The work/life balance?..I just don't get it!

The work/life balance is something I have great difficulty in getting right.

I've never had to juggle it before - I've never really worked and in the space of a few years I've gone from literally just seeing my doctor fortnightly - zilch, to working and volunteering around 25 hours a week.

It's quite nice having something to get up for but it backfires sometimes. I'm a people-pleaser and find it very hard to say "No". Frequently at the expense of my health. I get intensely busy for 2-3 weeks, then I end up crashing in bed for a few days with exhaustion and burnout, each time cursing myself for my inability to put myself first for a change.

Putting 'me' first is not a thing I find easy. I'd rather everyone else was happy, content and thinking well of me. I never stop to think that I have little quality of life, or that it's damaging my health, and it's only as these burnouts are becoming more regular and the depressions accompanying them more severe, I'm realising I've got to do something about the whole situation.

But it's not easy to keep everybody happy (myself included) or to get the right balance.

Not having any structure can be equally as bad. When I find myself with a much needed free day, again I find myself in bed because I'm so bloody bored and don't want to do anything. I don't see the point of being awake which leads to another depressive spiral doubled up with a nasty agitation.

So what's the answer?

I take more care now in planning my week and scheduling my appointments. I used to be buzzing about all over town to several meetings in one day, but now I put them on different days which leaves me with more energy.

I'm still a bit lazy about the exercise side of things, but as it really helps with the depression, stress, the agitations, my immune in general and will finally get my therapist off my back to do more, I intend to make a real effort to put gym time in my schedule!

I now take 2 days off every week. It's something I've found hard and which I'm still getting used to.
When you work, you usually have set days off and holidays, but volunteering can be a bit different and the line is more blurred. I used to find myself going for months and months without a proper break and often I got worn down by it all. Sometimes, the more you do, the more people expect.

Of course, it's going to take a while before I get the balance right. Things don't always work and it will take a little tinkering before I get a lifestyle I'm completely happy with.

I'm still experimenting, but the days I don't have structure I've learned that going back to bed is NOT AN OPTION! I oversleep by hours and then wake up with that crappy, fuzzy, sore head feeling that can last well in to the next day. If I really need a nap, I set my alarm for 15 minutes, have my quick snooze and get up and continue with my day refreshed.

It's OK to have a free day, but a planned free day to do the stuff I want to do and not just sitting around for hours thinking about the darker things in life or doing nothing! Not good for my brain! Don't get me wrong..sometimes I do sit around contemplating the darker stuff, but I have given myself permission to do it, and only for a set time. This way I don't feel so guilty about wasting my time. On free days I do not think about work.

It took a long time for me to learn to say "No", and as time passes it's become easier.

I told someone recently I was reducing my hours slightly to make more time for myself and I was quelled by a raised eyebrow and the look of disapproval - as if I had done something wrong! They had gotten used to my obliging ways, and it was taken for granted if anything needed done, Kip would do it.

The irony is, since saying "No", I seem to have earned myself a little more respect from others, and the self-respect I have gained from the knowledge that I am taking time for me and looking after myself has increased substantially.

Kerry.

Imposter Syndrome..

I've just started a new job. My first job in 13 years actually. Not only did I think I'd never ever get a job with my past, or be vaguely capable of it but now my mental health experience is being used to help others who are now going through the same thing!

  

I've never really had a job before. Well..that's not strictly true...I wouldn't count the 6-week supermarket job (which I apparently loved, but have no recollection of) or a boring summer stint as a changing room assistant when I was 16. But at the age of 34, I find myself feeling totally unprepared for life in the workplace. 

My university degree was music..and let's face it, it's one of those degrees that you can't actually do very much with outside of the music world, plus I don't really remember that much of it anyway.

Looking around me when I was younger, a job was a thing that grown-ups did which they hated, left them exhausted, paid them very little money, and left them no time for their families, so why on earth would I want to get one? I have no idea where this mind-frame came from because I knew people who did love their jobs, and were very happy, but they were a minority. 

Naturally as time went on, a job was built up in my mind as one of those unattainable things - like sex before you have it. 
I went straight from school, then uni, then in to "the system" and as years and years went by the thought of getting one of those things seemed a million miles away and virtually impossible.

