New series of posts coming up!

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

Watch this space!

One year on..

Happy first birthday to my blog! I didn't imagine one year later I'd still be typing away.
Thanks to all of you who've taken the time to read my (sometimes) hefty posts!

Kerry :)

The Only Way is Up.

Sometimes I hit rock bottom and not noticed how I've gotten there..it happens so slowly and Bam! one day you realise that you've got yourself into a terrible mess that you don't know how to get out of.

When I wake up in the morning and feel I have nothing to live for or nothing to lose, I want to go back to sleep forever. The ruins of what was my life lay mangled at my feet. "How did it come to this?" I ask myself.."Where did I go wrong?". Things were going so well..

I don't want to eat, or bathe, or do anything, or see anyone. I see no future..only a haze of grey emptiness stretching out before me. It feels like I'm walking through a huge vat of mud and completely numb except for the constant burning in my chest and throat about to trigger off yet more tears. My eyes are still swollen and head still pounding from the last lot. My life feels as if it's over.

Rock bottom is a terrible, lonely and painful place...but it can also a good place to be. You can't get any lower than this. It gives you a funny sort of freedom..the things that matter to the average person in the world don't mean a thing to you now.. The only way you can go from here is up. This is a chance to completely reassess my life and learn from my mistakes..Where did things go wrong? What changed that I fell off the path? And what can I do to put it right again?

It's not easy..it never is. And I get tired of that.

When it comes to this, normal everyday life has to take a back seat.

Sometimes it's a matter of forcing yourself to get up and brush your teeth in the morning even if it's the only thing you do that day...or forcing yourself to go outside when you haven't been out for a week. It doesn't matter that you've still got your PJ's on under your maxi skirt, but hey, I got out of the house! I've achieved something today!

Sometimes it's even a case of putting all my effort in to eating and drinking at regular intervals to build up a little strength and to give me a reason to get up...taking things in minute baby steps and slowly building up over time... .

But it's the small things like this that help you through rock bottom.

Soon it'll be time to identify what went wrong, and how I can do things in future to prevent this happening again. It takes energy though, and making some uncomfortable changes and decisions..which is daunting.

I'll get there in the end I guess..I always do..

An Episode from the Borderline - Life with BPD.

I thought it was high time I wrote something about that grossly misunderstood illness: Borderline Personality Disorder. (Actually the 'Borderline' bit of my blog name isn't to do with the disorder - it's that feeling of standing on the edge of life and looking in..of being on the Border Line and not quite belonging).

  

I was diagnosed with BPD in 2006, quite late on in my time in the psychiatric system. They've always said it was rather an iffy decision. Often the diagnosis is given when the doctors haven't the foggiest idea of what's wrong with you. If you are young, female and have a tendency to self-harm, your chances of getting the diagnosis will be higher. (BPD is the only mental health disorder in DSM IV-TR that lists self-harm in the diagnostic criteria).

It's not nice to be told you have a Personality Disorder. When I was told, it made me examine every single little thing about myself that might have led to this diagnosis. Was I some sort of psycho? Was I even a real person? I didn't seem to know anymore.. 

What did my personality even consist of? Was it my intellect? Was it because I possessed an earthy sense of humour and cracked up at the mere whiff of a fart joke?

Was it my personal habits? (Okay - I drink out of my cereal bowl when I'm feeling too lazy to spoon it all up), or that I laugh too loud or frown when I smile??

Was I too shy or too sensitive or too tomboyish? Was I considered not Normal? And what was normal anyway? I thought I was just like everybody else..

I've always believed your personality is what makes you, YOU, and when I was told on that fateful day back in 2006 that I had a Personality Disorder, it crushed me. In the space of a few seconds, the Kerry I had known and thought I was...was a completely different girl.

At the time, I was pretty much told "You have this disorder", (gee..thanks), but I wasn't told what it was or what the symptoms were, or even how to manage it.

For inspiration I looked on Amazon to see what books I could find on what it was all about and how to cope with the condition. 

BIG mistake. 

To my devastation I came across books such as "Splitting - Protecting yourself while Divorcing someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder", "My toxic BPD Mother - 'A shattered Childhood'", or "Surviving a Borderline Parent", and probably the worst of all, "Borderline personality disorder, How to spot it - a checklist" written by an FBI special agent. The product description ends "Practical, fast, easy to read...this guide sheds light on a disorder that afflicts many, with serious consequences for the rest of us"..

Well excuse me while I go and find my axe for my morning spree.

I cried when I saw those books. What sort of person was I? Did people really think I was like this? I hid in my flat for weeks while I tried to process what I had read. It totally destroyed my confidence, and paranoia set in big time. I somehow felt I was a defective person, and that is still carried with me today.

The name "Borderline Personality Disorder" is misleading - Go to Wikipedia, punch it in and you'll get a rather hefty explanation of the whole BPD thing. It gives you the facts as they are, but written in a sensitive manner whilst addressing the stigma, myths and background surrounding the name of the diagnosis.

(Manipulation and Attention Seeking Behaviours will be covered in a later post).

