Institutionalisation and some rambling stuff..

Imagine you are in a situation for months, or even years where you have to ask to take a bath or use a hair dryer, shave your legs or underarms, watched when you take a shower or have a pee or eat.. or ordered to be weighed in your underwear, ask permission to go to the shop or outside..it's days since you've been outside and due to low staffing levels there's a very slim chance you'll get to go out today.. 

A world where all your basic rights as a person are taken from you, leaving you infantilised and making it very difficult to break free.

Welcome to the psychiatric ward.

Often I had stays in hospital that lasted well over a year and after 20+ admissions I came to see it as my home.. It's quite sad when I think about it now..that girl, dismissed as a diagnosis who was not allowed to make any decisions for herself or have any opinions or say into how or why she was treated.. That girl who saw things in hospital that never should have happened but was powerless to do anything about it, because any complaints were brushed off as delusions or disruptiveness...then dosed up accordingly by yet more medication to make her more compliant..

As time went on, the outside world became a distant place as you became used to the rhythms and routines of the hospital until eventually, the prospect of life outside was unimaginable and terrifying.

You would think I was describing an institution from decades ago, but sadly no..

If you're new to the system, it can be very frightening to see someone attempt to do a runner off the ward, triggering alarm bells and then carted back in a brutal fashion if they are caught, or if they are not caught, brought back to the ward in handcuffs escorted courtesy of Police Scotland. Sometimes though, they never come back and you hear much later on that they are no more.. 

Sadly these scenes become normal quite quickly..but seeing someone go berserk..being restrained by 4 or 5 members of staff and injected on the spot is traumatising however often it happens and very hard to forget.. Rarely you are given a debrief about what you have just witnessed.

I attempted many a runner in my time and I think even the healthiest and sanest of people would do so if they were cooped up for days on end with no fresh air or exercise, doped up on medication that you knew had a bad effect on you..

What the staff didn't seem to understand was that they got to go home after their shift and chill out with their friends and families or in the great outdoors. We never got to do that. We never got that break we so desperately needed. 

Once it all got too much and I was restrained after I turned violent towards a member of staff. I deeply regret it now, but at the time I was like a caged wild animal in Fight or Flight mode...

I was pinned face-down on the floor by 3 or 4 nurses who'd been summoned by alarm bells. Despite the struggle I put up, I couldn't move and it was difficult to breathe.. It was pretty traumatic for everyone involved. 

THE LASTING EFFECTS OF INSTITUTIONALISATION.

I am not institutionalised now, but some of the negative effects still echo in me.

• I developed claustrophobia after being restrained all those years ago. If I'm stuck in a crowd I bolt and if I can't, I can end up having a panic attack. Shopping in the city-centre is usually done as soon as the shops are open before it gets busy (or on-line). 
• Sometimes I still catch myself saying "Is it okay if I _____?" and getting very odd looks in the process!
• I'm submissive and have a fear of authority. The power doctors have is frightening. They can medicate you, shock you and section you against your will. You have no voice and you get used to all your decisions being made by others.

It's getting a bit better, but I often feel unable to speak out and voice my own opinion or confront someone when I know they are being unfair. Sometimes I have plucked up the courage and it's been okay, but on other occasions my point of view was dismissed immediately because they saw me as "unstable, with mental health issues". (It didn't matter that everyone else in the room felt the same way). It discourages me from speaking out more.

I always make a point of being open about my mental health..I want to open doors, banish stigma and get people educated that I'm not some axe-murderer waiting to strike..that I'm just like everyone else, with thoughts, ideas, opinions and feelings.. Sometimes it's to my cost and is manipulated by people.

It shouldn't be this way, but a person with mental health issues still tends to be treated like a second class citizen...that's my experience anyway..

CLOSURE.

For many years after my last discharge, I couldn't go near the hospital without retching.

Closure came for me when a friend asked me to get involved in collective advocacy at the hospital. The aim was to give patients a voice, heard by people who knew what they were going through, and also to extinguish the "Them and Us" that exists between staff and patients.

It really helped. I was going to the hospital several days a week that had nothing to do with appointments or treatment. I was there working and helping others through my own experiences and I came to see the hospital in a different light..a workplace rather than the home I once had.

I also participated in meetings with doctors and nurses (some of whom had treated me) which was extremely uncomfortable to begin with, but we were all treated as equals and called each other by first names. We were there to do a job and for the first time, my ideas and opinions were taken seriously and my perspective was seen as extremely valuable. It was very liberating!

