Hi there,
You'll probably have noticed that I've been posting less and less to my blog over the last year.
Part of this is because I've run out of things to say, but more importantly, I am currently writing my memoir and have been more focused on that than the blog. I'm hoping to have my first draft down by Christmas this year, which doesn't leave much time for anything else.
I will still be answering comments and questions if you have any - don't hesitate to get in touch and I'll get back to you when I can!
I'll be back to give you the odd progress report on the book. I'm really excited about it!! Still trying to think of a suitable name.. something that incorporates Mirtazapine withdrawal, ECT, Eating disorders etcetcetc, but I'm stuck on that one! Suggestions very welcome:)
Bye for now,
Kerry
Wednesday, 14 October 2015
Saturday, 1 August 2015
Did my past Anorexia cause my Ectopic Pregnancy?
TRIGGER WARNING - Some people may find this post upsetting.
On Monday it'll be a year since I had keyhole surgery to end an ectopic pregnancy. I can't believe it's been a year since the op. Months ago I wondered how I'd feel around this time...the whole thing was pretty traumatic. Would I feel sad about the little one we lost? Would I get depressed? Would I get broody? Would I feel the guilt I felt straight after the operation that maybe my anorexia from the past was to blame, or that I wasn't fit enough?
During the aftermath I went to the internet for support and while it was very useful to see the support from women and men who had been through the same thing, I came away feeling like a bit of a freak.
Let me explain.. Having children has never been high on the priority list for me. I've never felt the 'clock ticking' my friends have described. I suffer from chronic depression and CFS and these health issues would make it extremely difficult to have the energy to bring up a child well.
There are a whole host of other reasons why, and I won't go in to them, but I made the decision a long time ago that having children was not for me.
My periods have always been dodgy and since getting an IUD nearly 4 years ago they have been even dodgier than normal. They could last for weeks and were extremely painful and heavy and I frequently got brown instead of red blood. It often led to bed days loaded with painkillers and hot water bottles, and somehow I would turn in to this nasty witch the week before it was due which made me impossible to live with. They could be late by several weeks if my schedule had changed or if I was stressed.
Last April I started a new training programme and job working more hours than I'd ever worked before and I was exhausted. The job was okay but it took a lot out of my body. In light of this, it wasn't a huge surprise to me that my period was late.
Three weeks later, it eventually arrived and this time it was a browny colour. I'd had that before so I wasn't that alarmed, but what did alarm me was that it lasted for months. Each month that went by things got more and more painful. My periods were usually very sore, so I just assumed it was a more extreme reaction to my new working life, so I tried to ignore it.
You would think the normal thing would be to go to a doctor to get it checked out, but no! Not me! Having had a bad time in the psychiatric system and fed up of feeling patronised at my local GP surgery for trivial complaints, I decided I was not going in for simple period pain. Yes, this was a mistake on my part...me letting my stupid pride get in the way of my health...I cant change that now, but I've taken some very useful lessons from it.
By the time it got to the beginning of August, I was in agony. The pain was so bad I could hardly stand and was taking over 12 paracetamol and ibuprofen tablets every day. The tablets made no difference. I was breaking out in hot sweats and I felt dizzy and nauseous constantly. The blood flow had gotten weirder too. It resembled prune juice...something that had not happened before.
I called in sick several days. The job was only temporary and ended on 1st August but I struggled in on my last day to say goodbye to everyone.
The next day I could bear it no longer and phoned NHS 24. They told me to get to the emergency room immediately. Of course I decided to take the bus. On my way there the pain subsided a bit and I considered getting off at the next stop and going home. How humiliating to arrive at the emergency room be told to go home and take a hot bath to reduce my severe menstrual cramps!
I arrived at the hospital and seen right away. Tests were done and I was told I was pregnant. Most people would have a better reaction to this, but my "WHAAAT? NOOO!" firmly cemented any doubts I had about my maternal feelings. This was followed by hysterical crying...my life was over...how would I cope?..I'd just got my life back after a decade of illness in my 20s...what about all the things I still wanted to do?
Then came the news that they thought there was a good chance the pregnancy was ectopic (in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus) as the pregnancy hormone concentration in my urine was very low compared to others at three months.
They weren't able to do a scan until the next morning and I spent a very long night up on the Gynie ward contemplating the future. My partner (now husband) had been a tower of strength, reassuring me that whatever happened, we would work it out.
Just for a moment, I wondered if becoming a mother might be a blessing in disguise. Instead of seeing it as a death sentence, I began to see it as a purpose and direction in life that I had always felt lacking. Just for a moment, I wanted to prove wrong those people who said I'd never be able to cope with being a mother... If it happened, it happened.
The ultrasound scan the next morning found no baby in my uterus but on the screen they pointed out a small white shape in my right fallopian tube. Seeing that made it more real. That had been my baby. Tears stung my eyes which surprised me. I hadn't wanted this, so why was I so upset? I was wheeled back to the ward and scheduled for surgery A.S.A.P.
I've always wondered about women who claim they never knew they were pregnant. How could something so huge happen to your body and you not even know about it?
I guess I wasn't expecting to get pregnant so I wasn't looking out for it, but it did explain the cravings for huge bags of my favourite salty lentil crisps I had every day after work and the "Super Boobs" I sported for a while. I just associated the cravings and boobs with typical menstrual cravings and boobs!
In the aftermath of the operation I went through an unexpected grieving process which came with a huge amount of guilt that my former anorexia may have caused all this. During my illness, I had gone without monthly periods for over 8 years which I had seen as a bonus at the time, but I had been later warned that conceiving may be difficult. I wasn't intending to have children and didn't see it as a big deal. Now I was being punished for my former anorexia.
I felt guilty for a long time and it wasn't until later I learned that ectopic pregnancies are very common (about 1 in 80).
They can have many causes including; being over 35, having an IUD, being a smoker, STD's, oddly shaped fallopian tubes and more. Sometimes there is no reason whatsoever and sadly it just happens.
When I was going through the grieving process I looked on the ectopic.org website. It is a really great organisation with a lot of useful information, but at the time I felt it was geared towards women who wanted children or knew they were pregnant and were excited to be welcoming a child in to their lives. Many had shared their painful stories of devastation at the loss of their baby. Nobody really mentioned relief that the pregnancy had ended. That is why I felt like such a freak.
A year on, I still feel relief, but I also feel a bit sad. Writing this post was harder than I expected and the tears now rolling down my face have surprised me. If the baby had survived to full term, it would have been born mid-February and now I'd be knee deep in dirty nappies and piles of laundry, going gaga with no sleep!
I made a huge mistake in not getting to a doctor sooner and the experience was a huge wake up call with regards to my levels of fitness. I still don't know what caused my ectopic pregnancy and the risk of my having another is high. Now I know what to look out for.
I'm grateful to have had the experience though, and every year on 3rd August I'll take a moment to remember what might have been.
On Monday it'll be a year since I had keyhole surgery to end an ectopic pregnancy. I can't believe it's been a year since the op. Months ago I wondered how I'd feel around this time...the whole thing was pretty traumatic. Would I feel sad about the little one we lost? Would I get depressed? Would I get broody? Would I feel the guilt I felt straight after the operation that maybe my anorexia from the past was to blame, or that I wasn't fit enough?
