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Kerry:)

Mirtazapine Withdrawal - 2 Years on.

Hi Guys,
This past week saw 2 years since I came off Mirtazapine.
It's still hard to believe, but also it seems such a long time ago - I'm forgetting what it was like to be on psychiatric drugs.

I don't regret coming off the medication. But it hasn't been easy. What reassures me is that I've not been any better (or worse) than when I was on the drug, but I don't get all the crappy side effects that come with taking it..

However, the last few months have been pretty bad...a combination of surgery, complications after the surgery, an unsuccessful job hunt and of course, the descent in to the dark winter days hasn't helped either. 

My sleep never got quite sorted out after the withdrawal, so 2 years on, I still find myself waking in the wee small hours racked with anxiety, tossing and turning. I have family members the same way so maybe it's just something I've got to live with.

I'm currently focussing on my fitness in the hope it'll combat the depression that's been hanging around, and in a couple of weeks' time, I fly off to Egypt for lots of sun, sea and flumes. Cant wait!

Send lots of positive vibes my way!

Kerry x 

Back to work diaries #008 - Job hunt back on!

So, the job hunt is back on! It's been nearly three months since my surgery and if I don't get back out there soon, I'll go mad!

Physically it'll be a challenge when I start working again...I'll probably be sleeping most of the time when I get home at night, but that's only temporary! Back to the gym methinks!
I've seen several things that catch my fancy..still admin type things, but in more unusual settings...more interesting that your usual admin role..

My main worry is the interview...not my strongest point, and if you have as many gaps in your CV as I do, it can get a bit awkward..
The last interview I had, they mentioned the gaps (which I thought was rather cheeky actually!) and I stumbled and fudged my way through my answers. I tried to explain the gaps in the best light I could, (for example, things like makeup model, starring in a film, and working in a care home are not that relevant to a admin role), but I still felt I was hiding my past.

The thing is, I now see my past as an advantage, but I can't exactly say to a prospective employer, "Oh yeah, 10 years off work with severe depression and anorexia/bulimia, but I'm okay now!"
How much is it safe to reveal, if anything, and what do you say when the awkward questions come?

Then there's the concentration issue...the blank mind and zoning out in the interview! It doesn't look good if you're seen, eyes glazing over and looking drugged... I have a herbal concoction that I sniff, and coupled with a strong cup of tea which sometimes help, but it's a hit or miss kind of thing..

I'm getting support with the interview side of things, and I hope as time goes on, I'll get better at thinking on my feet.

I know I can do a job, and do it well. It's just getting over that first hurdle.

It's okay not to go back.

Have you ever had a food that you loved as a kid but you ate so much of it that you can't bear to eat it ever again?

That's me. Although it's not food I'm talking about, it's music.

I've always been very musical. As a wee girl at the age of 5, I'd be composing my own tunes and picking up songs off the radio and recreating them on my keyboard. Nobody taught me how to do it...it just happened naturally. Any instrument I came in to contact with, it seemed to come together under my fingers. It just felt...right.

It's not surprising that years later I went on to study classical music at university and spent most of my free time attending concerts and going to choir/band/orchestra/conducting practise.. It was my whole life and I loved it! It wasn't an easy life though. I had constant back troubles from playing my instrument for hours every day, I never seemed to have enough time in the day to fit all my practise in and I found the pressure of frequent concerts, performance classes and exams a bit too much sometimes.

As time went on, I began to question if I was on the right path and felt I had hit a dead end. Somehow I seemed to have run out of talent..it's the only way I can describe it. I lost form rapidly and by the end of my final year everything collapsed.
The pursuit of perfection was impossible and eventually I burnt out. I felt sickened, embarrassed and somehow that I had failed. Recovering in hospital afterwards I couldn't bear to listen to classical music. It reminded me of everything I had lost. I didn't want anything more to do with music.

What led up to the breakdown was never investigated, although a doctor rather stupidly told me it was music that had caused all my problems... I believe it was far more complicated than that - many things contributed, a lot of which I wasn't able to comprehend until much later. 

That was nearly 15 years ago, and I still find the whole 'music thing' incredibly painful.
I picked up a church anthem book the other day, and it felt like I had come home. This was the real me...I revelled in the melodies and harmonies and the memories I had in singing them, but then I shut the book as I was starting to get uneasy...even just writing about it makes my throat burn and my eyes sting..

