The Only Way is Up.

Sometimes I hit rock bottom and not noticed how I've gotten there..it happens so slowly and Bam! one day you realise that you've got yourself into a terrible mess that you don't know how to get out of.

When I wake up in the morning and feel I have nothing to live for or nothing to lose, I want to go back to sleep forever. The ruins of what was my life lay mangled at my feet. "How did it come to this?" I ask myself.."Where did I go wrong?". Things were going so well..

I don't want to eat, or bathe, or do anything, or see anyone. I see no future..only a haze of grey emptiness stretching out before me. It feels like I'm walking through a huge vat of mud and completely numb except for the constant burning in my chest and throat about to trigger off yet more tears. My eyes are still swollen and head still pounding from the last lot. My life feels as if it's over.

Rock bottom is a terrible, lonely and painful place...but it can also a good place to be. You can't get any lower than this. It gives you a funny sort of freedom..the things that matter to the average person in the world don't mean a thing to you now.. The only way you can go from here is up. This is a chance to completely reassess my life and learn from my mistakes..Where did things go wrong? What changed that I fell off the path? And what can I do to put it right again?

It's not easy..it never is. And I get tired of that.

When it comes to this, normal everyday life has to take a back seat.

Sometimes it's a matter of forcing yourself to get up and brush your teeth in the morning even if it's the only thing you do that day...or forcing yourself to go outside when you haven't been out for a week. It doesn't matter that you've still got your PJ's on under your maxi skirt, but hey, I got out of the house! I've achieved something today!

Sometimes it's even a case of putting all my effort in to eating and drinking at regular intervals to build up a little strength and to give me a reason to get up...taking things in minute baby steps and slowly building up over time... .

But it's the small things like this that help you through rock bottom.

Soon it'll be time to identify what went wrong, and how I can do things in future to prevent this happening again. It takes energy though, and making some uncomfortable changes and decisions..which is daunting.

I'll get there in the end I guess..I always do..