During the aftermath I went to the internet for support and while it was very useful to see the support from women and men who had been through the same thing, I came away feeling like a bit of a freak.
Let me explain.. Having children has never been high on the priority list for me. I've never felt the 'clock ticking' my friends have described. I suffer from chronic depression and CFS and these health issues would make it extremely difficult to have the energy to bring up a child well.
There are a whole host of other reasons why, and I won't go in to them, but I made the decision a long time ago that having children was not for me.
My periods have always been dodgy and since getting an IUD nearly 4 years ago they have been even dodgier than normal. They could last for weeks and were extremely painful and heavy and I frequently got brown instead of red blood. It often led to bed days loaded with painkillers and hot water bottles, and somehow I would turn in to this nasty witch the week before it was due which made me impossible to live with. They could be late by several weeks if my schedule had changed or if I was stressed.
Last April I started a new training programme and job working more hours than I'd ever worked before and I was exhausted. The job was okay but it took a lot out of my body. In light of this, it wasn't a huge surprise to me that my period was late.
Three weeks later, it eventually arrived and this time it was a browny colour. I'd had that before so I wasn't that alarmed, but what did alarm me was that it lasted for months. Each month that went by things got more and more painful. My periods were usually very sore, so I just assumed it was a more extreme reaction to my new working life, so I tried to ignore it.
You would think the normal thing would be to go to a doctor to get it checked out, but no! Not me! Having had a bad time in the psychiatric system and fed up of feeling patronised at my local GP surgery for trivial complaints, I decided I was not going in for simple period pain. Yes, this was a mistake on my part...me letting my stupid pride get in the way of my health...I cant change that now, but I've taken some very useful lessons from it.
By the time it got to the beginning of August, I was in agony. The pain was so bad I could hardly stand and was taking over 12 paracetamol and ibuprofen tablets every day. The tablets made no difference. I was breaking out in hot sweats and I felt dizzy and nauseous constantly. The blood flow had gotten weirder too. It resembled prune juice...something that had not happened before.
I called in sick several days. The job was only temporary and ended on 1st August but I struggled in on my last day to say goodbye to everyone.
The next day I could bear it no longer and phoned NHS 24. They told me to get to the emergency room immediately. Of course I decided to take the bus. On my way there the pain subsided a bit and I considered getting off at the next stop and going home. How humiliating to arrive at the emergency room be told to go home and take a hot bath to reduce my severe menstrual cramps!
I arrived at the hospital and seen right away. Tests were done and I was told I was pregnant. Most people would have a better reaction to this, but my "WHAAAT? NOOO!" firmly cemented any doubts I had about my maternal feelings. This was followed by hysterical crying...my life was over...how would I cope?..I'd just got my life back after a decade of illness in my 20s...what about all the things I still wanted to do?
Then came the news that they thought there was a good chance the pregnancy was ectopic (in the fallopian tube instead of the uterus) as the pregnancy hormone concentration in my urine was very low compared to others at three months.
They weren't able to do a scan until the next morning and I spent a very long night up on the Gynie ward contemplating the future. My partner (now husband) had been a tower of strength, reassuring me that whatever happened, we would work it out.
Just for a moment, I wondered if becoming a mother might be a blessing in disguise. Instead of seeing it as a death sentence, I began to see it as a purpose and direction in life that I had always felt lacking. Just for a moment, I wanted to prove wrong those people who said I'd never be able to cope with being a mother... If it happened, it happened.
The ultrasound scan the next morning found no baby in my uterus but on the screen they pointed out a small white shape in my right fallopian tube. Seeing that made it more real. That had been my baby. Tears stung my eyes which surprised me. I hadn't wanted this, so why was I so upset? I was wheeled back to the ward and scheduled for surgery A.S.A.P.
I've always wondered about women who claim they never knew they were pregnant. How could something so huge happen to your body and you not even know about it?
I guess I wasn't expecting to get pregnant so I wasn't looking out for it, but it did explain the cravings for huge bags of my favourite salty lentil crisps I had every day after work and the "Super Boobs" I sported for a while. I just associated the cravings and boobs with typical menstrual cravings and boobs!
In the aftermath of the operation I went through an unexpected grieving process which came with a huge amount of guilt that my former anorexia may have caused all this. During my illness, I had gone without monthly periods for over 8 years which I had seen as a bonus at the time, but I had been later warned that conceiving may be difficult. I wasn't intending to have children and didn't see it as a big deal. Now I was being punished for my former anorexia.
I felt guilty for a long time and it wasn't until later I learned that ectopic pregnancies are very common (about 1 in 80).
They can have many causes including; being over 35, having an IUD, being a smoker, STD's, oddly shaped fallopian tubes and more. Sometimes there is no reason whatsoever and sadly it just happens.
When I was going through the grieving process I looked on the ectopic.org website. It is a really great organisation with a lot of useful information, but at the time I felt it was geared towards women who wanted children or knew they were pregnant and were excited to be welcoming a child in to their lives. Many had shared their painful stories of devastation at the loss of their baby. Nobody really mentioned relief that the pregnancy had ended. That is why I felt like such a freak.
A year on, I still feel relief, but I also feel a bit sad. Writing this post was harder than I expected and the tears now rolling down my face have surprised me. If the baby had survived to full term, it would have been born mid-February and now I'd be knee deep in dirty nappies and piles of laundry, going gaga with no sleep!
I made a huge mistake in not getting to a doctor sooner and the experience was a huge wake up call with regards to my levels of fitness. I still don't know what caused my ectopic pregnancy and the risk of my having another is high. Now I know what to look out for.
I'm grateful to have had the experience though, and every year on 3rd August I'll take a moment to remember what might have been.
Saturday, 11 July 2015
I NEED YOUR INPUT!
It's been far too long since I posted anything and I feel rather guilty for neglecting my poor blog.
Over the last year I have been toying back and forth with the idea of writing a memoir.
A few months ago I decided to go for it and have knuckled down (hence the lack of activity on my blog). What I didn't expect, however, was to come across a few issues that have slowed down the writing process a lot, and this is where you come in.
To me, my story is as boring as waiting for a pan of water to boil. It's all normal for me and I forget that other people might find some of this interesting.
So, if a few years down the line you were holding my book in your hands...what would you like it to contain?
Would you want to hear about my childhood, or why I believe I got Depressed and developed eating disorders?
Would you like to hear what it's like to get ECT and its after-effects?
Do you want to hear a recovery story which doesn't focus too much on the why's? Recovering from eating disorders or coming off psychiatric medication? Or do you think a mix of everything would be good?
I have an idea of the way I want to go, but I'm very interested to see what you would want to read.
Please post in the comments below or get in touch via the contact form.
Thanks!
Kerry.
Over the last year I have been toying back and forth with the idea of writing a memoir.
A few months ago I decided to go for it and have knuckled down (hence the lack of activity on my blog). What I didn't expect, however, was to come across a few issues that have slowed down the writing process a lot, and this is where you come in.
