10,000 page views!

A huge THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. Today I hit 10,000 page views in over 85 countries!

Thanks again - it's you guys who spur me on to write more!

Kerry x
P.S Contrary to what those around me might say, the 5000+ hits from the UK are NOT by me!  (Well..some of them might be..)

Back to work diaries #005 - Square Peg in a Round Hole?

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

I hated school. I mean, I really hated it. I felt trapped in a horrible system where I never fitted in and somehow felt very different from all the other students. I resented teachers telling me what to do when I didn't want to do it, or having to sit tests on subjects that I had absolutely no interest in. Once I lost interest that was it for me.

I think possibly a Montessori or Steiner school may have suited me better...

And now I find myself in the same situation in the world of work and I feel very very low and discouraged.

At the moment I'm doing a temp job and while I enjoy the front of house side, the admin side is making me lose the will to live. I've always had trouble with admin. I just find it so boring and tedious and somehow I just can't seem to crank my brain into gear and just do it.

I've tried self-bribery, 'Okay Kerry, if you do 5 more rows on the database, I'll treat you to a nice chai latte.' (Kerry then goes and gets the chai latte without doing the 5 rows..)

I've tried the mindfulness approach..'Hmm..those computer keys feel like scrabble pieces under my fingers..that computer screen is so bright..concentrate..keep calm..keep calm..breathe..that breeze coming in through the window reminds me of being outside..ooh..I really want to be outside right now playing with those cute dogs...'

I've tried the 'Just fucking well get down and bloody do it' approach..
This is probably the least productive method and my brain just tends to zone out...dissociation I guess..

I hate that I'm like this. It makes me feel weak, lazy and if I'm honest, a total failure.

I have great admiration for those who can stay in jobs they hate for years and they still have the will to get up every morning and go to work.

Me? If I find myself in a situation I don't like, I begin to feel trapped, then I shut down and start to become ill.

Like those awful days at school, I feel I just don't fit in..not just the office or another work environment, but somehow I feel I don't fit in in the world....

I don't think I'd ever have the motivation or the guts, but y'know what I really fancy doing? I want to work for myself. I want to choose the hours and the pace that I work. For years I've contemplated writing a book and becoming a mental health/recovery/inspirational speaker. I don't know..it's all a bit scary..I don't know if what I have to say is interesting enough..
But what I do know is that the admin side of things isn't for me. I just don't have the mindset or temperament for it. 

Oh, I know there's bits in every job that are shitty and everyone hates, and for me that's answering the telephone. Will my hearing let me down and produce some funny howlers? Will I be able to answer the question properly?... But admin I despise intensely and resist doing, but don't know why.

Maybe there's a few lessons to be learned in there about tolerance and perseverance in the workplace...or if I feel I don't fit in, maybe it's because I actually don't and a 'regular' job wouldn't suit me? I'm a people person and arty and creative. I have a brain and I want to use it!
Maybe there's something very unusual out there for me that only I can do but haven't discovered yet?

I guess it's back to the drawing board for a rethink and coming up with a plan 'B'.. There's lots more out there waiting for me to try!

I one hundred percent identify with this Quote:

"Square peg in a round hole" is an idiomatic expression which describes the unusual individualist who could not fit into a niche of his or her society.
Wallace, Irving (1957) The square pegs: Some Americans who Dared to be Different, p.10.

Back to work diaries #004 - A huge lesson..

This year I made a resolution to get a job and keep it. The "Back to work diaries" will accompany me on that journey.
A scary, but exciting time ahead is waiting for me, where I'll be confronting all those fears, phobias and misconceptions and facing them head on..

Yesterday I learned a very important lesson - Never take a huge gulp of tea whilst working on reception.

It was a quiet afternoon at the desk..painfully quiet..no callers or inflow of people to be signed in, so I thought Aha! - a nice cup of Earl Grey will go down just fine!

I got my tea, quite chuffed that I'd managed to bag my favourite mug from the office collection and sat down to resume my work.

I took a huge swig of tea. Of course, the phone decided to ring at that precise moment having been silent for the past 3 hours.. I nearly spat out my tea in shock, then started choking (the phone is still ringing by the way) and just managed to press the 'ignore' button before I sorted myself out.

I spent the rest of the afternoon pissing myself laughing every time I thought about it, and very glad nobody had witnessed my rather embarrassing incident.. 

BPD - Manipulation and Attention seeking.

Attention-seeking and manipulation 

This is a follow-on from my post An Episode from the Borderline -  Life with BPD.

BPD has a terrible reputation and stigma attached to it with regards to attention-seeking and manipulative behaviours in sufferers. There may be some who are like this, just as some everyday ordinary people are like this, but I've never encountered manipulative behaviour in the BPD sufferers I have met.

These are uncomfortable topics for me. I have been accused of both in the past and it really hurt. It's hard to admit, but to a certain extent the attention-seeking bit was true. It wasn't the "Hey, I'm so brilliant, look at me!" attention-seeking. It was the "Help, I'm in such desperate pain, nobody can help me, I don't know what to do and nothing is working.." 

Very different.

I hated it and I despised myself when I felt myself slipping in to it. 

It left a lasting negative impact on my confidence. 
Any triumphs, achievements, illnesses, successes etc, I now play down for fear of being labeled it again. 

I would disagree on the Manipulation one though. Manipulation requires a degree of cunning and planning and I'm just not capable of that mentally.

It is possible that whatever I was supposed to have done at the time was interpreted this way by someone inexperienced or uninformed or who didn't give a stuff, but unless I ask them, I guess I'll never know..

When I see others display attention-seeking behaviours. Instead of being quick to label, I look beyond their actions and ask myself, "What in their lives are they lacking that they feel the need for more attention?", and "Are they being neglected? Abused? Ridiculed? Criticised or bullied? Are they lonely or starved of love and affection?"

Somebody who has all their basic needs met, does not feel the need to act in this way. 

Maybe the person in question feels they can't ask for what they need - they might see it as a weakness to ask. Whatever has brought them to these behaviours is a desperate cry for help.

A baby cries when it wants something. It's natural and instinctive, but over time it is conditioned to suppress this.

We are social animals and all need attention, kindness, companionship, love, cherishing and nourishment, encouragement and support..

It's okay to want attention! Some people need more than others. I know I can be quite a needy person sometimes, and things can tumble if my basic needs aren't met..but that's just who I am.

The attention-seeking/manipulation reputation runs rampant in psychiatric hospitals....but I believe this is down to uninformed and inexperienced staff.

The BPD diagnosis itself comes with such a stigma..it's automatically assumed that you are going to be a non-compliant, troublesome patient if they see this in your notes.

I hope this will change..and I believe it is starting to.

In the past, I've been involved in talking to psych nursing students to banish some of that stigma and myths...it was a really positive experience, and I hope the next generation of psychiatric nurses will look beyond the diagnosis and see the person for who they are..