Eventually I came to see psychiatrists in a different light too. They are just normal human beings who have a very frustrating job with very limited resources. Of course, there are exceptions I've come across who possess what a friend so beautifully calls, a "God Complex" who are not interested in building bridges or really listening to the patient.

During my time on the ward, advocacy was still in its infancy and the ward staff were very suspicious of it. Fast forward a few years and things are so much better. Patients have more of a voice now and it's very reassuring knowing that someone is on your side helping you with things you may not have had the strength or courage to do alone.

The vision for the future is care in the community. These days it's much harder to get admitted to hospital and stays are shorter. There are pros and cons to this which are probably a whole blog post in themselves which I won't go in to right now!

The hope is to eradicate institutionalisation and lengthy hospital stays and keep people functioning in the community and in their own homes.

In principle it's a good idea, but there's a long way to go and many many issues to iron out before I see it working efficiently.  

The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #10

In my early anorexia days, a doctor told me I didn't have the self-control to be the restricting type.
Of course, me being me, said "F*** you, I'm going to prove you wrong!" and set to it with renewed determination. 

Turns out he was right, and after about a month of no food, bulimia kicked in big time.

Given the competitive nature of anorexics, I've always thought this was a pretty stupid thing to say!

Back to work diaries #006 - A reflection.

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

I wanted to apologise for the last post I wrote - the Back to work diaries #005 - Square peg in a Round Hole?
When I read it back, I thought, My God..this is so negative..I shouldn't have published it.. 
I make a point of keeping my blog as positive as I can, and given the subject matter it's not always easy, but I think I've done quite a good job!

When I reviewed this diary entry a few days later, I felt I looked like a spoilt brat going in to a strop or something! I was just about to press the delete button when something stopped me.

When I write a blog post, a great deal of time and effort goes in to each post. Sometimes a post can take months and several drafts, or a complete overhaul in some cases. But the Back to work diaries are different from my other posts. They are exactly what they say they are - diaries. These posts are not crafted. I write them down just as they come into my head. They chart my journey back to employment and all the highs and lows that come with this.

In the end I decided not to scrap my post. Yeah, it's not the most positive entry in the history of blogging, but it's how I was feeling on the day...

10,000 page views!

A huge THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. Today I hit 10,000 page views in over 85 countries!

Thanks again - it's you guys who spur me on to write more!

Kerry x
P.S Contrary to what those around me might say, the 5000+ hits from the UK are NOT by me!  (Well..some of them might be..)

Back to work diaries #005 - Square Peg in a Round Hole?

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

I hated school. I mean, I really hated it. I felt trapped in a horrible system where I never fitted in and somehow felt very different from all the other students. I resented teachers telling me what to do when I didn't want to do it, or having to sit tests on subjects that I had absolutely no interest in. Once I lost interest that was it for me.

I think possibly a Montessori or Steiner school may have suited me better...

And now I find myself in the same situation in the world of work and I feel very very low and discouraged.

At the moment I'm doing a temp job and while I enjoy the front of house side, the admin side is making me lose the will to live. I've always had trouble with admin. I just find it so boring and tedious and somehow I just can't seem to crank my brain into gear and just do it.

I've tried self-bribery, 'Okay Kerry, if you do 5 more rows on the database, I'll treat you to a nice chai latte.' (Kerry then goes and gets the chai latte without doing the 5 rows..)

I've tried the mindfulness approach..'Hmm..those computer keys feel like scrabble pieces under my fingers..that computer screen is so bright..concentrate..keep calm..keep calm..breathe..that breeze coming in through the window reminds me of being outside..ooh..I really want to be outside right now playing with those cute dogs...'

I've tried the 'Just fucking well get down and bloody do it' approach..
This is probably the least productive method and my brain just tends to zone out...dissociation I guess..

I hate that I'm like this. It makes me feel weak, lazy and if I'm honest, a total failure.

I have great admiration for those who can stay in jobs they hate for years and they still have the will to get up every morning and go to work.

Me? If I find myself in a situation I don't like, I begin to feel trapped, then I shut down and start to become ill.

Like those awful days at school, I feel I just don't fit in..not just the office or another work environment, but somehow I feel I don't fit in in the world....

I don't think I'd ever have the motivation or the guts, but y'know what I really fancy doing? I want to work for myself. I want to choose the hours and the pace that I work. For years I've contemplated writing a book and becoming a mental health/recovery/inspirational speaker. I don't know..it's all a bit scary..I don't know if what I have to say is interesting enough..
But what I do know is that the admin side of things isn't for me. I just don't have the mindset or temperament for it. 