To me, my story is as boring as waiting for a pan of water to boil. It's all normal for me and I forget that other people might find some of this interesting.
So, if a few years down the line you were holding my book in your hands...what would you like it to contain?
Would you want to hear about my childhood, or why I believe I got Depressed and developed eating disorders?
Would you like to hear what it's like to get ECT and its after-effects?
Do you want to hear a recovery story which doesn't focus too much on the why's? Recovering from eating disorders or coming off psychiatric medication? Or do you think a mix of everything would be good?
I have an idea of the way I want to go, but I'm very interested to see what you would want to read.
Please post in the comments below or get in touch via the contact form.
Thanks!
Kerry.
Thursday, 30 April 2015
A Huge Thank you - 20,000 page views!
I just wanted to thank you guys for taking the time to read my blog - today I reached 20,000 page views!
Woohoo!!! I'm very happy.
Love Kerry x
Saturday, 14 March 2015
My Depression Tool Kit.
Hi Guys!
It's been far too long since I've written a blog post. I was having a cuppa with a fellow writer friend a few weeks ago and she commented that I've been rather absent and encouraged me to get writing again...
So this one's for you HC - you know who you are!
It's been far too long since I've written a blog post. I was having a cuppa with a fellow writer friend a few weeks ago and she commented that I've been rather absent and encouraged me to get writing again...
So this one's for you HC - you know who you are!
Things have not been great recently. In fact, it's been bloody awful. A crappy depression has been nipping at my heels this past winter, but into the new year it's gotten much worse.
I admit some of it is my own fault - I've not been taking care of myself as I should. The meditation has slipped and is now non-existent in my life, I've been eating more junk than usual, a wrist injury left me unable to work out and I then got lazy and didn't work out after my wrist recovered. After disastrous interviews for jobs and still no job, I've decided to quit the job hunt altogether until I work out what to do.
I think the unproductive job hunt has been the biggest blow and left me with a shattered confidence and self-esteem. I see the future as a grey haze with nothing to look forward to.
There's been lots of tears and lots of bed days where just getting up and in to the shower and dried and dressed are huge achievements in themselves.
Right now it seems like everything is hopeless and will never get better. Life will be like this forever.
But I have been in this situation countless times before, and I know that things will eventually get better. There will come a time where you don't shut yourself away or dread the day as soon as you wake up.
There is hope that the grey haze of nothing will evaporate in the sunlight and you will find yourself laughing and joking again. You are almost certain you will get the very essence of yourself back and see some sort of future for yourself. You might not know what it is yet, but you will look forward to it.
There will come a day where you will look back on this episode and just accept it for what it was; a rough patch.
When things get to this stage, I refer to a Tool Kit I devised for myself a long time ago to get me though when things seem hopeless.
Depression distorts thoughts, feelings and perceptions so much, it's hard to grasp what's real and what's not.
I hope you find it useful, but I have primarily put it on here as a reminder for myself when things seem bleak.
My Tool Kit.
- Get out of bed! This is usually the last thing I want to do when I'm going through a serious depression. I want to snuggle in my warm cave forever and shut the world out, but believe me, you will feel better having got up and dressed.
- Have a shower and brush your teeth. Often I have to really force myself to do this and I have to persuade myself every step of the way..."Well done Kerry for getting up! Why not try a nice hot shower - you know you will feel better after it.....Great job! How about brushing your teeth now...good girl!" and so on. Sometimes the whole day can be made up of these tiny bite-sized chunks, and even if I don't do anything else that day, I will achieved something rather than nothing.
- Drink at least 2 litres of water a day. Dehydration is one of those surprising contributors to depression that most people forget about. When I have bed days I forget to drink, leaving me feeling very lethargic and drowsy. When I start drinking again, it's not long before I'm feeling much better. I aim to drink 2-2.5 litres a day. Other beverages I drink include mint and camomile teas.
- Cut down or eliminate caffeine, junk food and alcohol. It's been a long time since I discovered these had a bad effect on my mental health. Caffeine makes me agitated and anxious, alcohol renders me sleepless and dehydrated. Junk food just makes me feel sluggish, clogged up and generally "meh".
- Meditate. Going by experience, meditation is the single most effective way to get my mind on track again. So why do I keep falling off the wagon? Simple. It's so easy! I find it hard to comprehend that something so simple can have such a huge positive effect on my life. I mean, come on. At least give me a few Herculean Challenges! Mindfulness meditation promotes living in the present instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Here I find the peace of mind I crave.
- Eat a healthy diet. This ties in with eating less junk, and is pretty much common sense. I supplement my diet with multivitamins if my eating has gone patchy.
- Get regular exercise. Okay, so this could be classed as one of those Herculean Challenges I mentioned earlier. Regular exercise? When I can't even get out of bed? Yeah right! When it's come to this stage, I've found simple things like jumping up and down or jogging on the spot very useful. It only has to be for 5 seconds a couple of times a day and slowly build it up when you feel more able.
- Go for a walk. This is hard, especially if you've not been outside for days or weeks. The first time is the hardest. Even if you just go to the end of your street and back, the fresh air and change of scene can be very effective.
- Affirmations. I look in to a mirror and say "Kerry, I love you". Sometimes I recoil when I say this, and feel I'm telling myself lies. I try to say it with meaning and conviction and as time goes on I find myself feeling more content in my own skin and more accepting of who I am. Other affirmations include 'I accept myself', 'I am healthy and happy', and 'My life is rich and fulfilling'. I say these over and over (and over) again, and slowly they begin to be true. The book "You can heal your life" by Louise Hay goes in to this more. It's a really great book - I highly recommend it.
- Phoning or visiting friends. I am guilty of cutting myself off from my social circle. I often believe I have no friends and nobody wants to hang around with somebody who's really depressed. But when I look at my phone, there's lots of texts from friends I haven't answered which quash the myth I am completely friendless. It's the hardest thing in the world to pick up the phone and call someone for a chat, but I find it reconnects me with the world again, leaving me feeling less alone. My friends know me well enough now to get in touch if they've not heard from me for a while.
- Keeping a Journal. This is a really useful tool. I dump all my thoughts, fears and life woes in my journal and forget about them till the next time. It's also great to look back to a time where things weren't so good and realise you came out the other end. If you've done it before, you can do it again!
- Distraction. I believe distraction is underrated in helping with depression. There's been times where I wanted to shut myself away, but have been dragged out by a friend to the cinema. What good is that going to do? It's not going to solve any problems. Then an hour later I find myself laughing at a good romcom and my spirits lifted dramatically. This leads me to believe that a lot of my black thoughts are of my own doing. It's not easy to recognise the spiralling cycle of negative thoughts, but it becomes easier to try and fix it if you are aware you fall in to this trap. Other distractions can range from reading a book, writing a blog post, listening to music whilst having a boogie round the room, playing with a pet, having a hot bath, watching a favourite movie and doing crafts.
