Eating Disorder recovery. (Part One).

I was at an open eating disorders meeting the other night which was really interesting. There were all sorts of folk there - people who were interested and wanted to know more, sufferers from all over the ED spectrum, advocacy workers, health workers, those in recovery and loved ones of sufferers who wanted advice.

Heading home afterwards a young woman in her twenties caught up with me. She was obviously anorexic, and her pain was visible in her eyes. I remember those eyes well..they stared back at me every day in the mirror for years. Misery..hopelessness..fear..despair.

She was quite shy, but after talking about the meeting for a few minutes she quietly asked me the question I'm often asked but dread.."How did you get better?"

I remember asking the exact same question myself to a recovered anorexic years ago, and being baffled by her enigmatic answer. She had made it sound so simple and had this air of belonging to some exclusive club which I didn't have admittance to.

As I was making a hash of trying to explain my recovery to the young woman, I could see the same look of awe and disbelief on her face I had all those years ago. Then came the inevitable, "You make it sound so easy." It wasn't and there were just no words to describe to her just how difficult it was.

We parted a few minutes later and I felt a little uneasy that I couldn't give her the magic answer she was looking for, but as I walked home I started thinking about my own recovery..

It wasn't easy. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, though as the years have gone by it has faded from my mind quite a bit. But I've been thinking about it a lot since that meeting and I hope that I can somehow get it down on paper without it sounding like a total breeze in the park or that I'm in that exclusive club or something..
This post will be mammoth, so I have split it up in to a series of posts to make for easier reading.

Looking back, my ED had 3 distinct phases:

Phase 1 was the new and exciting bit, almost like a new romance, and then there was the added thrill of rebelling against my doctors and pushing my body to extreme limits. It did feel unnatural at first, but I ploughed through that. I had a brief liaison with excessive exercising but I soon gave up because I'm lazy as hell and not even the anorexic voice inside my head was going to get me off my backside!

I think this phase lasted a year or two..certainly 3 or 4 hospital admissions anyway.

Phase 2 was the comfortable period. My ED was established and I felt safe and secure. Despite this, there were huge family arguments that I was ripping them apart. I couldn't see why they were so upset..this was my problem..not theirs. I also isolated myself to avoid those awkward social food events that people take for granted. My Anorexia and Bulimia were my life, and there was no way I was ever going to give them up. They were my comfort and my reason for living.

Phase 3 was the time things started to change. My eating disorders no longer satisfied me and I wanted something more from my life. I wanted to be normal, and the only way that was going to happen was if I gave them up. Despite this, it was not easy to break out of those ingrained habits that had served me so well..

All in all it took me five years to get to the point that I realized I wanted to get better, but it took several years after that, and many, many false starts before I succeeded on the journey.

The following posts in this sequence will try to explain how I finally recovered and what led me to make the decision. Part 2 focuses on arriving at the decision, Part 3 - the recovery process and Part 4 - afterword all of which will be added later.

There's a lot I've probably forgotten or missed out but I hope this gives you an idea of my journey anyway!

If you want to know anything more about my recovery - anything I've missed, or even to share your own story - don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kerry.