Happy New Year!

Hi Guys!
A belated "Happy New Year" from Scotland!

I don't know about you, but I am glad to see the back of 2014. 

Here's to 2015! I have a feeling it's going to be a good one.

Best wishes to you all.

Kerry.

Why do I have two names?

If you've followed my blog from the early days, you'll notice that I started off with the name "Kip Mack" and ended with "Kerry M".
Why?

When I first started out, I wasn't sure how my posts would be taken or if I would receive any abuse as a result of them. At the time, it was much easier to protect myself with a semi-pseudonym. (Actually my nickname is Kip, and the Mack is a shorter version of my surname.)
Also, I come from a rather reserved family who would probably be mortified to know that I write a mental health blog. Those sorts of things are just not spoken about. I believe in getting mental health out in to the open and I have always been very honest and open about the past.

As time went on, the pseudonym made me feel that my blog wasn't mine and I began to feel disconnected from it. At one point I considered deleting the whole thing because it didn't feel like it belonged to me
. 
The abuse I had anticipated never happened (as yet), so I decided to take the plunge and use my own name. It was a big relief and I felt I could be freer in what I wrote.

Ironically, when I first started my blog, I told a lot of people I knew about it despite being anon, but these days I don't tell anyone about it. Weird huh?

So that's the story of my two names!

Kerry:)

'Episodes from the Borderline' is now on Twitter!

Follow me on @epborder 

Kerry:)

Mirtazapine Withdrawal - 2 Years on.

Hi Guys,
This past week saw 2 years since I came off Mirtazapine.
It's still hard to believe, but also it seems such a long time ago - I'm forgetting what it was like to be on psychiatric drugs.

I don't regret coming off the medication. But it hasn't been easy. What reassures me is that I've not been any better (or worse) than when I was on the drug, but I don't get all the crappy side effects that come with taking it..

However, the last few months have been pretty bad...a combination of surgery, complications after the surgery, an unsuccessful job hunt and of course, the descent in to the dark winter days hasn't helped either. 

My sleep never got quite sorted out after the withdrawal, so 2 years on, I still find myself waking in the wee small hours racked with anxiety, tossing and turning. I have family members the same way so maybe it's just something I've got to live with.

I'm currently focussing on my fitness in the hope it'll combat the depression that's been hanging around, and in a couple of weeks' time, I fly off to Egypt for lots of sun, sea and flumes. Cant wait!

Send lots of positive vibes my way!

Kerry x 

Back to work diaries #008 - Job hunt back on!

So, the job hunt is back on! It's been nearly three months since my surgery and if I don't get back out there soon, I'll go mad!

Physically it'll be a challenge when I start working again...I'll probably be sleeping most of the time when I get home at night, but that's only temporary! Back to the gym methinks!
I've seen several things that catch my fancy..still admin type things, but in more unusual settings...more interesting that your usual admin role..

My main worry is the interview...not my strongest point, and if you have as many gaps in your CV as I do, it can get a bit awkward..
The last interview I had, they mentioned the gaps (which I thought was rather cheeky actually!) and I stumbled and fudged my way through my answers. I tried to explain the gaps in the best light I could, (for example, things like makeup model, starring in a film, and working in a care home are not that relevant to a admin role), but I still felt I was hiding my past.

The thing is, I now see my past as an advantage, but I can't exactly say to a prospective employer, "Oh yeah, 10 years off work with severe depression and anorexia/bulimia, but I'm okay now!"
How much is it safe to reveal, if anything, and what do you say when the awkward questions come?

Then there's the concentration issue...the blank mind and zoning out in the interview! It doesn't look good if you're seen, eyes glazing over and looking drugged... I have a herbal concoction that I sniff, and coupled with a strong cup of tea which sometimes help, but it's a hit or miss kind of thing..

I'm getting support with the interview side of things, and I hope as time goes on, I'll get better at thinking on my feet.

I know I can do a job, and do it well. It's just getting over that first hurdle.

It's okay not to go back.

Have you ever had a food that you loved as a kid but you ate so much of it that you can't bear to eat it ever again?

That's me. Although it's not food I'm talking about, it's music.