- Be kind to yourself! I tend to be very scathing towards myself when in the midst of a depression. Those around me really hate it when I do this. I'm finding that taking care of myself and nurturing myself are a lot more productive than being harsh. Try to maintain your personal hygiene, maybe even moisturise with your favourite cream! Encourage yourself and remind yourself that things will get better. Set little goals for yourself every day and reward yourself when you achieve them, but don't be too hard on yourself if you don't.
- Smile and stand up straight! It's been proven that the chemicals in your body change if you stand up straight and smile. It instantly makes you feel better! They say that you are unable to frown and smile at the same time (although for some reason I can do both! Frowning is a family trait!) Give it a try and see if you notice a difference. :)
NOTE: If you are feeling suicidal please get in touch with a health professional or counsellor who will be able to offer help and various treatment options.
Alternatively you can contact the Samaritans branch in your area or on 08457 909090 (United Kingdom) or 1 (800) 273-TALK (United States).
All my love,
Kerry x
Friday, 2 January 2015
Happy New Year!
Hi Guys!
A belated "Happy New Year" from Scotland!
I don't know about you, but I am glad to see the back of 2014.
Here's to 2015! I have a feeling it's going to be a good one.
Best wishes to you all.
Kerry.
A belated "Happy New Year" from Scotland!
I don't know about you, but I am glad to see the back of 2014.
Here's to 2015! I have a feeling it's going to be a good one.
Best wishes to you all.
Kerry.
Saturday, 6 December 2014
Why do I have two names?
If you've followed my blog from the early days, you'll notice that I started off with the name "Kip Mack" and ended with "Kerry M".
Why?
When I first started out, I wasn't sure how my posts would be taken or if I would receive any abuse as a result of them. At the time, it was much easier to protect myself with a semi-pseudonym. (Actually my nickname is Kip, and the Mack is a shorter version of my surname.)
Also, I come from a rather reserved family who would probably be mortified to know that I write a mental health blog. Those sorts of things are just not spoken about. I believe in getting mental health out in to the open and I have always been very honest and open about the past.
As time went on, the pseudonym made me feel that my blog wasn't mine and I began to feel disconnected from it. At one point I considered deleting the whole thing because it didn't feel like it belonged to me
.
The abuse I had anticipated never happened (as yet), so I decided to take the plunge and use my own name. It was a big relief and I felt I could be freer in what I wrote.
Ironically, when I first started my blog, I told a lot of people I knew about it despite being anon, but these days I don't tell anyone about it. Weird huh?
So that's the story of my two names!
Kerry:)
Why?
When I first started out, I wasn't sure how my posts would be taken or if I would receive any abuse as a result of them. At the time, it was much easier to protect myself with a semi-pseudonym. (Actually my nickname is Kip, and the Mack is a shorter version of my surname.)
Also, I come from a rather reserved family who would probably be mortified to know that I write a mental health blog. Those sorts of things are just not spoken about. I believe in getting mental health out in to the open and I have always been very honest and open about the past.
As time went on, the pseudonym made me feel that my blog wasn't mine and I began to feel disconnected from it. At one point I considered deleting the whole thing because it didn't feel like it belonged to me
.
The abuse I had anticipated never happened (as yet), so I decided to take the plunge and use my own name. It was a big relief and I felt I could be freer in what I wrote.
Ironically, when I first started my blog, I told a lot of people I knew about it despite being anon, but these days I don't tell anyone about it. Weird huh?
So that's the story of my two names!
Kerry:)
Tuesday, 25 November 2014
Saturday, 22 November 2014
Mirtazapine Withdrawal - 2 Years on.
Hi Guys,
This past week saw 2 years since I came off Mirtazapine.
It's still hard to believe, but also it seems such a long time ago - I'm forgetting what it was like to be on psychiatric drugs.
I don't regret coming off the medication. But it hasn't been easy. What reassures me is that I've not been any better (or worse) than when I was on the drug, but I don't get all the crappy side effects that come with taking it..
However, the last few months have been pretty bad...a combination of surgery, complications after the surgery, an unsuccessful job hunt and of course, the descent in to the dark winter days hasn't helped either.
My sleep never got quite sorted out after the withdrawal, so 2 years on, I still find myself waking in the wee small hours racked with anxiety, tossing and turning. I have family members the same way so maybe it's just something I've got to live with.
I'm currently focussing on my fitness in the hope it'll combat the depression that's been hanging around, and in a couple of weeks' time, I fly off to Egypt for lots of sun, sea and flumes. Cant wait!
Send lots of positive vibes my way!
Kerry x
This past week saw 2 years since I came off Mirtazapine.
It's still hard to believe, but also it seems such a long time ago - I'm forgetting what it was like to be on psychiatric drugs.
I don't regret coming off the medication. But it hasn't been easy. What reassures me is that I've not been any better (or worse) than when I was on the drug, but I don't get all the crappy side effects that come with taking it..
However, the last few months have been pretty bad...a combination of surgery, complications after the surgery, an unsuccessful job hunt and of course, the descent in to the dark winter days hasn't helped either.
My sleep never got quite sorted out after the withdrawal, so 2 years on, I still find myself waking in the wee small hours racked with anxiety, tossing and turning. I have family members the same way so maybe it's just something I've got to live with.
I'm currently focussing on my fitness in the hope it'll combat the depression that's been hanging around, and in a couple of weeks' time, I fly off to Egypt for lots of sun, sea and flumes. Cant wait!
Send lots of positive vibes my way!
Kerry x
Saturday, 25 October 2014
Back to work diaries #008 - Job hunt back on!
So, the job hunt is back on! It's been nearly three months since my surgery and if I don't get back out there soon, I'll go mad!
Physically it'll be a challenge when I start working again...I'll probably be sleeping most of the time when I get home at night, but that's only temporary! Back to the gym methinks!
I've seen several things that catch my fancy..still admin type things, but in more unusual settings...more interesting that your usual admin role..
My main worry is the interview...not my strongest point, and if you have as many gaps in your CV as I do, it can get a bit awkward..
The last interview I had, they mentioned the gaps (which I thought was rather cheeky actually!) and I stumbled and fudged my way through my answers. I tried to explain the gaps in the best light I could, (for example, things like makeup model, starring in a film, and working in a care home are not that relevant to a admin role), but I still felt I was hiding my past.
The thing is, I now see my past as an advantage, but I can't exactly say to a prospective employer, "Oh yeah, 10 years off work with severe depression and anorexia/bulimia, but I'm okay now!"
How much is it safe to reveal, if anything, and what do you say when the awkward questions come?
Then there's the concentration issue...the blank mind and zoning out in the interview! It doesn't look good if you're seen, eyes glazing over and looking drugged... I have a herbal concoction that I sniff, and coupled with a strong cup of tea which sometimes help, but it's a hit or miss kind of thing..
I'm getting support with the interview side of things, and I hope as time goes on, I'll get better at thinking on my feet.
I know I can do a job, and do it well. It's just getting over that first hurdle.
Physically it'll be a challenge when I start working again...I'll probably be sleeping most of the time when I get home at night, but that's only temporary! Back to the gym methinks!
I've seen several things that catch my fancy..still admin type things, but in more unusual settings...more interesting that your usual admin role..
