to become ill.

Like those awful days at school, I feel I just don't fit in..not just the office or another work environment, but somehow I feel I don't fit in in the world....

I don't think I'd ever have the motivation or the guts, but y'know what I really fancy doing? I want to work for myself. I want to choose the hours and the pace that I work. For years I've contemplated writing a book and becoming a mental health/recovery/inspirational speaker. I don't know..it's all a bit scary..I don't know if what I have to say is interesting enough..
But what I do know is that the admin side of things isn't for me. I just don't have the mindset or temperament for it. 

Oh, I know there's bits in every job that are shitty and everyone hates, and for me that's answering the telephone. Will my hearing let me down and produce some funny howlers? Will I be able to answer the question properly?... But admin I despise intensely and resist doing, but don't know why.

Maybe there's a few lessons to be learned in there about tolerance and perseverance in the workplace...or if I feel I don't fit in, maybe it's because I actually don't and a 'regular' job wouldn't suit me? I'm a people person and arty and creative. I have a brain and I want to use it!
Maybe there's something very unusual out there for me that only I can do but haven't discovered yet?

I guess it's back to the drawing board for a rethink and coming up with a plan 'B'.. There's lots more out there waiting for me to try!

I one hundred percent identify with this Quote:

"Square peg in a round hole" is an idiomatic expression which describes the unusual individualist who could not fit into a niche of his or her society.
Wallace, Irving (1957) The square pegs: Some Americans who Dared to be Different, p.10.

Back to work diaries #004 - A huge lesson..

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

Yesterday I learned a very important lesson - Never take a huge gulp of tea whilst working on reception.

It was a quiet afternoon at the desk..painfully quiet..no callers or inflow of people to be signed in, so I thought Aha! - a nice cup of Earl Grey will go down just fine!

I got my tea, quite chuffed that I'd managed to bag my favourite mug from the office collection and sat down to resume my work.

I took a huge swig of tea. Of course, the phone decided to ring at that precise moment having been silent for the past 3 hours.. I nearly spat out my tea in shock, then started choking (the phone is still ringing by the way) and just managed to press the 'ignore' button before I sorted myself out.

I spent the rest of the afternoon pissing myself laughing every time I thought about it, and very glad nobody had witnessed my rather embarrassing incident.. 

Back to work diaries #003 - Is this it then?...

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

Currently I'm three-quarters of my way through an Admin work experience programme and it's going quite well. The work is sometimes boring but I enjoy the interaction with others and feel it's something I can see myself doing (at least to get me started anyway). Doing part-time gives me extra time to devote to my other interests.

That's the theory anyway!

The trouble is, by the time I get in at night, I'm totally zonked. When I got home my very first evening, I woke up an hour later with my hat and jacket still on!
I'm finding that after the chores and meals have been finished, there's no energy to do all the things I wanted to do, like blogging, exercise or crafts and a lot of my free time is spent sleeping or crashed out on the sofa in a trance-like state.

As time goes on, I can't help but feel 'Is this it then? Just work and sleep? It's so not worth it!'

Somebody hit the nail on the head the other day when they said to me, "Welcome to the real world Kerry."

Suddenly Kerry folds her arms, pouts, stomps her foot and goes in to a hissy-fit as to how crap life is, that maybe work isn't a good idea and has a thunderbolt moment where she discovers a new-found admiration for those who juggle full-time jobs, children, dogs and everything else life throws at them.

It's pretty humbling and rather shaming if I'm totally honest..

But I have a dilemma going on in my head. I'm financially dependant on someone else to support me. I'm very grateful, but I find it hard to rely on someone else like that and feel guilty every time the cheque comes through. Sometimes I can feel a bit trapped by this and starting work and earning my own money would do wonders for my self-respect and independent nature. But I have to be careful..

Next week I have an interview for a 20-25 hour p/w job. It's the same sort of work I'm doing at the moment - I know I can do it, but is it too many hours?
Currently I'm doing between 15-20 hours a week in my work experience programme over 3 days. The job I've applied for is spread over 5 days..
So, basically four or five hours a day, Monday-Friday. It doesn't sound so bad when I put it like that.