Oh, I know there's bits in every job that are shitty and everyone hates, and for me that's answering the telephone. Will my hearing let me down and produce some funny howlers? Will I be able to answer the question properly?... But admin I despise intensely and resist doing, but don't know why.

Maybe there's a few lessons to be learned in there about tolerance and perseverance in the workplace...or if I feel I don't fit in, maybe it's because I actually don't and a 'regular' job wouldn't suit me? I'm a people person and arty and creative. I have a brain and I want to use it!
Maybe there's something very unusual out there for me that only I can do but haven't discovered yet?

I guess it's back to the drawing board for a rethink and coming up with a plan 'B'.. There's lots more out there waiting for me to try!

I one hundred percent identify with this Quote:

"Square peg in a round hole" is an idiomatic expression which describes the unusual individualist who could not fit into a niche of his or her society.
Wallace, Irving (1957) The square pegs: Some Americans who Dared to be Different, p.10.

Back to work diaries #004 - A huge lesson..

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

Yesterday I learned a very important lesson - Never take a huge gulp of tea whilst working on reception.

It was a quiet afternoon at the desk..painfully quiet..no callers or inflow of people to be signed in, so I thought Aha! - a nice cup of Earl Grey will go down just fine!

I got my tea, quite chuffed that I'd managed to bag my favourite mug from the office collection and sat down to resume my work.

I took a huge swig of tea. Of course, the phone decided to ring at that precise moment having been silent for the past 3 hours.. I nearly spat out my tea in shock, then started choking (the phone is still ringing by the way) and just managed to press the 'ignore' button before I sorted myself out.

I spent the rest of the afternoon pissing myself laughing every time I thought about it, and very glad nobody had witnessed my rather embarrassing incident.. 

BPD - Manipulation and Attention seeking.

Attention-seeking and manipulation 

This is a follow-on from my post An Episode from the Borderline -  Life with BPD.

BPD has a terrible reputation and stigma attached to it with regards to attention-seeking and manipulative behaviours in sufferers. There may be some who are like this, just as some everyday ordinary people are like this, but I've never encountered manipulative behaviour in the BPD sufferers I have met.

These are uncomfortable topics for me. I have been accused of both in the past and it really hurt. It's hard to admit, but to a certain extent the attention-seeking bit was true. It wasn't the "Hey, I'm so brilliant, look at me!" attention-seeking. It was the "Help, I'm in such desperate pain, nobody can help me, I don't know what to do and nothing is working.." 

Very different.

I hated it and I despised myself when I felt myself slipping in to it. 

It left a lasting negative impact on my confidence. 
Any triumphs, achievements, illnesses, successes etc, I now play down for fear of being labeled it again. 

I would disagree on the Manipulation one though. Manipulation requires a degree of cunning and planning and I'm just not capable of that mentally.

It is possible that whatever I was supposed to have done at the time was interpreted this way by someone inexperienced or uninformed or who didn't give a stuff, but unless I ask them, I guess I'll never know..

When I see others display attention-seeking behaviours. Instead of being quick to label, I look beyond their actions and ask myself, "What in their lives are they lacking that they feel the need for more attention?", and "Are they being neglected? Abused? Ridiculed? Criticised or bullied? Are they lonely or starved of love and affection?"

Somebody who has all their basic needs met, does not feel the need to act in this way. 

Maybe the person in question feels they can't ask for what they need - they might see it as a weakness to ask. Whatever has brought them to these behaviours is a desperate cry for help.

A baby cries when it wants something. It's natural and instinctive, but over time it is conditioned to suppress this.

We are social animals and all need attention, kindness, companionship, love, cherishing and nourishment, encouragement and support..

It's okay to want attention! Some people need more than others. I know I can be quite a needy person sometimes, and things can tumble if my basic needs aren't met..but that's just who I am.

The attention-seeking/manipulation reputation runs rampant in psychiatric hospitals....but I believe this is down to uninformed and inexperienced staff.

The BPD diagnosis itself comes with such a stigma..it's automatically assumed that you are going to be a non-compliant, troublesome patient if they see this in your notes.

I hope this will change..and I believe it is starting to.

In the past, I've been involved in talking to psych nursing students to banish some of that stigma and myths...it was a really positive experience, and I hope the next generation of psychiatric nurses will look beyond the diagnosis and see the person for who they are..