My main worry is the interview...not my strongest point, and if you have as many gaps in your CV as I do, it can get a bit awkward..
The last interview I had, they mentioned the gaps (which I thought was rather cheeky actually!) and I stumbled and fudged my way through my answers. I tried to explain the gaps in the best light I could, (for example, things like makeup model, starring in a film, and working in a care home are not that relevant to a admin role), but I still felt I was hiding my past.
The thing is, I now see my past as an advantage, but I can't exactly say to a prospective employer, "Oh yeah, 10 years off work with severe depression and anorexia/bulimia, but I'm okay now!"
How much is it safe to reveal, if anything, and what do you say when the awkward questions come?
Then there's the concentration issue...the blank mind and zoning out in the interview! It doesn't look good if you're seen, eyes glazing over and looking drugged... I have a herbal concoction that I sniff, and coupled with a strong cup of tea which sometimes help, but it's a hit or miss kind of thing..
I'm getting support with the interview side of things, and I hope as time goes on, I'll get better at thinking on my feet.
I know I can do a job, and do it well. It's just getting over that first hurdle.
Saturday, 4 October 2014
It's okay not to go back.
Have you ever had a food that you loved as a kid but you ate so much of it that you can't bear to eat it ever again?
That's me. Although it's not food I'm talking about, it's music.
I've always been very musical. As a wee girl at the age of 5, I'd be composing my own tunes and picking up songs off the radio and recreating them on my keyboard. Nobody taught me how to do it...it just happened naturally. Any instrument I came in to contact with, it seemed to come together under my fingers. It just felt...right.
It's not surprising that years later I went on to study classical music at university and spent most of my free time attending concerts and going to choir/band/orchestra/conducting practise.. It was my whole life and I loved it! It wasn't an easy life though. I had constant back troubles from playing my instrument for hours every day, I never seemed to have enough time in the day to fit all my practise in and I found the pressure of frequent concerts, performance classes and exams a bit too much sometimes.
As time went on, I began to question if I was on the right path and felt I had hit a dead end. Somehow I seemed to have run out of talent..it's the only way I can describe it. I lost form rapidly and by the end of my final year everything collapsed.
The pursuit of perfection was impossible and eventually I burnt out. I felt sickened, embarrassed and somehow that I had failed. Recovering in hospital afterwards I couldn't bear to listen to classical music. It reminded me of everything I had lost. I didn't want anything more to do with music.
What led up to the breakdown was never investigated, although a doctor rather stupidly told me it was music that had caused all my problems... I believe it was far more complicated than that - many things contributed, a lot of which I wasn't able to comprehend until much later.
That was nearly 15 years ago, and I still find the whole 'music thing' incredibly painful.
I picked up a church anthem book the other day, and it felt like I had come home. This was the real me...I revelled in the melodies and harmonies and the memories I had in singing them, but then I shut the book as I was starting to get uneasy...even just writing about it makes my throat burn and my eyes sting..
Is it possible to go back after burnout? I've tried once or twice in the past and I could feel myself going down the old perfectionist route again.
Is it possible I could retrain my thought patterns to not have all the old negative associations? I probably could, but it would take years and years of hard work.
It's not just all the painful stuff going on from the past, but music isn't to me what it once was.. It's just not fun any more and I get very little pleasure from it.
I've been tortured by feelings for a long time that I ought to go back because it's a shame to waste my gift, but do I really want to go back? Hum...well, if I'm totally honest, No. (Remember that food you once loved as a kid but are repulsed by it now?)
I very rarely tell people about my musical past. In days gone by when I mentioned it, I was usually asked to give a demo... Come on! Play us a wee tune or Sing us a song. After telling them I hadn't played in a long time and very rusty and probably not very good either, I got all the crap about being too modest etc etc... (There are only so many ways you can graciously refuse before you snap and say something rude!) In the beginning I did occasionally oblige them, and then came the inevitable "Oh....I see, yes, you are out of practise" (Well I did tell you I was didn't I?!)
These days it's much easier not to say anything at all.
I do feel rather sad about the whole music thing though...it seems a shame to let that ability go to waste. All the stuff I'm doing now? Somehow it doesn't feel quite right.
Have you ever heard someone 'coming out' for the first time and describing how they've found a part of themselves that seemed to be missing?
In a way, I feel the same.. There's this whole side of me, the musical side, that I have been suppressing all these years..
But maybe its okay not to go back. I read something on the topic a few days ago, and a sentence at the end jumped out at me which said that it was okay to give myself permission to quit. It helped put the "should I, shouldn't I" debate to rest.
It's okay to just shut that book and move on. There are some parts of music I feel fine with, like composing, analysing and making up rude lyrics to well-known songs, and I'll still dabble with those from time to time, but I can't deny music was a huge part of my life.
Giving myself Permission to Quit music makes me feel at ease with the past. I used to call myself a 'Failed Musician', but many people have left music and never gone back. I may go back one day, or I may not, but I will stop beating myself up about it.
I'm an 'All or Nothing' type of person and often have 'little burnouts' where I jump enthusiastically into a project and end up dropping it a few weeks later having exhausted that enthusiasm.
One of the biggest lessons I'm learning is to care a little less about what I'm doing and not taking the whole thing so seriously.
That's me. Although it's not food I'm talking about, it's music.
I've always been very musical. As a wee girl at the age of 5, I'd be composing my own tunes and picking up songs off the radio and recreating them on my keyboard. Nobody taught me how to do it...it just happened naturally. Any instrument I came in to contact with, it seemed to come together under my fingers. It just felt...right.
It's not surprising that years later I went on to study classical music at university and spent most of my free time attending concerts and going to choir/band/orchestra/conducting practise.. It was my whole life and I loved it! It wasn't an easy life though. I had constant back troubles from playing my instrument for hours every day, I never seemed to have enough time in the day to fit all my practise in and I found the pressure of frequent concerts, performance classes and exams a bit too much sometimes.
As time went on, I began to question if I was on the right path and felt I had hit a dead end. Somehow I seemed to have run out of talent..it's the only way I can describe it. I lost form rapidly and by the end of my final year everything collapsed.
The pursuit of perfection was impossible and eventually I burnt out. I felt sickened, embarrassed and somehow that I had failed. Recovering in hospital afterwards I couldn't bear to listen to classical music. It reminded me of everything I had lost. I didn't want anything more to do with music.
What led up to the breakdown was never investigated, although a doctor rather stupidly told me it was music that had caused all my problems... I believe it was far more complicated than that - many things contributed, a lot of which I wasn't able to comprehend until much later.
That was nearly 15 years ago, and I still find the whole 'music thing' incredibly painful.
I picked up a church anthem book the other day, and it felt like I had come home. This was the real me...I revelled in the melodies and harmonies and the memories I had in singing them, but then I shut the book as I was starting to get uneasy...even just writing about it makes my throat burn and my eyes sting..
Is it possible to go back after burnout? I've tried once or twice in the past and I could feel myself going down the old perfectionist route again.
Is it possible I could retrain my thought patterns to not have all the old negative associations? I probably could, but it would take years and years of hard work.
