What happens after Suicide?

I was quite religious in my youth. Too religious in many ways. Instead of being a source of comfort, hope and peace, it was years of guilt, doubt and pain. Between the ages of ten and twenty I wanted to be a nun, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't be the perfect religious model that I aspired to. Every little thing I did wrong I beat myself up over it. In retrospect I believe this was one of the contributing factors to my breakdown at the age of 21.

I attempted suicide many times when I was ill. And it always caused me a great deal of anguish. This was a bit more serious than whacking my brother when he got cheeky or telling the odd fib to get out of doing my homework.

Obviously I never completed suicide, but I was still haunted by what might have happened had I actually been successful. 

A while ago I bumped in to a chaplain at a hospital, and over lunch I confessed my troubling fear. I wish I hadn't. When I asked what would have happened, he replied that I would have gone straight to hell. Fair enough. This is what he believes.

With a sinking heart I then asked him, "What on earth do you do if you are in such constant emotional pain, lasting months, that nothing will help to relieve, and you can't bear to be alive any more?"

He said that one had to weigh up the options, consider the consequences and just not do it. Hmm (thought I)..It's a lot more complicated than that!

With an increasing sense of guilt and panic I gave up, and had to exert a lot of self-control not to lose my temper with him. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't angry at him for having his beliefs and I admire him for sticking to them. He just handled the situation without sensitivity. He will encounter this dilemma frequently and with people who are on the edge and very vulnerable. I'll let him off the hook though - It's possible that he was not experienced in dealing with this sort of thing and I am well known for overreacting in highly charged situations!

Since deciding to leave religion things are a lot better and I feel more at peace with myself. I try to live my life in a mindful way, and to be kind and loving. I don't believe in organised religion any more, but I do believe that there is a "higher power" out there looking after us.

I don't think about the 'hell' thing these days. I prefer not to. I can't live the rest of my life in fear because of my past decisions. The way I reconcile myself to it now is that I was very ill at the time. The emotional pain was too excruciating to bear and I couldn't take the torment any more. I felt justified in the actions I took at the time. I didn't intend any evil or malice. It was simply an end to a life of torture.

Kerry.