Regrets and Bucket Lists

If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, would you have any regrets? Looking back over your life, would you have done anything differently?

After a little bit of thought, I've come to the conclusion that on the surface, I don't have that many regrets about the way my life turned out..I am where I am. Sure, I made a lot of crappy decisions when I was younger, but I dealt with them. Certain circumstances as a result of those crappy decisions dictated what I could and couldn't do and I accept that.

As I'm typing in my single finger style..reading the above..I sound totally unnatural! Probing a little deeper into that place I don't often want to go, I realise that there are a few regrets lurking in there that I hadn't really noticed or rather, chose to ignore..

Here goes..

I regret:

- living my life in fear and anxiety

- that I let other people's opinions of me matter so much

- that I didn't travel more

- that I never tried on a wedding dress for the hell of it

- that I was afraid to stand up for myself

- I wasn't adventurous with my cooking

- that I didn't take better care of myself

- that I was frightened to love fully for fear of being hurt

- that I was frightened to love for fear of loss

- that I didn't go dancing more

- that I never conquered my stage fright

- that I did what other people wanted..not what I wanted

- that I never allowed myself to have FUN!

- that I never discovered my passion in life and made it my career

- that I never learned to love myself fully

- that I worked so hard at university but failed to live

WHOA! Mood kill... Okay, so that's pretty depressing! They're not like "I regret not climbing Mount Everest when I had the chance"...or "I regret not booking bungee ballet classes"...(Actually, that sounds pretty cool..)

It's depressing that most of my regrets are based on fear. It's quite sad really..and a bit of a shock.

Well..going by my general health, mood, fitness and road safety awareness, it's highly unlikely that I'll be kicking the bucket any time soon, touch wood (taps forehead)..

There's fun lurking in this old bird yet!

I've come across bucket lists before...if you know you are dying within a certain time you make a list of all the things you want to do before you die, then do them.

I don't know how long I've got, but I've decided to create a bucket list, so that when I eventually do Kick the Bucket, my life will have been that much richer.

My bucket list:

- to go to the Hebrides, Orkney and Shetland

- Go-Cart racing 

- to get a professional portrait photo done

- go to the cinema more

- to visit the pyramids in Egypt

- to visit the Auschwitz concentration camp  

- write a book

- visit Rome

- visit Australia

- bungee ballet

- to build up a healthy strong body 

- white water rafting

- pole dancing

- to swim with dolphins

- to see the Golden Gate Bridge

- to experience the casinos in Las Vegas

- to try on a wedding dress for fun

- to visit Scandinavia (planning this for next year, finances allowing!)

- visit Florida

- and a few personal goals for building up confidence and not letting fear rule my life..

The biggest obstacle to a lot of these is money...but if I want to do it badly enough, it will happen!

Kerry :)

I hate Christmas!

I don't know about you, but I'm not a fan of the festive season at all. It's that time of year again when all I want to do is snuggle up in my bed and hibernate 'till Easter.

Right old Scrooge, me.

The festive period is usually a happy time - a chance to put the diet on the back burner for a while, spend time with loved ones, eating, drinking and being merry, looking forward to a new year and perhaps setting a few intentions for the coming year.

Like many people with mental ill health, I find Christmas and New Year difficult.

For me, it is a time of intense loneliness and pain...dwelling on past mistakes, regrets and broken dreams rather than looking forward to what the future may bring.

It's hard to feel part of the festive cheer if you feel dead inside..too knackered even to crank the corners of your mouth up in to something resembling a smile.

Everyone is expected to be all jolly jolly which makes it worse because inside you are wondering "What is wrong with me?..I should be happy.." which then makes you feel shittier than you already did. 

Then there was the palaver of having to muster the colossal effort of simulating some sort of emotion at "The opening of the Presents", feeling completely numb, my face having been set in stone for the last 6 months...

Christmas day can be a bit of an ordeal sometimes - it's better for me now I don't have the added stress of being anorexic and bulimic any more. But there were some Christmases in the past where I was so ill that I didn't really care if I got gifts or not. All I wanted to do was sleep and get the day over with as quickly as possible.

I think you'll be beginning to get the picture by now!...

I think I'd better stop before I start rambling on about the materialism and commercialism of Christmas and depressing you even further. That's for next year I think!

Baa Humbug.

But spare a thought for those, for whatever reason, who may find Christmas difficult this year.

Kerry x

(Incidentally, one of my best Christmases ever was spent alone in my flat, snuggly PJ's on, eating my favourite grub and watching my favourite movies). Fab!