Is it possible to go back after burnout? I've tried once or twice in the past and I could feel myself going down the old perfectionist route again.
Is it possible I could retrain my thought patterns to not have all the old negative associations? I probably could, but it would take years and years of hard work.
It's not just all the painful stuff going on from the past, but music isn't to me what it once was.. It's just not fun any more and I get very little pleasure from it.

I've been tortured by feelings for a long time that I ought to go back because it's a shame to waste my gift, but do I really want to go back? Hum...well, if I'm totally honest, No. (Remember that food you once loved as a kid but are repulsed by it now?)

I very rarely tell people about my musical past. In days gone by when I mentioned it, I was usually asked to give a demo... Come on! Play us a wee tune or Sing us a song. After telling them I hadn't played in a long time and very rusty and probably not very good either, I got all the crap about being too modest etc etc... (There are only so many ways you can graciously refuse before you snap and say something rude!) In the beginning I did occasionally oblige them, and then came the inevitable "Oh....I see, yes, you are out of practise" (Well I did tell you I was didn't I?!) 
These days it's much easier not to say anything at all.

I do feel rather sad about the whole music thing though...it seems a shame to let that ability go to waste. All the stuff I'm doing now? Somehow it doesn't feel quite right.
Have you ever heard someone 'coming out' for the first time and describing how they've found a part of themselves that seemed to be missing?
In a way, I feel the same.. There's this whole side of me, the musical side, that I have been suppressing all these years..

But maybe its okay not to go back. I read something on the topic a few days ago, and a sentence at the end jumped out at me which said that it was okay to give myself permission to quit. It helped put the "should I, shouldn't I" debate to rest.

It's okay to just shut that book and move on. There are some parts of music I feel fine with, like composing, analysing and making up rude lyrics to well-known songs, and I'll still dabble with those from time to time, but I can't deny music was a huge part of my life.

Giving myself Permission to Quit music makes me feel at ease with the past. I used to call myself a 'Failed Musician', but many people have left music and never gone back. I may go back one day, or I may not, but I will stop beating myself up about it.

I'm an 'All or Nothing' type of person and often have 'little burnouts' where I jump enthusiastically into a project and end up dropping it a few weeks later having exhausted that enthusiasm. 
One of the biggest lessons I'm learning is to care a little less about what I'm doing and not taking the whole thing so seriously.

A little step back..

Hi there, 
Just to let you know I will be taking a little step back from blogging, and instead of posting every week, I'll be hoping to post every second week or so. 

Sometimes this chatty girl just runs out of things to say - never thought I'd hear myself saying that! Scandalous for a Scottish lass!!

Hope to see you soon!

The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #11

Since my mirtazapine withdrawal I've noticed something really strange. 

Just before I get a depressive episode, my sense of smell goes very acute. At first I thought it was me or my house smelling a bit fusty, but after asking some (very close) friends to give me a sniff, they said I smelled fine, and it was then I realised my sense of smell was heightened.

Then the next day, or the day after that I will end up in bed for several days with a bad depression.

It happens too often to be a coincidence. Sometimes it's so overpowering it drives me crazy and I end up spending a fortune on perfume and room fragrances!

I'm kind of curious as to what's causing it..

Has anyone else found this or heard of this before?

Kerry.

Back to work diaries #007 - Job hunt suspended.

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

These last few weeks have been a bit frustrating on the job front.
My temporary job ended 3 weeks ago..I was quite sad about that as I'd become very fond of everyone, but maybe it was just as well - I was taken in to hospital the next day and had emergency surgery the day after. The day after that, I received three phone calls offering me job interviews. Talk about bad timing!

So the job hunt is off for the moment. Things are slowly getting better but I'll be out of action much longer than I'd originally hoped.
My plan is a few more weeks recovery from the surgery, then gradually building up my strength and fitness and then back in the game!

(Control-freak Kerry must remember she can't plan things such as recovery and her body will take it's own time and not a specific time-frame dictated by her!)

I'm a terrible patient and already I've been guilty of overdoing it. Maybe I should just enjoy the privilege of having this time off - when I'm working I'll be wishing I'd taken more advantage of it.

My main worry is the loss of mental and physical stamina which took me so long to build up, but I guess they can be built up again over time.

Jobs are always being advertised and the right one will come along at the right time.

This whole episode has been a bit of a kick up the backside as far as fitness and learning to give up control are concerned.

Some very useful lessons in there..frustrating, but useful!