But is there a danger I would get ill again? Would I feel trapped? Am I destined for a permanent zombie-like state?
No amount of money is worth the price of my health.

However, having a routine and a reason to get out of the house in the morning is what I really need in my life right now. 
I had a day off yesterday and even though I was in zombie mode, I was really bored and down because I had no reason to get up.

Going to work will be a huge change for me, and it will be hard to start with. Hopefully as time goes on I will build up stamina and become more human with time left over for hobbies, but I've got to accept that initially some things in my life will have to be put on hold.

If I go in to a job thinking I can't do it and I'm going to end up having a nervous breakdown over it, then it'll probably happen.

But if I go in to a job thinking 'Yes, it'll be hard to start with, but it will get better!' and keeping a good work/life balance, I'm more likely to succeed. (I don't know about you, but I believe in the Law of Attraction and the power of the mind, and in my experience what you visualise is what you manifest - Amazing!)

If in the end, it does prove to be too much I can always leave the job and take away some valuable lessons from it. 

It's all a big learning curve.

Wish me luck!

*Update, 19th July '14*
In the end I decided not to go for the interview and have no regrets about that.
Only a few days later I was offered some temporary work doing admin and front of house.
I kind of "fell" into it as a follow-on from the work experience programme which meant I already knew the job and even better, no scary job interview to attend! Woo!

Back to work diaries #002 - Excellent Poofreading skills! Writing the CV.

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

It's CV writing week on the course, and it has to be one of the most tedious things ever!
I'm quite good at writing personal statements and have the most fortunate knack of making a sack of tatties sound fantastic (a possible potato advertising career perhaps?) but when it came to writing my CV..? I ended up losing my temper and ready to pack up, go home and come to terms with my permanent status as a "home-maker" which was rather depressing. 

To get the SQA (Scottish Qualifications Authority) award, we have to provide proof that we have done the work required - in this case, produce a CV tailored to a specific job and write an impassioned cover letter stating why you and this job are meant to be together forever.

Now, that's easy if you know what you want to do, but I haven't got a clue which makes it ten times harder...

I'm sort of thinking of things in the receptionist area so I tailored it to that, and with a bit of help, my CV looks not bad at all. 

I was asked what my objectives were in going for this job... If I'm honest: money to give me some independence, a reason to get out of the house in the morning, and to give me a routine. That's it basically. Unfortunately I can't really bung that on a cover letter now can I?! 

Another tricky area is in how the CV should look. I've gotten so much conflicting advice from people, I'm not sure about anything any more.. Should it be plain? With colour or boring black and white? Should it flow, or have bullet points instead? Photo or no photo? It just goes on and on...

Personally I want something that will stand out from the rest of the pile..eye-catching yet easy to read, that the prospective employer can check me out at a glance and not be bothered with screeds of labour-intensive waffle.

I did have one laugh which had me giggling all day where I accidentally typed "Excellent poofreading skills".. 

Thankfully my proofreading skills are also pretty excellent and I spotted it before it was too late.

Back to work diaries #001 - Job descriptions freak me out!

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

Just to see what's out there, I've been doing lots of job searches and keep getting totally freaked out by the job description.

Even pretty basic jobs like portering or shop floor, the list of duties and personal qualities expected makes me think I'll never be able to do any of these jobs, let alone consider applying for one.

I got so discouraged I even considered giving up at one point, but my employability coach pointed out that it's just a "wish list" they have for the ideal candidate and not concrete.

Phew - that's a relief!

I've started an employability award takes you into the nitty-gritty of job searching: where to find the type of job you want, CV's and interview skills, all of which I have little experience.

In the past I've not been able to work due to illness, but I admit I feel rather embarrassed at being nearly 36 and apart from two short stints, I've never had a proper job.

In this day and age, you hear about all those graduates who can't get jobs, and the general lack of jobs out there, yet jobs are still being advertised and got by people.

It's scary, but it's also new and exciting.

For the first time in my life I feel I can do this without my health getting in the way.

Bring it on!

New series of posts coming up!

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

Watch this space!