Resolutions and Stuff..

Happy New Year Folks!

Now that I've got over the post New Year booze haze, I'm back!

Have you made any resolutions for this coming year? 

I've sometimes made a few pathetic attempts in the past which were totally unrealistic, and of course totally collapsed mid-January. Some years I didn't bother at all. 

This year I'm feeling a little more positive and decided to come up with a few. They're pretty basic, but if they're realistic I reckon they'll be more achievable.

Here goes:

1: Get fitness up and make it a commitment to do it.

2: To have fun, lighten up and let go of fear.

3: To retrieve my inner calm and do what is required to maintain it.

4: To make our flat a home, and not something resembling a teenagers' bedroom.

I think they're doable..

There's a lot more I'd like to achieve this year, and if these basics are in place they're more likely to happen, but I won't get upset about it if they don't.

I'll keep you posted!

How good are you at keeping resolutions?

Have a great year folks - I'm really looking forward to this one! 

Kerry.

Regrets and Bucket Lists

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would you have any regrets? Looking back over your life, would you have done anything differently?

After a little bit of thought, I've come to the conclusion that on the surface, I don't have that many regrets about the way my life turned out..I am where I am. Sure, I made a lot of crappy decisions when I was younger, but I dealt with them. Certain circumstances as a result of those crappy decisions dictated what I could and couldn't do and I accept that.

As I'm typing in my single finger style..reading the above..I sound totally unnatural! Probing a little deeper into that place I don't often want to go, I realise that there are a few regrets lurking in there that I hadn't really noticed or rather, chose to ignore..

Here goes..

I regret:

- living my life in fear and anxiety

- that I let other people's opinions of me matter so much

- that I didn't travel more

- that I never tried on a wedding dress for the hell of it

- that I was afraid to stand up for myself

- I wasn't adventurous with my cooking

- that I didn't take better care of myself

- that I was frightened to love fully for fear of being hurt

- that I was frightened to love for fear of loss

- that I didn't go dancing more

- that I never conquered my stage fright

- that I did what other people wanted..not what I wanted

- that I never allowed myself to have FUN!

- that I never discovered my passion in life and made it my career

- that I never learned to love myself fully

- that I worked so hard at university but failed to live

WHOA! Mood kill... Okay, so that's pretty depressing! They're not like "I regret not climbing Mount Everest when I had the chance"...or "I regret not booking bungee ballet classes"...(Actually, that sounds pretty cool..)

It's depressing that most of my regrets are based on fear. It's quite sad really..and a bit of a shock.

Well..going by my general health, mood, fitness and road safety awareness, it's highly unlikely that I'll be kicking the bucket any time soon, touch wood (taps forehead)..

There's fun lurking in this old bird yet!

I've come across bucket lists before...if you know you are dying within a certain time you make a list of all the things you want to do before you die, then do them.

I don't know how long I've got, but I've decided to create a bucket list, so that when I eventually do Kick the Bucket, my life will have been that much richer.

My bucket list:

- to go to the Hebrides, Orkney and Shetland

- Go-Cart racing 

- to get a professional portrait photo done

- go to the cinema more

- to visit the pyramids in Egypt

- to visit the Auschwitz concentration camp  

- write a book

- visit Rome

- visit Australia

- bungee ballet

- to build up a healthy strong body 

- white water rafting

- pole dancing

- to swim with dolphins

- to see the Golden Gate Bridge

- to experience the casinos in Las Vegas

- to try on a wedding dress for fun

- to visit Scandinavia (planning this for next year, finances allowing!)

- visit Florida

- and a few personal goals for building up confidence and not letting fear rule my life..

The biggest obstacle to a lot of these is money...but if I want to do it badly enough, it will happen!

Kerry :)

I hate Christmas!

I don't know about you, but I'm not a fan of the festive season at all. It's that time of year again when all I want to do is snuggle up in my bed and hibernate 'till Easter.

Right old Scrooge, me.

The festive period is usually a happy time - a chance to put the diet on the back burner for a while, spend time with loved ones, eating, drinking and being merry, looking forward to a new year and perhaps setting a few intentions for the coming year.

Like many people with mental ill health, I find Christmas and New Year difficult.

For me, it is a time of intense loneliness and pain...dwelling on past mistakes, regrets and broken dreams rather than looking forward to what the future may bring.

It's hard to feel part of the festive cheer if you feel dead inside..too knackered even to crank the corners of your mouth up in to something resembling a smile.

Everyone is expected to be all jolly jolly which makes it worse because inside you are wondering "What is wrong with me?..I should be happy.." which then makes you feel shittier than you already did. 

Then there was the palaver of having to muster the colossal effort of simulating some sort of emotion at "The opening of the Presents", feeling completely numb, my face having been set in stone for the last 6 months...

Christmas day can be a bit of an ordeal sometimes - it's better for me now I don't have the added stress of being anorexic and bulimic any more. But there were some Christmases in the past where I was so ill that I didn't really care if I got gifts or not. All I wanted to do was sleep and get the day over with as quickly as possible.

I think you'll be beginning to get the picture by now!...

I think I'd better stop before I start rambling on about the materialism and commercialism of Christmas and depressing you even further. That's for next year I think!

