The Ludicrous side of Mental Health.. #005

When I was anorexic, I used to start worrying in July about how I was going to handle the ordeal of "The Christmas Dinner". (I jokingly referred to it as "The Last Supper"!)

I always found it difficult getting the right balance of eating enough not to offend, but not eating so much that I was thrown into a complete panic.

In a culture where the refusal of food is the ultimate rejection, you can imagine how horrendous the situation was for everyone present.

Thankfully those fearful days are in the past and I can now enjoy the occasion with my loved ones.

It may sound ludicrous to get so wound up over one meal, but to the anorexic, the Christmas Dinner, or any other festal occasion is a time of great fear and anguish.

Kerry.

Mirtazapine withdrawal - 1 year on..

This week made it a year since I came off the psychiatric drug Mirtazapine. I can't believe how quickly the year has flown by - a huge roller-coaster of highs and lows, disasters and triumphs.

Has it been easy?

No. The withdrawal from the drug itself was horrible and took much longer than I ever thought it would - about 9 months, and even now it still takes a lot of fine tuning to balance my mental health week in, week out.

It's been quite a learning curve coming off the drug. I've had to relearn how to live my life without the drug and get to know what my body is telling me - what triggers bad episodes..what makes them better..what to do in a crisis, how to maintain good mental health and so on..

I still get huge crashes and depressions from time to time, but I've had to learn to cope with them medication free. 

Yes, they are very scary when they happen, but I also know that they're the result of something in my life that isn't right. That might be stress, exhaustion, stuff at home, work, eating too much junk food, not enough exercise, too much or too little sleep, not having proper structure to my day or not enough meditation and "Me time".

Despite the difficulties, I've never regretted coming off the drug. Sometimes when the big crashes came I wondered if I had done the right thing - there were two instances where I seriously considered going back on it again. But I'm glad I didn't because like most of my crashes, they passed eventually.

All in all, I'd been on various forms of psychiatric medication since I was 19 and I think it will be some time before I work out how my body and mind function without the drug.

I'm still trying to work out a sleep pattern that a) doesn't leave me mentally exhausted but physically fine, or b) leave me physically exhausted but mentally alert.

Diet is another source of constant experimentation. If I succumb to an illicit bar of chocolate, I know I will pay for it a few days later with my crashing mood and lethargy which can take weeks to recover from. Likewise caffeine, bread, alcohol and anything with sugar.

I hope to have many more years medication-free, and I don't see how that shouldn't be a reality if I take extra care. 

The hardest thing for me is finding the strength to overcome my "One won't hurt" frame of mind, because I know fine well that it only takes one!

Kerry.

Other posts of interest: Mirtazapine Withdrawal, Mirtazapine Withdrawal - 6 months on, Mirtazapine Withdrawal - 9 months on.

For me...

Stress is when I worry about everything. Depression is when I worry about nothing..

It took me years to realise this.

Information Overload

Information Overload (IO) is something I'm affected by much more than the average person.

I wish I had a brain like a room out of an Ikea catalogue - uncluttered. Everything neat in its place. Peace and quiet to just simply breath. But no! My brain is chaotic, crowded and very very messy (rather like my bedroom).. There is no room for any more stuff and I really need to have a clear out. 

Y'see.. I tend to have a lot of trouble absorbing information. Written information especially. And in this age of endless emails, social media, blogs, apps, and up to the minute information about what is going on in the world, I frequently find myself with that tell-tale headache, brain-freeze, lethargy, insanity and frustration which makes me want to have a good metaphorical sweep out with a broom.  

Sometimes I'm very envious of my partner, a brain-box who thrives on knowledge and eagerly hoovers up information far more effectively than any Dyson. He says he finds it relaxing - I look on in disbelief and wonder, quietly slipping in to a catatonic stupor whilst feeling like a clapped-out old Electrolux letting out more than it takes in.

Thankfully all is not lost.

Over the last year or so I've been doing some experimenting to see how I can make things easier for myself.

I mentioned before that written information is a problem. Now I limit my time on Facebook..I even sign out after each time so it's more of a hassle to get back in again. 

I don't read blogs. I don't really scour the Internet unless it's for something specific (like ancient vacuum cleaner brands). 

I try to limit the amount of times I check my email in a day..not always easy mind you.. 

I rarely pay attention to the news these days, probably as most of it is rather depressing anyway. 

I do read books and if they're rather complicated I like to read them over and over again.

My partner rather ungraciously laughed when I found "The idiot's guide to Windows 8" too difficult to comprehend, while I much preferred a book with step-by-step photo illustrations. Cut all the wordy waffle and get straight to the point I say! 

Visual learner, me.

It's a simpler life, and quite nice in a way. I would love to be able to read more, but since adopting the strategies above, my mind is less cluttered and I'm less overwhelmed. 

Maybe it's like a muscle I need to exercise more and more..but I've not yet heard of any personal mind trainers yet!

Kerry.