Back to work diaries #003 - Is this it then?...

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

Currently I'm three-quarters of my way through an Admin work experience programme and it's going quite well. The work is sometimes boring but I enjoy the interaction with others and feel it's something I can see myself doing (at least to get me started anyway). Doing part-time gives me extra time to devote to my other interests.

That's the theory anyway!

The trouble is, by the time I get in at night, I'm totally zonked. When I got home my very first evening, I woke up an hour later with my hat and jacket still on!
I'm finding that after the chores and meals have been finished, there's no energy to do all the things I wanted to do, like blogging, exercise or crafts and a lot of my free time is spent sleeping or crashed out on the sofa in a trance-like state.

As time goes on, I can't help but feel 'Is this it then? Just work and sleep? It's so not worth it!'

Somebody hit the nail on the head the other day when they said to me, "Welcome to the real world Kerry."

Suddenly Kerry folds her arms, pouts, stomps her foot and goes in to a hissy-fit as to how crap life is, that maybe work isn't a good idea and has a thunderbolt moment where she discovers a new-found admiration for those who juggle full-time jobs, children, dogs and everything else life throws at them.

It's pretty humbling and rather shaming if I'm totally honest..

But I have a dilemma going on in my head. I'm financially dependant on someone else to support me. I'm very grateful, but I find it hard to rely on someone else like that and feel guilty every time the cheque comes through. Sometimes I can feel a bit trapped by this and starting work and earning my own money would do wonders for my self-respect and independent nature. But I have to be careful..

Next week I have an interview for a 20-25 hour p/w job. It's the same sort of work I'm doing at the moment - I know I can do it, but is it too many hours?
Currently I'm doing between 15-20 hours a week in my work experience programme over 3 days. The job I've applied for is spread over 5 days..
So, basically four or five hours a day, Monday-Friday. It doesn't sound so bad when I put it like that.

But is there a danger I would get ill again? Would I feel trapped? Am I destined for a permanent zombie-like state?
No amount of money is worth the price of my health.

However, having a routine and a reason to get out of the house in the morning is what I really need in my life right now. 
I had a day off yesterday and even though I was in zombie mode, I was really bored and down because I had no reason to get up.

Going to work will be a huge change for me, and it will be hard to start with. Hopefully as time goes on I will build up stamina and become more human with time left over for hobbies, but I've got to accept that initially some things in my life will have to be put on hold.

If I go in to a job thinking I can't do it and I'm going to end up having a nervous breakdown over it, then it'll probably happen.

But if I go in to a job thinking 'Yes, it'll be hard to start with, but it will get better!' and keeping a good work/life balance, I'm more likely to succeed. (I don't know about you, but I believe in the Law of Attraction and the power of the mind, and in my experience what you visualise is what you manifest - Amazing!)

If in the end, it does prove to be too much I can always leave the job and take away some valuable lessons from it. 

It's all a big learning curve.

Wish me luck!

*Update, 19th July '14*
In the end I decided not to go for the interview and have no regrets about that.
Only a few days later I was offered some temporary work doing admin and front of house.
I kind of "fell" into it as a follow-on from the work experience programme which meant I already knew the job and even better, no scary job interview to attend! Woo!

The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #009

Someone asked me the other day who the scariest person I'd met in hospital was..
Thinking back to the colourful characters I'd met over the years, I was surprised at myself when I blurted out "The Psychiatrists!"