But I got one. And I got it sort of by accident and very unexpectedly..but that's another story!

The thing is (if I'm completely honest)..I feel a total fraud. I haven't got a scooby as to what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm naturally quite shy, and find the public aspect of the job very challenging at times - They must have made this huge mistake in hiring me, and will very soon be asking me to leave!

I confessed all to a colleague and was stunned to find she felt the same way despite being there years, and from asking round various friends and acquaintances it seems I'm not alone. 

There have been several times where I've taken fright and thought of giving it all up, but after years on benefits dreading very nosy taxi drivers, it's kind of nice to be able to say "I do this..I work for this organisation"..It really makes all the fear worthwhile...plus the feeling of self-respect and of finally having a place in the world..it's indescribable!

I'll stick with it and give it my best shot. I can't do any more than that. I'm guessing a lot of it is fear of the unknown, and a misconception from childhood that stuck with me. All I need to do is build up the confidence to take my first shaky toddler steps on to the ladder..but I'm sure I'll get there in the end - one step at a time.

Oh!..If anyone's interested - those nosy taxi drivers? I used to tell them that I was a pole-dancer which shut them up pretty quickly!

Kerry.

The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #003

Once I woke up from ECT feeling absolutely fine and wondering why it wasn't like this all the time! It turned out the ECT machine had broken down. I've always joked I wore the thing out...

The Devastation of ECT.

If you mention ECT - Electroconvulsive Therapy in the psychiatric world, (or indeed to those who are fortunate never to have crossed its path), you are sure to stir up an intense response whether your views are pro, anti or somewhere in between. The images it brings to mind are disturbing and it's very hard to imagine that there is still a place for it in this day and age.

In my day I was no stranger to the ECT department, visiting it well over 150 times. The term "ECT suite" as the department is known always makes me laugh - it sounds like some sort of luxury spa where you go to get pampered! I wish! A spa probably would have had more therapeutic benefit.

You can probably tell from my sarcasm that my own personal experience of it wasn't brilliant. It's something that fills me with extreme terror even now, years after my last treatment. Although I've been told I'm not to receive any more, I'm left with vivid recurring nightmares that it will be forced on me against my will and without an anaesthetic.

If I were to sum up ECT in a few words, they would be "painful, devastating, weird and terrifying". Of course, these are my own words and my own reality, but another person's words might be "life saving, amazing, great and the best thing since sliced bread".

I was once asked if ECT should be banned. It was difficult to answer. You'd probably expect me to answer "Yes" immediately, but somehow I can't.

ECT destroyed my life and I have seen it destroy other lives, but I have also met people who swear by it and where it has very obviously saved their lives with only minimal memory impairment.. 

Most people who are treated with ECT will get maybe 3-4 courses or less in their lifetime. Somehow I managed to notch up 15 courses. Yeah..yeah, I accept the standard line that I was very ill and no medication had the slightest effect on me and they didn't know what else to do, but what I am angry about is that I was never told of the devastating permanent after-effects the treatment would have. I am angry that it took the doctors 15 courses to realise that ECT didn't really help me that much, then "Oops, sorry. We've given you too much, goodbye".. But what takes the biscuit is that no after-care was offered to help cope with my now defunct brain.

When I did pluck up the courage to complain to my care staff, they dismissed it and I eventually gave up.

Time went on and a few years later I found myself in my GP's office in floods of tears and desperate. I had to fight for it, but eventually I was sent for neuropsychological testing. I wanted the results to be normal - the block may have just been in my head. But the results when I got them were devastating. Part of me was relieved - I knew that something wasn't right but it turned out each area of memory and cognitive function was affected. The figures were scary - some of my results were under the 5th percentile..some even under the 1st percentile..

I was offered help to cope, but all this amounted to was advice to set up text alerts on my phone, and to purchase a white-board. Yeah...really helpful..

I strongly feel that if they provided a treatment which trashed my brain then they should provide the testing and rehabilitation afterwards if it is required.

The damage is such that pretty much all of my childhood is gone. School..University? Mostly gone. The odd hazy shadow still exists, but I couldn't tell you if it actually happened or not.  

