Back to work diaries #005 - Square Peg in a Round Hole?

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

I hated school. I mean, I really hated it. I felt trapped in a horrible system where I never fitted in and somehow felt very different from all the other students. I resented teachers telling me what to do when I didn't want to do it, or having to sit tests on subjects that I had absolutely no interest in. Once I lost interest that was it for me.

I think possibly a Montessori or Steiner school may have suited me better...

And now I find myself in the same situation in the world of work and I feel very very low and discouraged.

At the moment I'm doing a temp job and while I enjoy the front of house side, the admin side is making me lose the will to live. I've always had trouble with admin. I just find it so boring and tedious and somehow I just can't seem to crank my brain into gear and just do it.

I've tried self-bribery, 'Okay Kerry, if you do 5 more rows on the database, I'll treat you to a nice chai latte.' (Kerry then goes and gets the chai latte without doing the 5 rows..)

I've tried the mindfulness approach..'Hmm..those computer keys feel like scrabble pieces under my fingers..that computer screen is so bright..concentrate..keep calm..keep calm..breathe..that breeze coming in through the window reminds me of being outside..ooh..I really want to be outside right now playing with those cute dogs...'

I've tried the 'Just fucking well get down and bloody do it' approach..
This is probably the least productive method and my brain just tends to zone out...dissociation I guess..

I hate that I'm like this. It makes me feel weak, lazy and if I'm honest, a total failure.

I have great admiration for those who can stay in jobs they hate for years and they still have the will to get up every morning and go to work.

Me? If I find myself in a situation I don't like, I begin to feel trapped, then I shut down and start to become ill.

Like those awful days at school, I feel I just don't fit in..not just the office or another work environment, but somehow I feel I don't fit in in the world....

I don't think I'd ever have the motivation or the guts, but y'know what I really fancy doing? I want to work for myself. I want to choose the hours and the pace that I work. For years I've contemplated writing a book and becoming a mental health/recovery/inspirational speaker. I don't know..it's all a bit scary..I don't know if what I have to say is interesting enough..
But what I do know is that the admin side of things isn't for me. I just don't have the mindset or temperament for it. 

Oh, I know there's bits in every job that are shitty and everyone hates, and for me that's answering the telephone. Will my hearing let me down and produce some funny howlers? Will I be able to answer the question properly?... But admin I despise intensely and resist doing, but don't know why.

Maybe there's a few lessons to be learned in there about tolerance and perseverance in the workplace...or if I feel I don't fit in, maybe it's because I actually don't and a 'regular' job wouldn't suit me? I'm a people person and arty and creative. I have a brain and I want to use it!
Maybe there's something very unusual out there for me that only I can do but haven't discovered yet?

I guess it's back to the drawing board for a rethink and coming up with a plan 'B'.. There's lots more out there waiting for me to try!

I one hundred percent identify with this Quote:

"Square peg in a round hole" is an idiomatic expression which describes the unusual individualist who could not fit into a niche of his or her society.
Wallace, Irving (1957) The square pegs: Some Americans who Dared to be Different, p.10.