It's not just all the painful stuff going on from the past, but music isn't to me what it once was.. It's just not fun any more and I get very little pleasure from it.
I've been tortured by feelings for a long time that I ought to go back because it's a shame to waste my gift, but do I really want to go back? Hum...well, if I'm totally honest, No. (Remember that food you once loved as a kid but are repulsed by it now?)
I very rarely tell people about my musical past. In days gone by when I mentioned it, I was usually asked to give a demo... Come on! Play us a wee tune or Sing us a song. After telling them I hadn't played in a long time and very rusty and probably not very good either, I got all the crap about being too modest etc etc... (There are only so many ways you can graciously refuse before you snap and say something rude!) In the beginning I did occasionally oblige them, and then came the inevitable "Oh....I see, yes, you are out of practise" (Well I did tell you I was didn't I?!)
These days it's much easier not to say anything at all.
I do feel rather sad about the whole music thing though...it seems a shame to let that ability go to waste. All the stuff I'm doing now? Somehow it doesn't feel quite right.
Have you ever heard someone 'coming out' for the first time and describing how they've found a part of themselves that seemed to be missing?
In a way, I feel the same.. There's this whole side of me, the musical side, that I have been suppressing all these years..
But maybe its okay not to go back. I read something on the topic a few days ago, and a sentence at the end jumped out at me which said that it was okay to give myself permission to quit. It helped put the "should I, shouldn't I" debate to rest.
It's okay to just shut that book and move on. There are some parts of music I feel fine with, like composing, analysing and making up rude lyrics to well-known songs, and I'll still dabble with those from time to time, but I can't deny music was a huge part of my life.
Giving myself Permission to Quit music makes me feel at ease with the past. I used to call myself a 'Failed Musician', but many people have left music and never gone back. I may go back one day, or I may not, but I will stop beating myself up about it.
I'm an 'All or Nothing' type of person and often have 'little burnouts' where I jump enthusiastically into a project and end up dropping it a few weeks later having exhausted that enthusiasm.
One of the biggest lessons I'm learning is to care a little less about what I'm doing and not taking the whole thing so seriously.
Saturday, 6 September 2014
A little step back..
Hi there,
Just to let you know I will be taking a little step back from blogging, and instead of posting every week, I'll be hoping to post every second week or so.
Sometimes this chatty girl just runs out of things to say - never thought I'd hear myself saying that! Scandalous for a Scottish lass!!
Hope to see you soon!
Just to let you know I will be taking a little step back from blogging, and instead of posting every week, I'll be hoping to post every second week or so.
Sometimes this chatty girl just runs out of things to say - never thought I'd hear myself saying that! Scandalous for a Scottish lass!!
Hope to see you soon!
Saturday, 30 August 2014
The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #11
Since my mirtazapine withdrawal I've noticed something really strange.
Just before I get a depressive episode, my sense of smell goes very acute. At first I thought it was me or my house smelling a bit fusty, but after asking some (very close) friends to give me a sniff, they said I smelled fine, and it was then I realised my sense of smell was heightened.
Then the next day, or the day after that I will end up in bed for several days with a bad depression.
It happens too often to be a coincidence. Sometimes it's so overpowering it drives me crazy and I end up spending a fortune on perfume and room fragrances!
I'm kind of curious as to what's causing it..
Has anyone else found this or heard of this before?
Kerry.
Saturday, 23 August 2014
Back to work diaries #007 - Job hunt suspended.
This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..
These last few weeks have been a bit frustrating on the job front.
My temporary job ended 3 weeks ago..I was quite sad about that as I'd become very fond of everyone, but maybe it was just as well - I was taken in to hospital the next day and had emergency surgery the day after. The day after that, I received three phone calls offering me job interviews. Talk about bad timing!
So the job hunt is off for the moment. Things are slowly getting better but I'll be out of action much longer than I'd originally hoped.
My plan is a few more weeks recovery from the surgery, then gradually building up my strength and fitness and then back in the game!
(Control-freak Kerry must remember she can't plan things such as recovery and her body will take it's own time and not a specific time-frame dictated by her!)
I'm a terrible patient and already I've been guilty of overdoing it. Maybe I should just enjoy the privilege of having this time off - when I'm working I'll be wishing I'd taken more advantage of it.
My main worry is the loss of mental and physical stamina which took me so long to build up, but I guess they can be built up again over time.
Jobs are always being advertised and the right one will come along at the right time.
This whole episode has been a bit of a kick up the backside as far as fitness and learning to give up control are concerned.
Some very useful lessons in there..frustrating, but useful!
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..
These last few weeks have been a bit frustrating on the job front.
My temporary job ended 3 weeks ago..I was quite sad about that as I'd become very fond of everyone, but maybe it was just as well - I was taken in to hospital the next day and had emergency surgery the day after. The day after that, I received three phone calls offering me job interviews. Talk about bad timing!
So the job hunt is off for the moment. Things are slowly getting better but I'll be out of action much longer than I'd originally hoped.
My plan is a few more weeks recovery from the surgery, then gradually building up my strength and fitness and then back in the game!
(Control-freak Kerry must remember she can't plan things such as recovery and her body will take it's own time and not a specific time-frame dictated by her!)
I'm a terrible patient and already I've been guilty of overdoing it. Maybe I should just enjoy the privilege of having this time off - when I'm working I'll be wishing I'd taken more advantage of it.
My main worry is the loss of mental and physical stamina which took me so long to build up, but I guess they can be built up again over time.
Jobs are always being advertised and the right one will come along at the right time.
This whole episode has been a bit of a kick up the backside as far as fitness and learning to give up control are concerned.
Some very useful lessons in there..frustrating, but useful!
Saturday, 16 August 2014
Institutionalisation and some rambling stuff..
Imagine you are in a situation for months, or even years where you have to ask to take a bath or use a hair dryer, shave your legs or underarms, watched when you take a shower or have a pee or eat.. or ordered to be weighed in your underwear, ask permission to go to the shop or outside..it's days since you've been outside and due to low staffing levels there's a very slim chance you'll get to go out today..
A world where all your basic rights as a person are taken from you, leaving you infantilised and making it very difficult to break free.
Welcome to the psychiatric ward.
Often I had stays in hospital that lasted well over a year and after 20+ admissions I came to see it as my home.. It's quite sad when I think about it now..that girl, dismissed as a diagnosis who was not allowed to make any decisions for herself or have any opinions or say into how or why she was treated.. That girl who saw things in hospital that never should have happened but was powerless to do anything about it, because any complaints were brushed off as delusions or disruptiveness...then dosed up accordingly by yet more medication to make her more compliant..
As time went on, the outside world became a distant place as you became used to the rhythms and routines of the hospital until eventually, the prospect of life outside was unimaginable and terrifying.
You would think I was describing an institution from decades ago, but sadly no..
If you're new to the system, it can be very frightening to see someone attempt to do a runner off the ward, triggering alarm bells and then carted back in a brutal fashion if they are caught, or if they are not caught, brought back to the ward in handcuffs escorted courtesy of Police Scotland. Sometimes though, they never come back and you hear much later on that they are no more..