Baa Humbug.

But spare a thought for those, for whatever reason, who may find Christmas difficult this year.

Kerry x

(Incidentally, one of my best Christmases ever was spent alone in my flat, snuggly PJ's on, eating my favourite grub and watching my favourite movies). Fab!

The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #005

When I was anorexic, I used to start worrying in July about how I was going to handle the ordeal of "The Christmas Dinner". (I jokingly referred to it as "The Last Supper"!)

I always found it difficult getting the right balance of eating enough not to offend, but not eating so much that I was thrown into a complete panic.

In a culture where the refusal of food is the ultimate rejection, you can imagine how horrendous the situation was for everyone present.

Thankfully those fearful days are in the past and I can now enjoy the occasion with my loved ones.

It may sound ludicrous to get so wound up over one meal, but to the anorexic, the Christmas Dinner, or any other festal occasion is a time of great fear and anguish.

Kerry.

Mirtazapine withdrawal - 1 year on..

This week made it a year since I came off the psychiatric drug Mirtazapine. I can't believe how quickly the year has flown by - a huge roller-coaster of highs and lows, disasters and triumphs.

Has it been easy?

No. The withdrawal from the drug itself was horrible and took much longer than I ever thought it would - about 9 months, and even now it still takes a lot of fine tuning to balance my mental health week in, week out.

It's been quite a learning curve coming off the drug. I've had to relearn how to live my life without the drug and get to know what my body is telling me - what triggers bad episodes..what makes them better..what to do in a crisis, how to maintain good mental health and so on..

I still get huge crashes and depressions from time to time, but I've had to learn to cope with them medication free. 

Yes, they are very scary when they happen, but I also know that they're the result of something in my life that isn't right. That might be stress, exhaustion, stuff at home, work, eating too much junk food, not enough exercise, too much or too little sleep, not having proper structure to my day or not enough meditation and "Me time".

Despite the difficulties, I've never regretted coming off the drug. Sometimes when the big crashes came I wondered if I had done the right thing - there were two instances where I seriously considered going back on it again. But I'm glad I didn't because like most of my crashes, they passed eventually.

All in all, I'd been on various forms of psychiatric medication since I was 19 and I think it will be some time before I work out how my body and mind function without the drug.

I'm still trying to work out a sleep pattern that a) doesn't leave me mentally exhausted but physically fine, or b) leave me physically exhausted but mentally alert.

Diet is another source of constant experimentation. If I succumb to an illicit bar of chocolate, I know I will pay for it a few days later with my crashing mood and lethargy which can take weeks to recover from. Likewise caffeine, bread, alcohol and anything with sugar.

I hope to have many more years medication-free, and I don't see how that shouldn't be a reality if I take extra care. 

The hardest thing for me is finding the strength to overcome my "One won't hurt" frame of mind, because I know fine well that it only takes one!

Kerry.

Other posts of interest: Mirtazapine Withdrawal, Mirtazapine Withdrawal - 6 months on, Mirtazapine Withdrawal - 9 months on.

For me...

Stress is when I worry about everything. Depression is when I worry about nothing..

It took me years to realise this.

Information Overload

Information Overload (IO) is something I'm affected by much more than the average person.

I wish I had a brain like a room out of an Ikea catalogue - uncluttered. Everything neat in its place. Peace and quiet to just simply breath. But no! My brain is chaotic, crowded and very very messy (rather like my bedroom).. There is no room for any more stuff and I really need to have a clear out. 

Y'see.. I tend to have a lot of trouble absorbing information. Written information especially. And in this age of endless emails, social media, blogs, apps, and up to the minute information about what is going on in the world, I frequently find myself with that tell-tale headache, brain-freeze, lethargy, insanity and frustration which makes me want to have a good metaphorical sweep out with a broom.  

Sometimes I'm very envious of my partner, a brain-box who thrives on knowledge and eagerly hoovers up information far more effectively than any Dyson. He says he finds it relaxing - I look on in disbelief and wonder, quietly slipping in to a catatonic stupor whilst feeling like a clapped-out old Electrolux letting out more than it takes in.

Thankfully all is not lost.

Over the last year or so I've been doing some experimenting to see how I can make things easier for myself.

I mentioned before that written information is a problem. Now I limit my time on Facebook..I even sign out after each time so it's more of a hassle to get back in again. 

I don't read blogs. I don't really scour the Internet unless it's for something specific (like ancient vacuum cleaner brands). 

I try to limit the amount of times I check my email in a day..not always easy mind you.. 

I rarely pay attention to the news these days, probably as most of it is rather depressing anyway. 

I do read books and if they're rather complicated I like to read them over and over again.

My partner rather ungraciously laughed when I found "The idiot's guide to Windows 8" too difficult to comprehend, while I much preferred a book with step-by-step photo illustrations. Cut all the wordy waffle and get straight to the point I say! 

Visual learner, me.

It's a simpler life, and quite nice in a way. I would love to be able to read more, but since adopting the strategies above, my mind is less cluttered and I'm less overwhelmed. 

Maybe it's like a muscle I need to exercise more and more..but I've not yet heard of any personal mind trainers yet!

Kerry.