It's been far too long since I've written a blog post. I was having a cuppa with a fellow writer friend a few weeks ago and she commented that I've been rather absent and encouraged me to get writing again...
So this one's for you HC - you know who you are!
Things have not been great recently. In fact, it's been bloody awful. A crappy depression has been nipping at my heels this past winter, but into the new year it's gotten much worse.
I admit some of it is my own fault - I've not been taking care of myself as I should. The meditation has slipped and is now non-existent in my life, I've been eating more junk than usual, a wrist injury left me unable to work out and I then got lazy and didn't work out after my wrist recovered. After disastrous interviews for jobs and still no job, I've decided to quit the job hunt altogether until I work out what to do.
I think the unproductive job hunt has been the biggest blow and left me with a shattered confidence and self-esteem. I see the future as a grey haze with nothing to look forward to.
There's been lots of tears and lots of bed days where just getting up and in to the shower and dried and dressed are huge achievements in themselves.
Right now it seems like everything is hopeless and will never get better. Life will be like this forever.
But I have been in this situation countless times before, and I know that things will eventually get better. There will come a time where you don't shut yourself away or dread the day as soon as you wake up.
There is hope that the grey haze of nothing will evaporate in the sunlight and you will find yourself laughing and joking again. You are almost certain you will get the very essence of yourself back and see some sort of future for yourself. You might not know what it is yet, but you will look forward to it.
There will come a day where you will look back on this episode and just accept it for what it was; a rough patch.
When things get to this stage, I refer to a Tool Kit I devised for myself a long time ago to get me though when things seem hopeless.
Depression distorts thoughts, feelings and perceptions so much, it's hard to grasp what's real and what's not.
I hope you find it useful, but I have primarily put it on here as a reminder for myself when things seem bleak.
My Tool Kit.
- Get out of bed! This is usually the last thing I want to do when I'm going through a serious depression. I want to snuggle in my warm cave forever and shut the world out, but believe me, you will feel better having got up and dressed.
- Have a shower and brush your teeth. Often I have to really force myself to do this and I have to persuade myself every step of the way..."Well done Kerry for getting up! Why not try a nice hot shower - you know you will feel better after it.....Great job! How about brushing your teeth now...good girl!" and so on. Sometimes the whole day can be made up of these tiny bite-sized chunks, and even if I don't do anything else that day, I will achieved something rather than nothing.
- Drink at least 2 litres of water a day. Dehydration is one of those surprising contributors to depression that most people forget about. When I have bed days I forget to drink, leaving me feeling very lethargic and drowsy. When I start drinking again, it's not long before I'm feeling much better. I aim to drink 2-2.5 litres a day. Other beverages I drink include mint and camomile teas.
- Cut down or eliminate caffeine, junk food and alcohol. It's been a long time since I discovered these had a bad effect on my mental health. Caffeine makes me agitated and anxious, alcohol renders me sleepless and dehydrated. Junk food just makes me feel sluggish, clogged up and generally "meh".
- Meditate. Going by experience, meditation is the single most effective way to get my mind on track again. So why do I keep falling off the wagon? Simple. It's so easy! I find it hard to comprehend that something so simple can have such a huge positive effect on my life. I mean, come on. At least give me a few Herculean Challenges! Mindfulness meditation promotes living in the present instead of dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Here I find the peace of mind I crave.
- Eat a healthy diet. This ties in with eating less junk, and is pretty much common sense. I supplement my diet with multivitamins if my eating has gone patchy.
- Get regular exercise. Okay, so this could be classed as one of those Herculean Challenges I mentioned earlier. Regular exercise? When I can't even get out of bed? Yeah right! When it's come to this stage, I've found simple things like jumping up and down or jogging on the spot very useful. It only has to be for 5 seconds a couple of times a day and slowly build it up when you feel more able.
- Go for a walk. This is hard, especially if you've not been outside for days or weeks. The first time is the hardest. Even if you just go to the end of your street and back, the fresh air and change of scene can be very effective.
- Affirmations. I look in to a mirror and say "Kerry, I love you". Sometimes I recoil when I say this, and feel I'm telling myself lies. I try to say it with meaning and conviction and as time goes on I find myself feeling more content in my own skin and more accepting of who I am. Other affirmations include 'I accept myself', 'I am healthy and happy', and 'My life is rich and fulfilling'. I say these over and over (and over) again, and slowly they begin to be true. The book "You can heal your life" by Louise Hay goes in to this more. It's a really great book - I highly recommend it.
- Phoning or visiting friends. I am guilty of cutting myself off from my social circle. I often believe I have no friends and nobody wants to hang around with somebody who's really depressed. But when I look at my phone, there's lots of texts from friends I haven't answered which quash the myth I am completely friendless. It's the hardest thing in the world to pick up the phone and call someone for a chat, but I find it reconnects me with the world again, leaving me feeling less alone. My friends know me well enough now to get in touch if they've not heard from me for a while.
- Keeping a Journal. This is a really useful tool. I dump all my thoughts, fears and life woes in my journal and forget about them till the next time. It's also great to look back to a time where things weren't so good and realise you came out the other end. If you've done it before, you can do it again!
- Distraction. I believe distraction is underrated in helping with depression. There's been times where I wanted to shut myself away, but have been dragged out by a friend to the cinema. What good is that going to do? It's not going to solve any problems. Then an hour later I find myself laughing at a good romcom and my spirits lifted dramatically. This leads me to believe that a lot of my black thoughts are of my own doing. It's not easy to recognise the spiralling cycle of negative thoughts, but it becomes easier to try and fix it if you are aware you fall in to this trap. Other distractions can range from reading a book, writing a blog post, listening to music whilst having a boogie round the room, playing with a pet, having a hot bath, watching a favourite movie and doing crafts.
- Be kind to yourself! I tend to be very scathing towards myself when in the midst of a depression. Those around me really hate it when I do this. I'm finding that taking care of myself and nurturing myself are a lot more productive than being harsh. Try to maintain your personal hygiene, maybe even moisturise with your favourite cream! Encourage yourself and remind yourself that things will get better. Set little goals for yourself every day and reward yourself when you achieve them, but don't be too hard on yourself if you don't.
- Smile and stand up straight! It's been proven that the chemicals in your body change if you stand up straight and smile. It instantly makes you feel better! They say that you are unable to frown and smile at the same time (although for some reason I can do both! Frowning is a family trait!) Give it a try and see if you notice a difference. :)
NOTE: If you are feeling suicidal please get in touch with a health professional or counsellor who will be able to offer help and various treatment options.
Alternatively you can contact the Samaritans branch in your area or on 08457 909090 (United Kingdom) or 1 (800) 273-TALK (United States).
All my love,
Kerry x