Sadly these scenes become normal quite quickly..but seeing someone go berserk..being restrained by 4 or 5 members of staff and injected on the spot is traumatising however often it happens and very hard to forget.. Rarely you are given a debrief about what you have just witnessed.
I attempted many a runner in my time and I think even the healthiest and sanest of people would do so if they were cooped up for days on end with no fresh air or exercise, doped up on medication that you knew had a bad effect on you..
What the staff didn't seem to understand was that they got to go home after their shift and chill out with their friends and families or in the great outdoors. We never got to do that. We never got that break we so desperately needed.
Once it all got too much and I was restrained after I turned violent towards a member of staff. I deeply regret it now, but at the time I was like a caged wild animal in Fight or Flight mode...
I was pinned face-down on the floor by 3 or 4 nurses who'd been summoned by alarm bells. Despite the struggle I put up, I couldn't move and it was difficult to breathe.. It was pretty traumatic for everyone involved.
THE LASTING EFFECTS OF INSTITUTIONALISATION.
I am not institutionalised now, but some of the negative effects still echo in me.
- I developed claustrophobia after being restrained all those years ago. If I'm stuck in a crowd I bolt and if I can't, I can end up having a panic attack. Shopping in the city-centre is usually done as soon as the shops are open before it gets busy (or on-line).
- Sometimes I still catch myself saying "Is it okay if I _____?" and getting very odd looks in the process!
- I'm submissive and have a fear of authority. The power doctors have is frightening. They can medicate you, shock you and section you against your will. You have no voice and you get used to all your decisions being made by others.
I always make a point of being open about my mental health..I want to open doors, banish stigma and get people educated that I'm not some axe-murderer waiting to strike..that I'm just like everyone else, with thoughts, ideas, opinions and feelings.. Sometimes it's to my cost and is manipulated by people.
It shouldn't be this way, but a person with mental health issues still tends to be treated like a second class citizen...that's my experience anyway..
CLOSURE.
For many years after my last discharge, I couldn't go near the hospital without retching.
Closure came for me when a friend asked me to get involved in collective advocacy at the hospital. The aim was to give patients a voice, heard by people who knew what they were going through, and also to extinguish the "Them and Us" that exists between staff and patients.
It really helped. I was going to the hospital several days a week that had nothing to do with appointments or treatment. I was there working and helping others through my own experiences and I came to see the hospital in a different light..a workplace rather than the home I once had.
I also participated in meetings with doctors and nurses (some of whom had treated me) which was extremely uncomfortable to begin with, but we were all treated as equals and called each other by first names. We were there to do a job and for the first time, my ideas and opinions were taken seriously and my perspective was seen as extremely valuable. It was very liberating!
Eventually I came to see psychiatrists in a different light too. They are just normal human beings who have a very frustrating job with very limited resources. Of course, there are exceptions I've come across who possess what a friend so beautifully calls, a "God Complex" who are not interested in building bridges or really listening to the patient.
During my time on the ward, advocacy was still in its infancy and the ward staff were very suspicious of it. Fast forward a few years and things are so much better. Patients have more of a voice now and it's very reassuring knowing that someone is on your side helping you with things you may not have had the strength or courage to do alone.
The vision for the future is care in the community. These days it's much harder to get admitted to hospital and stays are shorter. There are pros and cons to this which are probably a whole blog post in themselves which I won't go in to right now!
The hope is to eradicate institutionalisation and lengthy hospital stays and keep people functioning in the community and in their own homes.
In principle it's a good idea, but there's a long way to go and many many issues to iron out before I see it working efficiently.
Saturday, 9 August 2014
The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #10
In my early anorexia days, a doctor told me I didn't have the self-control to be the restricting type.
Of course, me being me, said "F*** you, I'm going to prove you wrong!" and set to it with renewed determination.
Turns out he was right, and after about a month of no food, bulimia kicked in big time.
Given the competitive nature of anorexics, I've always thought this was a pretty stupid thing to say!
Of course, me being me, said "F*** you, I'm going to prove you wrong!" and set to it with renewed determination.
Turns out he was right, and after about a month of no food, bulimia kicked in big time.
Given the competitive nature of anorexics, I've always thought this was a pretty stupid thing to say!
Saturday, 2 August 2014
Back to work diaries #006 - A reflection.
This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..
I wanted to apologise for the last post I wrote - the Back to work diaries #005 - Square peg in a Round Hole?
When I read it back, I thought, My God..this is so negative..I shouldn't have published it..
I make a point of keeping my blog as positive as I can, and given the subject matter it's not always easy, but I think I've done quite a good job!
When I reviewed this diary entry a few days later, I felt I looked like a spoilt brat going in to a strop or something! I was just about to press the delete button when something stopped me.
When I write a blog post, a great deal of time and effort goes in to each post. Sometimes a post can take months and several drafts, or a complete overhaul in some cases. But the Back to work diaries are different from my other posts. They are exactly what they say they are - diaries. These posts are not crafted. I write them down just as they come into my head. They chart my journey back to employment and all the highs and lows that come with this.
In the end I decided not to scrap my post. Yeah, it's not the most positive entry in the history of blogging, but it's how I was feeling on the day...
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..
I wanted to apologise for the last post I wrote - the Back to work diaries #005 - Square peg in a Round Hole?
When I read it back, I thought, My God..this is so negative..I shouldn't have published it..
I make a point of keeping my blog as positive as I can, and given the subject matter it's not always easy, but I think I've done quite a good job!
When I reviewed this diary entry a few days later, I felt I looked like a spoilt brat going in to a strop or something! I was just about to press the delete button when something stopped me.
When I write a blog post, a great deal of time and effort goes in to each post. Sometimes a post can take months and several drafts, or a complete overhaul in some cases. But the Back to work diaries are different from my other posts. They are exactly what they say they are - diaries. These posts are not crafted. I write them down just as they come into my head. They chart my journey back to employment and all the highs and lows that come with this.
In the end I decided not to scrap my post. Yeah, it's not the most positive entry in the history of blogging, but it's how I was feeling on the day...
Monday, 28 July 2014
10,000 page views!
A huge THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. Today I hit 10,000 page views in over 85 countries!
Thanks again - it's you guys who spur me on to write more!
Kerry x
P.S Contrary to what those around me might say, the 5000+ hits from the UK are NOT by me! (Well..some of them might be..)
Thanks again - it's you guys who spur me on to write more!
Kerry x
P.S Contrary to what those around me might say, the 5000+ hits from the UK are NOT by me! (Well..some of them might be..)
Saturday, 26 July 2014
Back to work diaries #005 - Square Peg in a Round Hole?
This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..
I hated school. I mean, I really hated it. I felt trapped in a horrible system where I never fitted in and somehow felt very different from all the other students. I resented teachers telling me what to do when I didn't want to do it, or having to sit tests on subjects that I had absolutely no interest in. Once I lost interest that was it for me.
I think possibly a Montessori or Steiner school may have suited me better...
And now I find myself in the same situation in the world of work and I feel very very low and discouraged.
