Afterword..
(It's advisable to read parts one, two and three before you get to this one!)
(It's advisable to read parts one, two and three before you get to this one!)
I'm very fortunate that I did recover from my eating disorders. Of course, there is the whole debate about what recovery actually means. A full recovery? Or maintaining symptoms to achieve a decent quality of life?
For me, it was a full recovery..a thing I never thought I'd see. It was done entirely by me..I had been discharged from the eating disorder clinic four years by that time. They tried many things to crack the disorder, but in the end they gave up. If I didn't know what had triggered my illness and what was driving it, how on earth were they supposed to know how to help me?!
There were many reasons I became anorexic in the first place..buying time..a fear of growing up and responsibility, sex, a job, having a partner, becoming a mother and more. Now I have the majority of these and don't know what I was so scared of..I guess back then I just wasn't ready.
I now eat food without a second thought as to how much of what is in it. I used to know the calorific content of each slice in every brand of bread stocked by my local supermarket or every type of (diet) yogurts on the shelves, or tomato or banana or...you get the picture! (I was a walking calorie guide in my day!)
You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you that I have no lasting food/weight issues from my illness years. This is true - up to a point. There are a few things which are nothing to do with weight/calories/body shape or disordered eating which I am left with:
The first few months in to my recovery everything was almost psychedelic. Food tasted amazing and I devoured it quickly.
Now I don't seem to have much of a sense of taste. I don't know if it was the excess of regurgitated acid (or my love of hard-core sour sweets) that caused this deadening of my taste buds but because of this, food is more of a function than a pleasure.
The other thing is I tend to cut food up in to squares all in one go before I eat it (dunno where that comes from!) It's possibly a control thing but I haven't really thought about it. I just know I do it!
I get very annoyed if people comment on my weight. I know I have no problems now and it just takes me back to those illness years where many people were unbelievably rude. Complete strangers came up to me in the street and felt they had the right to comment on my weight when in normal life it would be unthinkable. I'd rather forget about all that now.
I'm still very unfit compared with most of my contemporaries. I lost a lot of muscle and never regained it. Often I'm fatigued and very frustrated by my limitations but I'm making it a priority this year to get really fit. It's not always easy and my lazy side can get the better of me, but I'm fitter now than I've been for years and I'm enjoying that!
It seems a whole other world away now..It's been nearly six years since I recovered and I'm almost double my lowest body weight (and I still feel too thin). Looking back, I now wonder how I managed at all...
I guess I see the whole mental illness/eating disorder journey as a path to self-knowledge and learning to look after myself and listening to my body..facing my fears, overcoming them, and realising that things are not as scary as I think they are.
If you want to ask any questions about recovery, feel free to get in touch. I'll try my best to answer them if I can!
Kerry x
Kerry x
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