BPD has a huge criteria and believe it or not, there are 256 combinations that would land you with a diagnosis. I have the DSM IV-TR sitting in my bookcase in the hall, and once for a laugh, I flipped through all of the personality disorders. I spent the entire time going "That's me..that's me...OMG, that's me...definitely me..WTF?..I have ALL the personality disorders in the book!..."

I think most of us would recognise aspects of ourselves in the pages of the DSM. It doesn't necessarily mean you have any of those things...it just means you're human. All of us have traits in our makeup that we're less than happy with..

I hate the term "Borderline Personality Disorder". Personally I prefer "Emotion Dysregulation Disorder" because that's what I have. When you get past all the stigma and pare it down to the bare bones, it just means I have a problem with controlling my emotions sometimes. That's it...No questionable personality..no morning rampages with my axe..no stalking sprees..

Once I had got over the initial shock and found out what it was all about, a light went on in my head. It described me very well and explained so many things that were a bit 'off' in my life which I didn't have any answers for. It was a huge relief and I was able to lump all these things together and store them away in my mind. 

As time went on though, anything that went wrong in my life or relationships I blamed on the disorder and I was very passive about doing anything to sort the situation. 

For a while, I even shunned the diagnosis altogether because the stigma of it got me very paranoid. I felt much better after that, and more like a 'real' person. But underneath I knew it was still there, lurking in the undergrowth waiting to be dealt with. 

There is a debate amongst doctors whether the patient should even be told at all. There is concern the sufferer may react badly to the stigma of such a diagnosis and having a Personality Disorder foisted upon them. I can relate to this. But despite all the anguish it caused, I'm glad I was told. It explained a lot that was going on, and now I know what the problem is, I can do my very best to put things right.

So what does an iffy BPD diagnosis mean for me?

Impulsivity: In the early years my diagnosis, impulsivity was a much bigger problem than it is now. 

In the past this included suicide attempts, self-harm episodes, overspending or bulimic binges, and buggering off somewhere when things got too much. 

Now it tends to mean ordering in a pizza when I can't be bothered cooking and not telling my boyfriend, or buying a dress or two in the sale when I hadn't planned to spend any money. Yes, I still feel the need to bugger off sometimes, but now I talk it through with folk before I go.

Of course, being with someone makes the impulsive side of things more difficult, and I think some of my impulsiveness was due to my single life, (I had lived on my own for 10 years before I met my boyfriend and very used to my own ways).. I have to think twice now before I do anything..which is maybe a good thing!

Almost all of the impulsive behaviours were because I felt myself to be in an emotional situation that I didn't know how to deal with, and these brought some temporary relief.

Intense and rapidly changing Emotions: This is something that challenges me day to day, but is improving as time goes on. People in my circle do find it baffling - I can be in the depths of despair thinking This is the End, yet once the conflict has been resolved, I can be back to my usual self very quickly.

Sometimes I overreact to things and feel things for longer and more deeply, whereas in the same situation, the average person would just feel a mild twang.

Fear of Abandonment: This is in the criteria but not entirely accurate for me - I don't fear abandonment, I expect it.

Fear of Rejection: This is getting better as time goes on, but it used to bother me a lot... Everyone wants to be liked..don't they? 

Now I can see that I don't always take to everyone I meet, so why should I expect others to? Everyone is different and has different tastes. I try not to give a stuff about whether someone likes me or not..but sometimes it's difficult if I'm feeling a bit low for whatever reason.

Sensitivity: I am very sensitive to the way others treat me.*  I'm always being told I'm far too sensitive, which drives me mad. This is a lot better than it used to be, and back then, God help you if you had done something to cross me! Now I know that other people have their own battles and journeys and my being hurt was not always intentional...Just me being over-sensitive again!

*This is a tricky one though.. People with BPD have very high standards in how they treat people. They are often very kind and caring and go to great lengths to make sure others are comfortable and happy. The downside is that we expect the same in return, and when it doesn't happen, it's a bit of a blow and can cause a lot of anguish.

Poor Sense of Self: I think this, and not knowing my path and place in the world are the biggest problems I face in my life. It's not necessarily solely related to BPD - I believe there are other things in my life that contribute to this. 

I also get bored very easily and find it hard to stick to things once I lose interest. I'm unable to see the long term, and sometimes feel a bit trapped if anything like that comes up. This is something I am currently working on.

Several people I know of my generation would tell you they have no idea of what they want to do, or where they are heading or who they are, and that commitment scares them. None of them have mental health issues.

Black and White thinking: Guilty! This happens when I feel stressed or backed in to a corner and I can only think Black or White and forget to look for the Grey. People close to me have told me that my voice tone changes when I'm in this state of mind. I've never noticed it myself!

Chronic feelings of emptiness and loneliness: Even when I'm with people, I can sometimes feel desperately lonely. It's a hard one to describe..most people (myself included) find it very difficult to understand.

The feelings are usually more noticeable in the evenings.

Sensory Overload: Apart from my dodgy hearing, my senses are very acute. I've read that many BPD sufferers have faster visual perception and sensory reactions than the average person.