At the moment I'm doing a temp job and while I enjoy the front of house side, the admin side is making me lose the will to live. I've always had trouble with admin. I just find it so boring and tedious and somehow I just can't seem to crank my brain into gear and just do it.
I've tried self-bribery, 'Okay Kerry, if you do 5 more rows on the database, I'll treat you to a nice chai latte.' (Kerry then goes and gets the chai latte without doing the 5 rows..)
I've tried the mindfulness approach..'Hmm..those computer keys feel like scrabble pieces under my fingers..that computer screen is so bright..concentrate..keep calm..keep calm..breathe..that breeze coming in through the window reminds me of being outside..ooh..I really want to be outside right now playing with those cute dogs...'
I've tried the 'Just fucking well get down and bloody do it' approach..
This is probably the least productive method and my brain just tends to zone out...dissociation I guess..
I hate that I'm like this. It makes me feel weak, lazy and if I'm honest, a total failure.
I have great admiration for those who can stay in jobs they hate for years and they still have the will to get up every morning and go to work.
Me? If I find myself in a situation I don't like, I begin to feel trapped, then I shut down and start to become ill.
Like those awful days at school, I feel I just don't fit in..not just the office or another work environment, but somehow I feel I don't fit in in the world....
I don't think I'd ever have the motivation or the guts, but y'know what I really fancy doing? I want to work for myself. I want to choose the hours and the pace that I work. For years I've contemplated writing a book and becoming a mental health/recovery/inspirational speaker. I don't know..it's all a bit scary..I don't know if what I have to say is interesting enough..
But what I do know is that the admin side of things isn't for me. I just don't have the mindset or temperament for it.
Oh, I know there's bits in every job that are shitty and everyone hates, and for me that's answering the telephone. Will my hearing let me down and produce some funny howlers? Will I be able to answer the question properly?... But admin I despise intensely and resist doing, but don't know why.
Maybe there's a few lessons to be learned in there about tolerance and perseverance in the workplace...or if I feel I don't fit in, maybe it's because I actually don't and a 'regular' job wouldn't suit me? I'm a people person and arty and creative. I have a brain and I want to use it!
Maybe there's something very unusual out there for me that only I can do but haven't discovered yet?
I guess it's back to the drawing board for a rethink and coming up with a plan 'B'.. There's lots more out there waiting for me to try!
I one hundred percent identify with this Quote:
"Square peg in a round hole" is an idiomatic expression which describes the unusual individualist who could not fit into a niche of his or her society.
Wallace, Irving (1957) The square pegs: Some Americans who Dared to be Different, p.10.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..
I hated school. I mean, I really hated it. I felt trapped in a horrible system where I never fitted in and somehow felt very different from all the other students. I resented teachers telling me what to do when I didn't want to do it, or having to sit tests on subjects that I had absolutely no interest in. Once I lost interest that was it for me.
I think possibly a Montessori or Steiner school may have suited me better...
And now I find myself in the same situation in the world of work and I feel very very low and discouraged.
At the moment I'm doing a temp job and while I enjoy the front of house side, the admin side is making me lose the will to live. I've always had trouble with admin. I just find it so boring and tedious and somehow I just can't seem to crank my brain into gear and just do it.
I've tried self-bribery, 'Okay Kerry, if you do 5 more rows on the database, I'll treat you to a nice chai latte.' (Kerry then goes and gets the chai latte without doing the 5 rows..)
I've tried the mindfulness approach..'Hmm..those computer keys feel like scrabble pieces under my fingers..that computer screen is so bright..concentrate..keep calm..keep calm..breathe..that breeze coming in through the window reminds me of being outside..ooh..I really want to be outside right now playing with those cute dogs...'
I've tried the 'Just fucking well get down and bloody do it' approach..
This is probably the least productive method and my brain just tends to zone out...dissociation I guess..
I hate that I'm like this. It makes me feel weak, lazy and if I'm honest, a total failure.
I have great admiration for those who can stay in jobs they hate for years and they still have the will to get up every morning and go to work.
Me? If I find myself in a situation I don't like, I begin to feel trapped, then I shut down and start to become ill.
Like those awful days at school, I feel I just don't fit in..not just the office or another work environment, but somehow I feel I don't fit in in the world....
I don't think I'd ever have the motivation or the guts, but y'know what I really fancy doing? I want to work for myself. I want to choose the hours and the pace that I work. For years I've contemplated writing a book and becoming a mental health/recovery/inspirational speaker. I don't know..it's all a bit scary..I don't know if what I have to say is interesting enough..
But what I do know is that the admin side of things isn't for me. I just don't have the mindset or temperament for it.
Oh, I know there's bits in every job that are shitty and everyone hates, and for me that's answering the telephone. Will my hearing let me down and produce some funny howlers? Will I be able to answer the question properly?... But admin I despise intensely and resist doing, but don't know why.
Maybe there's a few lessons to be learned in there about tolerance and perseverance in the workplace...or if I feel I don't fit in, maybe it's because I actually don't and a 'regular' job wouldn't suit me? I'm a people person and arty and creative. I have a brain and I want to use it!
Maybe there's something very unusual out there for me that only I can do but haven't discovered yet?
I guess it's back to the drawing board for a rethink and coming up with a plan 'B'.. There's lots more out there waiting for me to try!
I one hundred percent identify with this Quote:
"Square peg in a round hole" is an idiomatic expression which describes the unusual individualist who could not fit into a niche of his or her society.
Wallace, Irving (1957) The square pegs: Some Americans who Dared to be Different, p.10.
Saturday, 19 July 2014
Back to work diaries #004 - A huge lesson..
This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..
Yesterday I learned a very important lesson - Never take a huge gulp of tea whilst working on reception.
It was a quiet afternoon at the desk..painfully quiet..no callers or inflow of people to be signed in, so I thought Aha! - a nice cup of Earl Grey will go down just fine!
I got my tea, quite chuffed that I'd managed to bag my favourite mug from the office collection and sat down to resume my work.
I took a huge swig of tea. Of course, the phone decided to ring at that precise moment having been silent for the past 3 hours.. I nearly spat out my tea in shock, then started choking (the phone is still ringing by the way) and just managed to press the 'ignore' button before I sorted myself out.
I spent the rest of the afternoon pissing myself laughing every time I thought about it, and very glad nobody had witnessed my rather embarrassing incident..
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..
Yesterday I learned a very important lesson - Never take a huge gulp of tea whilst working on reception.
It was a quiet afternoon at the desk..painfully quiet..no callers or inflow of people to be signed in, so I thought Aha! - a nice cup of Earl Grey will go down just fine!
I got my tea, quite chuffed that I'd managed to bag my favourite mug from the office collection and sat down to resume my work.
I took a huge swig of tea. Of course, the phone decided to ring at that precise moment having been silent for the past 3 hours.. I nearly spat out my tea in shock, then started choking (the phone is still ringing by the way) and just managed to press the 'ignore' button before I sorted myself out.
I spent the rest of the afternoon pissing myself laughing every time I thought about it, and very glad nobody had witnessed my rather embarrassing incident..
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