Day to day life is difficult and exhausting because I no longer have the ability to retain new memories. Everyday things that people take for granted require a huge amount of planning and organization.

I don't feel like a real person because I don't have those memories built up of myself to know who I really am. When I look back through my diaries now, it's like reading about another person. I don't recognise her.

Yes, ECT probably did save my life, but at what cost? There have been many, many times I wish I had died. I feel trapped in a mind which is crippled and what makes it harder to bear is if you saw me going down the street, you would never know. I have no obvious outward signs that anything is wrong..I can carry out a conversation at the bus stop with people I've never met before. I can complain about the British weather as good as the next person..but as you start to probe a bit deeper, you start to notice something is not quite right. You might ask me what I've done this morning..I'd have great difficulty in telling you. You might ask me where I'm going on the bus...oops..What bus am I waiting for?..Why am I at the bus stop in the first place..? Tip of the Iceberg.

They don't tell you all this in the literature.

The battle is ongoing to get a formal diagnosis to access the specialist services that would help with rehabilitation. Knowing the nature of the whole "establishment" I'm unlikely to get far, but I'm determined not to give up without a fight. 

If I had one wish to achieve something through this..it would be to raise awareness of the devastating mental and emotional consequences that ECT can have. If I had another couple of wishes? More research in to the after-effects of the treatment..not just a couple of months down the line, but years down the line..Oh, and my final wish would be for ECT doctors to 'practice what they preach' and have a shock or two themselves. To go through that first hand? You can't get any better training than that! 

Much more on ECT to come folks!

Kerry.

Why can't I tolerate alcohol anymore?

Today, I have to admit defeat. I'd been up though the night, violently sick, the runs, an awful headache, feeling faint and hot sweats. You'd be wrong in thinking I'd had a few too many drinks with some friends..in fact, it was only two small glasses of wine.

Half-way through glass number one, I started feeling very sick, my face beetroot and very tingly. By the end of the glass the hangover headache had already started. Glass two was plonked in front of me almost immediately and it was a Herculean feat just to get through it.

Not like the old days! I never was a frequent drinker, but on the odd occasion I did drink I tended to go a bit crazy. I could guzzle fairly large amounts of alcohol without it having much effect while my friends were wilting by my side. It was a bit of a standing joke and I was frequently asked if I was a closet alcoholic as my tolerance was quite impressive!

Over the last year, I've noticed that I just can't seem to drink as much as I did before. White wine started giving me trouble and it's got to the stage I can't drink any alcohol now without it having an adverse effect. 

I woke up this morning feeling like death warmed up, and more than a little pathetic. Absolutely blootered on two glasses of wine??!  What's happening to me? I feel like a total freak! 

Feeling very sorry for myself, I managed to punch my question in to the computer -"Why can't I tolerate alcohol anymore?" and I was amazed at what came up - dozens and dozens of people in my situation who had just suddenly developed an intolerance to alcohol!

I feel a bit better knowing its not just me..but the prospect of not having a drink..EVER? It's a bit depressing.

If you say to someone you can't/don't drink, they automatically assume you're a recovering alcoholic or prude or something, but it doesn't stop them from being quite insistent in offering you a dram.."Just let your hair down and have some fun..go on..you deserve it...What do you mean it makes you ill?..You're joking right?" (Unfortunately not).."That lass just canny handle the drink..", I can hear it all now!

After the hell I experienced today, an alcohol-free life is becoming an increasing reality. I don't really have a choice in the matter. Booze has always made me feel a bit depressed and sluggish anyway, but today has been a huge wake up call.

It's not going to be easy. I don't want this but it's just the way it's going to have to be. I'll miss that tipsy feeling I get after a glass or two of wine, and the feeling of being a wee bit rebellious, but it's just not worth it..

Of course, temptation will rear her ugly head from time to time and a bad memory which will fade this experience very quickly from my mind won't help either. I'll have to be firm and stay strong. I guess I could have some fun and come up with some hilarious and dodgy responses as to why I'm not drinking! 

(Suggestions welcome!)

Wish me luck folks!

Kerry.