Discovering meditation.

I've always been a bit skeptical about meditation. I just had this vision in my head of hard-core, new-age hippies sitting round in a circle burning incense sticks and in the lotus position.

I wouldn't even know where to go and get incense sticks, let alone manage to get in to the lotus position without doing some serious ankle damage. (I've tried!)

But what do you know? I've actually been converted..well..maybe not the incense stick bit..yet.

My doctor told me to try it months ago, and I came up with every excuse you can think of to get out of doing it. It just wasn't my thing. But I started to get curious after a close friend told me she meditated every day and the difference it made to her life had changed it for the better.

I still wasn't totally convinced though. I just couldn't picture myself chanting "Ommmm" and inwardly thinking "Hell, my ankles hurt.."

It took a very severe depressive episode a few months ago to make me try it. I got pretty desperate and it was a 'do or die' kind of situation, so this time I decided to 'do'.

Before when I've tried meditation/mindfulness CD's I've just never connected with the voice on the programme and always ended up in hysterical laughter because it was so corny and I gave up pretty quickly.

 

But this time I was advised to try "Headspace - Take 10" - a free app in the app store which means I can access it on the go. I connected with the voice of the man straight away and decided to give it at least a couple of weeks to see if anything would happen.

Almost immediately I started to feel some changes.

It was hard to stop my mind wandering at first and I could let it run for ages before I noticed that it had strayed. Now I'm more aware when I have gone off course and can bring it back to focus sooner. The trouble I have most is trying too hard.

So, what are all these wonderful benefits then?

Before I started I was having constant anxiety about everything. A few days in to the meditations I noticed it dampening down. The chatter in my head was also quietening down. But what made it really curious was I couldn't work out if I was slipping in to a very deep depression as I lose all my feelings and thoughts when this happens, or it was the result of the meditation balancing things out. It was hard to tell and I was rather curious to see what was going to happen with this calming down over time.

Fast forward a few months down the line and I feel a completely different person!

The anxiety and internal chatter are still absent. I feel more balanced and stable which has increased my self confidence which in turn makes me less needy and lonely.

A calmer mind gives me more mental energy and it's easier to concentrate.

I'm more productive, less stressed, less impulsive and I actually feel happy.

I have clarity which I never had before, and any issues I need to sort out come straight to the surface rather than me digging around the murky swamp of my mind not knowing if it is the right thing I'm fishing out.

My relationships with others seem to be much easier and I've had comments that I appear more balanced and calmer.

Some sessions speed by and seem very "easy", while others are frustrating and I can't seem to get in to it at all..part of the meditation journey I guess, and it's during those harder sessions where there is more scope to get to know yourself better.

I try to do it first thing in the morning just after I've woken, but if I sleep in or forget, it can be a struggle to find a space in the day where I will be uninterrupted. 

When things are going especially well in my life, I think "I don't need it today.." and this can turn in to several days, very quickly my mind will begin to chatter again, and back comes the anxiety. Then comes my frustration because I knew this was going to happen and why didn't I just keep doing it all along blah blah blah...

I can't believe what a difference this has made to my life and I'm rather looking forward to where this journey will take me.

I've not discovered any down sides to it yet and there is the added bonus of having that time tucked away in the day knowing that I am taking that time out for "Me".

It's the first time in my life where I feel I can become the person I've always wanted to be. Sometimes I can feel a bit 'defective' as a person because of my mental struggles but this is fading and as I become more balanced it bothers me less. 

It's hard to believe that something so simple can make such a difference. I really wish I'd discovered this years ago. (Thanks Mairi for converting me - I owe you!)

And no! I don't need to get in to the Lotus position to do it.

Kerry.