It's exhausting at times, and simple things like shopping in a busy mall, too much information to absorb, or too loud a film with subtitles at the cinema can be overwhelming. I used to feel really silly because a day at the shops totally knackered me for some unknown reason. Since then, I've met others who experience the same and I don't feel as bad about it.

This overload can lead to:

Dissociation: When things get too much, I just zone out and shut down completely. I've been told my facial expression goes flat and I totally withdraw. 

It's not pleasant, but since taking precautions to reduce some of the stressors, thankfully it doesn't happen very often.

In the past, I've lost days to dissociative attacks.

When an attack is about to happen I start to lose concentration and focus, and can feel my eyes glazing and head clouding up. It helps if I stop and take a wee break with a cuppa, go for a walk or have a short nap.

Treatment 

Sadly, there is not much out there by ways of treatment for BPD leaving sufferers feeling let down. Talking therapies seem to have a much better outcome than medication and it's just finding the right one to suit the individual.

I tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) for a while - it aims to challenge thoughts and change negative thoughts in to positive ones. I agree with the concept behind it, but I didn't have that much success with it to be honest - if ALL of your thoughts are negative, it can be bloody exhausting and depressing to change every single one of them into a positive thought. 

I struggled by for years, despairing that I would ever be at peace with my mind. At the end of my tether, feeling desperate and totally disillusioned by the National Health Service, I decided to go to a private therapist. I wish I had gone to him years ago. 

He gave me the tools to find the inner peace I was looking for. He made me realise that I'm just an ordinary person with troubles, not some dangerous person waiting to strike at her next unsuspecting victim without any warning, destined for the state hospital forevermore, Amen. 

It costs..but it is worth it. An investment for the future..

For me, Mindfulness Meditation has produced the most dramatic results in dealing with this condition. It has calmed my inner chatter and I feel more balanced within myself. I am able to cope with people and situations without overreacting in the way I might once have.

I hope this, along with grounding myself will lead me to discover my Sense of Self and Purpose that I lack.   

Out of all the BPD sufferers I have met over the years, no two have been alike. What I did find fascinating was that they were probably the nicest and most interesting people I have ever met. Vivacious, quirky, magnetic, and very kind and compassionate. Not the monsters made out by those books from Amazon..

Having a BPD diagnosis isn't a death sentence. There's hope for me yet, and the prognosis is good. There's a very good chance that I will not meet the criteria several years down the line.

It isn't all bad y'know!  It can be wonderful at times. Those intense emotions? It's not just the bad ones I'm stuck with. All the good emotions..happiness, joy, pleasure, compassion, love and excitement and so on.. I feel them much more than the average person. And all those amazing feelings make up for the crappy things a personality disorder can bring.. 

The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #007

If I were to go by insurance costs in the United States, the cost of my ECT sessions alone would have been anywhere between $50,700 - $422,500 depending on the state and hospital.

The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #006

I was always rather crap at absconding from hospital. Being weak from anorexia, my legs usually gave way by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs!

After a big kerfuffle, alarm bells going, staff racing, I was then carted back up the stairs like a coffin, kicking and screaming and feeling rather foolish by my pathetic attempt.

Others on the ward had more success, often spending considerable time concocting elaborate plans and going in to partnership with each other to fool the staff.

I never did find out their secret!

Does volunteering have a downside?

Volunteering is an amazing thing. It gives you the opportunity to gain experience, meet new people, build up gaps on your CV, travel the world and more.

Over the years I've gained valuable experience doing things ranging from gardening, work in a care home, charity shop, music with children, advocacy on psychiatric wards, café/waitressing work, companionship, choir warden, various committees and boards, altar server, mental health peer support, modelling (fashion/cosmetic, not clay!), woodwork and upholstery, film work, and quite possibly the worst and most tedious of all, admin duties.

I've met a lot of people, had a lot of laughs, and started a process of elimination of the jobs I now know I could never do. Take café, restaurant or bar work for example..with my hearing and memory, you can imagine that's pretty much a non-starter. Admin work? Don't get me started on that!

But does volunteering have a downside?

Lately I've been mulling this over..and If you'd asked me this a year ago, I would've said "No" very emphatically. But recently I've started to feel rather discontented about the whole thing. 

Don't get me wrong..I still go by all that I've said above, but one risk with volunteering is that you don't get enough time time off. A while ago I was in a situation where the paid workers would take their holidays but the volunteers still had to turn up and do their work. Of course, I could have said I would be taking 'such 'n such' off, but because I've never really worked, or not for very long, I didn't know to ask for time off in the first place. (Yeah, rather daft I know). The organisation didn't really care - all that mattered was the work was being done. This situation went on year after year without a break and led to burnout on occasion. I now know better!

I'm also starting to get to a point in my life where I'm rather weary of doing something for nothing. I have been volunteering for so long now, it feels alien for me to accept money for doing something, and worse still, I don't feel good enough to accept money for doing a job - my time feels worthless because I've never really been paid for it.

Many, many people are happy to volunteer for years without having a problem with it, and that's great! But I feel the longer I stay out of the workforce, the harder it will be to get back in it again.

Then there is the detrimental effect on confidence and self-worth that unemployment can bring..

This year I feel a change in the wind...a new start.

To be continued..

Kerry.