I've always been very musical. As a wee girl at the age of 5, I'd be composing my own tunes and picking up songs off the radio and recreating them on my keyboard. Nobody taught me how to do it...it just happened naturally. Any instrument I came in to contact with, it seemed to come together under my fingers. It just felt...right.

It's not surprising that years later I went on to study classical music at university and spent most of my free time attending concerts and going to choir/band/orchestra/conducting practise.. It was my whole life and I loved it! It wasn't an easy life though. I had constant back troubles from playing my instrument for hours every day, I never seemed to have enough time in the day to fit all my practise in and I found the pressure of frequent concerts, performance classes and exams a bit too much sometimes.

As time went on, I began to question if I was on the right path and felt I had hit a dead end. Somehow I seemed to have run out of talent..it's the only way I can describe it. I lost form rapidly and by the end of my final year everything collapsed.
The pursuit of perfection was impossible and eventually I burnt out. I felt sickened, embarrassed and somehow that I had failed. Recovering in hospital afterwards I couldn't bear to listen to classical music. It reminded me of everything I had lost. I didn't want anything more to do with music.

What led up to the breakdown was never investigated, although a doctor rather stupidly told me it was music that had caused all my problems... I believe it was far more complicated than that - many things contributed, a lot of which I wasn't able to comprehend until much later. 

That was nearly 15 years ago, and I still find the whole 'music thing' incredibly painful.
I picked up a church anthem book the other day, and it felt like I had come home. This was the real me...I revelled in the melodies and harmonies and the memories I had in singing them, but then I shut the book as I was starting to get uneasy...even just writing about it makes my throat burn and my eyes sting..

Is it possible to go back after burnout? I've tried once or twice in the past and I could feel myself going down the old perfectionist route again.
Is it possible I could retrain my thought patterns to not have all the old negative associations? I probably could, but it would take years and years of hard work.
It's not just all the painful stuff going on from the past, but music isn't to me what it once was.. It's just not fun any more and I get very little pleasure from it.

I've been tortured by feelings for a long time that I ought to go back because it's a shame to waste my gift, but do I really want to go back? Hum...well, if I'm totally honest, No. (Remember that food you once loved as a kid but are repulsed by it now?)

I very rarely tell people about my musical past. In days gone by when I mentioned it, I was usually asked to give a demo... Come on! Play us a wee tune or Sing us a song. After telling them I hadn't played in a long time and very rusty and probably not very good either, I got all the crap about being too modest etc etc... (There are only so many ways you can graciously refuse before you snap and say something rude!) In the beginning I did occasionally oblige them, and then came the inevitable "Oh....I see, yes, you are out of practise" (Well I did tell you I was didn't I?!) 
These days it's much easier not to say anything at all.

I do feel rather sad about the whole music thing though...it seems a shame to let that ability go to waste. All the stuff I'm doing now? Somehow it doesn't feel quite right.
Have you ever heard someone 'coming out' for the first time and describing how they've found a part of themselves that seemed to be missing?
In a way, I feel the same.. There's this whole side of me, the musical side, that I have been suppressing all these years..

But maybe its okay not to go back. I read something on the topic a few days ago, and a sentence at the end jumped out at me which said that it was okay to give myself permission to quit. It helped put the "should I, shouldn't I" debate to rest.

It's okay to just shut that book and move on. There are some parts of music I feel fine with, like composing, analysing and making up rude lyrics to well-known songs, and I'll still dabble with those from time to time, but I can't deny music was a huge part of my life.

Giving myself Permission to Quit music makes me feel at ease with the past. I used to call myself a 'Failed Musician', but many people have left music and never gone back. I may go back one day, or I may not, but I will stop beating myself up about it.

I'm an 'All or Nothing' type of person and often have 'little burnouts' where I jump enthusiastically into a project and end up dropping it a few weeks later having exhausted that enthusiasm. 
One of the biggest lessons I'm learning is to care a little less about what I'm doing and not taking the whole thing so seriously.

A little step back..

Hi there, 
Just to let you know I will be taking a little step back from blogging, and instead of posting every week, I'll be hoping to post every second week or so. 

Sometimes this chatty girl just runs out of things to say - never thought I'd hear myself saying that! Scandalous for a Scottish lass!!

Hope to see you soon!