A good old moan.

Everybody has crap days. A day when you're knackered, depressed and feeling sorry for yourself. That's me today. So..beware! A very rambling, negative post from me just having a "good old moan."

(And no! I'm not suicidal..although by the time you've finished reading this, you might be feeling that way!)

Today is one of those days where I feel really old. I think my partner must think I'm a bit odd, after all, I'm supposed to be "better" and out of the mental health system now. We've recently moved in together and he has not really seen this side of me. I used to bolt off home when I felt those days coming. It's not normal for someone in their middle thirties to have so little energy, or to have huge physical crashes every week, or to get frequent crying episodes for no reason. Unfortunately this is normal for me. And I hate it. Mind you, I don't feel as bad as I did when I was anorexic..but then there was a reason for all my tiredness.

These days come and go. I usually perk up by the evening and back to my normal self again. But sometimes, these days can turn in to weeks..

There are days when I don't want to get in to the shower in the morning. Normally I love my showers and find them very relaxing, but the days I don't want one..somehow those days are days like today.

I have a weird aversion to water when depressed. I don't know what it is...probably the effort of having to get dried and all that..plus I hate the feel of water on my skin when I'm like this.

There's been a few major life changes recently and those have caused a lot of stress. I'm not great at dealing with stress (or change) and if I don't act on it I virtually become mentally and physically paralysed by all the things that have built up.

Every day is a struggle of some sorts for me. Often..okay Constantly, I'm riddled with anxiety, or self-doubt, or feelings of inferiority, or the physical side of things where you're just too damn tired to do anything useful.

There will be the occasional glimpse in to paradise when there is the day it is so easy to live. Everything goes well. You experience wonder in everything that you see and you feel you can achieve anything you want to. Everything suddenly fits in to place. This in itself is torture. You get a glimpse of heaven and then the door is slammed shut.

Yeah yeah..I don't see mental health doctors anymore, but that means diddly squat. They have no need to see me now that I am not on medication. I know I will never be fully free from my depressions..just to learn to deal with them better..

Often I get tired of fighting. Being alive shouldn't be this hard should it? 

Moan over.

Kerry.